What Does It Mean to Be “Enough”?
A lesson in self-love before the onslaught of “New Year, New You”
Now is the time of year when marketers come out of the woodwork to sell you a better version of yourself.
A thinner you.
A smarter you.
A richer you.
The turning of one year into the next is an invitation to pull yourself apart. Find every flaw, unpick every insecurity, and make “resolutions” that next year you’ll be better, you’ll be different.
There’s a quote from Matt Haig (author of Reasons to Stay Alive) that I find myself thinking about a lot lately:
You don’t need upgrading. You aren’t an iPhone. Don’t feel you have to achieve more just to be accepted. Be happy with your own self, minus upgrades. Stop dreaming of imaginary goals and finishing lines. Accept what marketing doesn’t want you to: you are fine. You lack nothing.
On the one hand, this resonates with me deeply. But on the other hand, it taps into one of my deepest fears: that maybe I am lacking. Perhaps I’m not, and never will be, enough.
Optimizable Humanity
A few years ago, I was sat in my therapist’s office, talking about how stressed I felt when I could not meet my 15,000 daily step count on my Fitbit. I felt like a constant failure for not hitting my target. I would walk around and around my apartment trying to get a little closer, spend my entire lunch break at work walking through a local shopping mall trying to hit that arbitrary goal.
My therapist tilted her head, looked at me and said, “What if you just threw the Fitbit out of the window? What if you didn’t need to know how many steps you took in a day? What if — regardless of whether you’ve walked fifteen miles or sat on the couch all day — you are enough?”
What if you are enough?
The question set off a lightbulb in my brain. I was used to depression and anxiety telling me that I needed to push myself harder, that I needed to do better, be better. And while I have loving family and friends, it had been a long time since I had really heard any of them when they tried to tell me I didn’t need to be so tough on myself.
I went home that day and immediately took off the Fitbit and deleted the app from my phone. I started focusing on walking because I enjoyed it, not because I didn’t want to disappoint the app's AI.
I think my brain is probably wired to be drawn to goals and striving, but there’s no doubt in my mind that technology is my worst enemy in seeking to accept that I am enough.
Learning a language. Fitness. Journalling. Reading. Checking your stats on Medium. No matter what you enjoy doing, there’s an app out there to help you “optimize” yourself and track your progress. You get hooked on the streaks, and you get roped into leader boards with strangers. There’s never any winning on these apps. You’ll never be enough.
No matter what you enjoy doing there’s an app out there to help you “optimize” yourself and track your progress.
Just As We Are
In the 2001 movie Bridget Jones’s Diary, Mark Darcy famously tells Bridget: “I like you. Very much. Just as you are.”
While having the affirmation of our loved ones or attractive suitors may be nice, what I’ve come to learn is that there is only one person whose opinion of me really matters—my own.
My life has inherent value, and yours does too.
I need to like myself, very much, and just the way I am. There are days when this task feels impossible. There are some days when it feels as natural as breathing.
This doesn’t mean I don’t have goals, or dreams, or hopes. But it does mean that I’m trying not to tie my self-worth or value as a human being to the accomplishment of any particular goal or outcome.
My life has inherent value, and yours does too. There is nothing you or I can do to earn or lose that worthiness.
Holding onto the truth of that feels like taking in a huge breath of spring time air.
Building a New Relationship With Ourselves
As we count down the days to the new year, maybe you already have a list of resolutions or goals in mind. Maybe you’re excited to get started on new projects. Maybe you LOVE tracking results, and none of this triggers any anxiety for you.
If that’s true for you, great.
But if you’re someone who feels the sting of being “not enough”, I encourage you to join me on shifting your focus away from arbitrary targets that — even if they’re achieved — will never chase that feeling away. My intention for the new year is to put a lot of focus into building a new relationship — with myself. Learning how to talk to myself with kindness. Learning how to trust my own body. Learning how to know what I want.
It might take time. It might be difficult. But I know it will be worth it — and besides, I’ve got a lifetime to get it right.
