What Working as an Emergency Room Nurse Taught me and Why I Decided to Leave
Career Confessions of a New Graduate Nurse
It is 6:51 pm or 1851 and I park on the third floor of the hospital parking garage. I let out a large sigh to remove any residual stress from the previous night, making space for whatever decides to walk into our waiting room.
The Emergency Department is on the first floor and I can always feel the impending weight of the floors staggered on top of us, similar to how Atlas must feel when he holds up the sky.
My badge buzzes me in through the security checkpoint and the doors I once marveled at swing angrily open to long rows of seats filled with people who need and request our care.
I was drawn as a new graduate nurse to this profession because I wanted to be at the hospital’s epicenter, to work beside people from all walks of life, and be a part of something bigger than myself. I also wanted to feel like a nurse, working with my hands and my heart, performing lab draws, and CPR, all while conducting the chaos that surrounded me.
During my first few months of orientation, I was lucky to be paired with a great preceptor who ignited a newfound confidence in me. They were quieter in personality and so it really modeled for me what an introverted ER nurse could bring to this department, apart from the more bold and assertive personalities whose career paths are more distinguishable from the start.
With the help of my trainer, I enjoyed coming to work every single day for those first few months. I loved the feeling of getting a hard stick and correcting something as simple as blood pressure through various medications and titratable drips. I learned that ER nurses must learn to anticipate changes in their patient’s status and, in response, what sort of labs we need to collect or protocols we need to follow.
Most importantly, ER nurses live in the grey, the unknown.
Fast forward 6 months and my perspective has flipped entirely. As I am writing this I have 4 more shifts in the department before I begin a new position that has nothing to do with bedside nursing or patient care whatsoever.
“How did I get here? ” I wonder.
Deciding to leave the ER once you’ve worked there is very difficult because you create bonds unlike any other with those you work alongside. You feel as though the weight of your work adds meaning to what you do and who you are as a person.
I believe my decision to leave was not after one bad shift, maybe it was multifactorial.
I remember rolling my eyes in nursing school when the bulk of our tests was over buzzword concepts like “nursing burnout,” “compassion fatigue,” “caregiver role strain,” “understaffed and overworked system.” Like, yes, I knew these things were real and affecting nurses but never did I think it could happen to me, let alone, in less than a year.
Throughout the nursing program, I worked as a Nursing Assistant for three years. Looking back at those times I never did feel a passion for bedside, but more so a duty. I worked as an assistant during that time to the best of my abilities, holding out to when I would finally become a nurse.
And here I am at what feels like the end of the road. The last page of a book.
I think I became uncomfortable living in the grey area. Fear settled in. I began dreading codes, de-escalating psychiatric patients who were unfortunately off their medications, and getting served whatever EMS decided to drop off into my room, whether it be someone who was having severe chest pain or suffering from substance withdrawal.
There were moments where I felt that I had a suit of armor on and I could bulldoze my way into any room feeling that I could provide reassurance for my patients, that I could take away their pain. I enjoyed the strong teamwork and comradery that comes with working in an ER and most days that became my motivation for work, helping out my coworkers.
However, my capacity for socializing at baseline is so limited. Strangely, talking with my patients one on one never drained my cup. But the pressures of making friends in the ER for me felt like cartwheeling across a tightrope. I have a seriousness about work that I can’t seem to get rid of. And I felt too tired to socialize and put out some persona of likeableness.
Something very important I discerned throughout all of this was that I do not have an appetite for constant adrenaline. Maybe I did at the start but it has left me. And that is not good. Because to work in the ER I can not be the sort of person who unwillingly avoids type 1 trauma or an unresponsive patient.
This last week I have been grappling with doubt that I made the wrong decision to transfer to a nursing research position. Maybe I should have stuck this out, is it something I’m supposed to work through? Am I giving up?
Most people in the department would tell me this is a normal feeling for new graduate nurses. So does that mean I’m supposed to resist working almost every single shift?
I think about all the reasons to stay. Leadership support is great and there are so many opportunities for growth in this department. But does that counter the exhaustion and perpetual anxiety I feel walking into work every day? I can’t say that I want this and I feel bad for not wanting it.
My ideal self is confident, outspoken, creative, and in tune with my surroundings. But working in this fast-paced environment has caused these intense energy swings and mood shifts. I have lost my balance.
I look back to all the previous jobs I’ve held, fast-paced customer service roles. I’ve never once given jobs that are slow, thoughtful, and organized a chance. I have run from this idea of sensitivity, from my own introversion. I am now open to accepting this may be the path of least resistance for me.
I don’t have to be a superhero.
Silly thought, but I’m beginning to think that I’m not interested in saving our bodies. Maybe I’m more interested in saving our minds.
And at the end of the day, a reminder for myself, we aren’t necessarily bound to anything that goes on outside of ourselves. We are not just our profession, the places we inhabit, or how we choose to organize our office space. These things may speak on our behalf but we are not bound to any of them.
We are allowed to move, be flexible, and see all the different ways we can shine. But also I think by taking these risks in our careers we might get closer to the truth of who we are by realizing what we are not.
