Where Are Human Relationships Going?
some thoughts on friendships among adults
Looking out my bedroom window, I can see my grandmother hanging out with her ‘colleagues’ — that’s how she refers to them herself.
As she said, perhaps referring to their ages or the common life perspectives in the village, they have no friends. So, they are colleagues, neighbors, cousins, and family. Never friends.
Friendship is a concept that involves some degree of intimacy and trust. And we are faster to link it to childhood and teenage relationships than to adulthood ones.
Even if you hold a friendship since childhood, daily life, marriage, and kids, get in the way, the relationships change, and people grow away from each other.
How to connect as an adult?
Last month, I read this article by Addie Page on the difficulties of making new friends as an adult.
It is hard, indeed.
I have moved many times.
The first time I lost contact was when I went to high school, as we had to change schools.
When I went to university, I lost contact with almost everyone from high school as they applied to other universities and courses. But I made new friends with whom I still have sporadic contact.
I went to another university for my Master’s degree and, again, met new people, made new friends, and drifted apart from the former ones — they went on with their lives, many returning to their hometowns, others going to other countries.
The good news was as I was close to my hometown and was able to reconnect with my high school friends.
I also met my current partner, who followed me on a new adventure as I went to another country to pursue a Ph.D.
There we met people from other countries — most from work.
It is hard to meet and build relationships with people outside work. I know because I tried. But I guess I tried in the wrong place — I signed up for the gym; met no one!
It is hard for me anyway, not only because I am an introvert but also because I am a bit picky. (Not sorry!)
Anyway, we moved back to our home country and, again, had to leave relationships behind. These simply did not survive the distance.
Reconnecting with family
Something that made me come back, especially after the lockdowns, was the need to be among loved ones. It’s been cozy and recomforting.
But as the world is re-starting to socialize, I can’t help thinking that working from home in a small village makes it even harder to make and keep new friends.
Yes, I have my family around every day. I have re-re-connected with a girlfriend from high school. And we sometimes go out with my partner’s friends from university.
But we still feel isolated. It’s the downside of living in a small place!
I’ve met new people, but mostly virtually, which is a type of relationship that needs even more time to build.
We need friends, and we need them NOW!
And for adults suddenly confronted with a perspective of loneliness, it is a slightly desperate feeling.
Back home, my partner and I couldn’t help noticing how our respective parents drifted away from their friends. They rarely meet people apart from their work colleagues and close family members.
My grandma’s troupe
Here’s what I envy about my grandma and her colleagues: they are from the pre-internet time, so they take their daily lives slowly.
No SMS. No Facebook. No WhatsApp groups.
They go out when they go out. If they meet, they talk; if not today, then tomorrow.
When the weather is fine, my granny goes for her usual walk, always to the same places. Her colleagues, who are in better physical shape, know where to find her. And they spend the afternoon remembering their childhood and young adulthood or sharing news from the village.
It is an organic, natural thing like social relationships should be.
I’m happy she found this way to spend her time — it brings life to the spirit.
What’s next for us?
I grew up in the 1990s and early 2000s when smartphones did not exist, and even cell phones were only becoming mainstream. People relied less on technology to communicate. You’d set a time and place and trust everyone would be there.
Nowadays, we rely much more on virtual social networks, and sometimes, finding a time that works for everyone is impossible!
Times have changed.
It seems we live at a faster pace with the need to be on top of everything — work, family, house chores, and all the latest trends on the internet.
The internet made us more connected to the wide world but less in synch with our local community (with all the advantages and disadvantages that come with it).
Around the pandemic, there was a lot of focus on self-care and mental well-being. And now we’ve realized that our own psychological health also depends on making more time for friendships.
It requires effort, but we’ll need to go the extra mile and squeeze in some time for friends in our daily or weekly schedules. Assuming they’ll do the same, of course.
If many of us adults are looking into making friends, it should become easier to find one. We only have to change our mindsets, as philosopher Geoffroy de Lagasnerie suggests, and put friendships first. At least some of the time.
And if we’re lucky, when we’re old, we’ll have a place where we can go every day to meet our ‘colleagues’ too!
How have you increased or deepened your friendships, post lockdown?
Thanks for reading!
