Where have I been? — Leaving the dream.
And what doing it at 22 made me realize.
Hi. For those of you who don’t know me, my name is Jandos Azerbay. But on here I go by J. F. Alexandria because I do not believe that my real name would attract much traction in the Western literary world, which I hope to penetrate.
I am a 23-year-old Kazakhstani. I live… or rather lived the dream life of 99% of people on this planet up until recently. I had a really good position at a prestigious organization (which I shall not name). I was based in Normandy but went to Paris every other weekend. My apartment was located in a building that we literally had to contact the government to do any work in. I was earning a very decent living, one that no kid my age could even dream of where I come from. And yet… I quit it. To return to my home country.
Now, let me elaborate a little…
I completed my studies at a posh university in Switzerland. I studied Hospitality and Luxury Brand Management as my degree and graduated with honors. *here is a picture of me being awarded my diploma.*
During my final semester at university, I was working long-distance at this company in hopes of one day joining them in France. Before I even realized it, the day had arrived. I received my visa and sat on the plane, heart full of anticipation, excitement and gratification. It was a long and tough road — getting the position of my dreams! At age 22! in Europe! I would have never imagined it actually happening, despite having worked tirelessly day and night for it. And now that it finally had, I could not wait to begin. Little did I imagine that six months later, I would be on the plane back home with ten times the excitement imploding within me.
There was a whole confluence of reasons why I decided to quit my job. First and foremost, as with anything I do is that I missed my family way too much.
- Family comes before everything.
I thought that by going away for a while, I would eventually earn myself endless time with them. But then I realized, as I saw pictures of my nephews in our group chat nurturing my newborn baby niece, that… I do not care for all the money and all the success in the world if I lose this precious tie with the people whom I love the most. Mountains of gold, statues of marble and ageless portraits can go f*** themselves if I don’t have my family with me. Every minute I am away from them is a minute I will sorely regret when I am older. All the times I could have been there with them, there for them, there laughing with them… is so much more precious than money.
2. Do what you want to do.
I mentored myself after the stoic persistence of the ancients and the archaic. I thought that if I were to endlessly force myself to do things, I would ultimately get the golden prize, and while I still stand by this belief to an extent, I now realize that as a spoiled child of the 21st century taught to pursue what I most love in life, I cannot do it. I simply cannot do it. Not all the time. So, I will launch myself into the pursuit of what I truly love and believe in above all (except for what is mentioned above) — knowledge. I will seek to attain as much knowledge as my humanity can hold and then to implement it as best I can to improve the world..
3. Patriotism is not a choice.
Since birth, I only saw the negative aspects of my culture. I hated how we had only recently become a civilization, Hated how our people were undereducated. Hated how much our regard of life differed from that of the West, the holy grail that has been taught to me since my very birth from every corner of the world I visited and every screen I saw.
But after having lived in the West and having understood the mentality of the West, I realized… that it is not the ideal. And that as an eastern man, I still value genuineness, directness, hospitality. I place family above all, I love children and want children more than anything in life. I want to make my parents proud and happy and do not mind tweaking my own personality and habits if it serves this purpose. I will stick by my brothers and my friends no matter what, even if they are not right. I will tell them they are not. But will have their back regardless.
The West does hold many wonders. But I do not come from the West. I do not necessarily agree with everything that comes from the West. Then why try to pass as Western?
I will choose to focus on the positive aspects of my own culture. I will try to love my country more. I will finally become the patriot that all the wise men I have encountered along my path have told me that a man must be, and whose words I foolishly ignored. But I learned my lesson. That is what matters.
I do not know if I will live out the rest of my day in my hometown. If the world leads me elsewhere, I will be more than open to embracing it, but for now… I couldn’t be gladder to return.
4. Greatness comes before money.
Being raised in polite society, I have craved money since a very young age. Seeing all the successful people that my parents were friends with, I sought to one day be their equal in stature. But now I realize, as I have grown and learned to understand myself better, that I do not value money as the most important thing in life. Certainly, I wish to have a sufficient amount to live a comfortable life, but if I ever had to choose, I would choose to have made an impact and been remembered for it over having endless coffers.
I wish to make a difference in the world. Foolishly and earnestly, I do. I wish to be great, I wish for history books to remember my name. Not as a mere passerby mentioned in a corner of some forgotten text. No, a figure that would echo for generations to come from the lips of my compatriots as a figure worthy of veneration.
5. Prioritise happiness.
Make sacrifices. Work for long-term gratification. Work hard. Strive to be the best version of yourself. But in the end, just do what makes you happy. Do what makes you happy. And though I may not make as much money working in finance in my hometown as I did in France, though I may not live in a place of sprawling conveniences and opportunities, I know that it was all worth it.
As I look down on the lights of my favorite city, my hometown, my forever love, my heart is replete with joy. Tears of gratitude stream down my face — gratitude for everyone and for everything I have in my life, for all the lessons I was lucky enough to learn — both the good and the bad. And I am forever grateful for the opportunity to be alive. And to strive towards my lifelong goal.
And I wish the same for you.
Regards,
J.
(If you’re curious about my journey towards following my heart, do read my other essays on Medium: I Have a Homeland and And Yet…)
