Guilt
Why Do I Feel So Guilty — All The Time!
And how I’m trying to fix it
Most mornings, I wake up feeling I’ve done something wrong. I call it The Guilt Machine. That whirring motor in my head that tells me I’m the bad guy. That I’m no good. That I’ve made a mess of everything I’ve ever done.
In the past, I numbed it with alcohol. Now I use less harmful methods like exercise, meditation, and writing.
My job helps as well.
I work as a groundsman and farm hand in Normandy, and the physical aspect of it has made a huge improvement to my mental health. Cutting hedges into a variety of interesting shapes, or herding 40 cows down a country lane, can bring out the best in a person.
I’m probably more suited to this kind of work than anything I’ve ever done. The hard physical slog sits well with my physique. Sitting in a classroom, teaching — my previous profession — doesn’t. I got bored sitting down all day dealing with uninterested students. Now I deal with uninterested cows. But they don’t answer back.
Even better is that normally there isn’t as much work in the autumn and winter as there is in the spring and summer. This gives me plenty of time over the winter to pursue the things I enjoy doing like walking, music, and writing. Or just doing…
