Your heart has to break open to heal
The message I needed to hear to heal and protect my heart
I went on a yoga retreat this weekend. This is a story about healthy friendships and why it’s important to heal and protect your heart.
‘Your heart is very big, very gentle. You have to take good care of it. Learn how to protect it and how to set boundaries. At the same time, Anja, I also want you to know that your soul knew that you could handle this heart. Otherwise, it wouldn’t have chosen it.’
I’m sitting on a wooden lounge chair. It is 6.30 in the morning. The sun is up too, and through the big glass door in the conservatory, I can see the dampness of the grass evaporate into the sky. It’s quiet. I don’t hear anything besides the water fountain in the back left corner of the kitchen. I feel tears building behind my eyes.
‘Here, I wrote down some things I think can help you heal and protect your heart.’
I reach out and take the paper from Trish’s fingers. I smile. With a big exhale, I say: ‘Thank you. I appreciate this so much.’
Trish doesn’t know that with her action, a hardened part is softening within me. Slowly waking up. Stretching into all directions like a cat in the morning. Gently blinking its eyes open, adjusting to the light. The part of me that wanted to meet a mentor since I was very young. And then picked one that saw my good nature, my gentle heart and walked all over it.
This is different. Trish, who taught us evening yoga and meditation, saw my heart, and she wants to teach me how to protect it. How to take care of it. How to mend it.
I once read a quote on Instagram:
Let’s heal so we can stop accidentally hurting people we want to love because we are projecting our own wounds onto them. — Steph Feels
What I love most about having found my people, my sisters, my brothers, is that through the energy practices, we learn to get curious, go inwards and heal one feeling at a time. With that, we learn to accept each other for who we are and where we are right now. Judgment-free.
We understand we are all on different healing paths. And although we listen and share stories, we accept each other and everyone’s unique life choices.
One of my favourite beliefs I repeat is: Today, I judge nothing that occurs.
After a weekend spent wrapped up in love and conversations that filled my heart and soul, I returned to London Sunday night. Monday, I sat on the floor talking to my therapist and said: I feel like I am re-learning how to be a friend. Or friendships in general.
Friendships before the retreat
I never consciously thought about friendships. They sort of happened.
You meet, you talk, you get on, and you keep in touch.
I never thought that as I evolve, friendships evolve too.
I never thought about consciously noticing how I’m feeling around certain people.
I never asked myself: Do I feel more or less energised after being with this person?
I never paid attention to the conversations that I was having and if they inspired me or made me feel blah about life.
It is only since October 2022, when I started to deepen my spiritual practices and therapy sessions with Barbara, that I am learning that I have a choice.
Friendships now
It is up to me how much time and energy I want to give to whom today.
It is up to me to set healthy boundaries with love.
It is up to me to say NO.
I’m learning that in healthy friendships, they accept my boundaries.
They accept that my life, too, has its waves.
This weekend I sat with so many women and a man, and although we all shared one thing in common — our interest in healing and growing into better versions of ourselves — we were COMPLETELY different.
Yet, there was this unspoken desire to accept and appreciate one another.
To listen equally.
I felt safe to cry, to laugh, to make jokes and to hug. I felt safe to share my thoughts and the experiences that brought me to the Yoga Retreat. I felt safe to be myself. The real Anja. The one that has so much love for life, the world and all living beings in it.
ALL living beings (except wasps, why do wasps exist?🙈)
There was no competition or jealousy. Only community and unity.
I’m sitting on the floor in my living room, listening to my therapist, and I can feel my heart mending. I notice a change in energy as we discuss what friendship means to me today.
Suddenly, I notice my heart hurting. I put my hand on it as I speak to my therapist. The sting becomes stronger, and I start to rub it. When it becomes unbearable, I say: ‘Barbara, my heart hurts. What can I do?’
She says: ‘Let’s talk to it.’
I close my eyes, and she asks me a couple of questions.
What shape or colour has the pain?
It’s a yellow duck. A comical-looking yellow duck.
I see the wind blow on the duck’s face making its feathers blow backwards. It has its eyes closed and looks at ease.
Then with time, the wind stops. And I see the duck walking on an empty street. It wobbles from one foot to the other. Easy going. Slow.
But it looks like it’s having fun! It looks happy. Excited even.
My heart is ready to go on an adventure. Try new things, meet new people and have fun doing so!
My heart also told me it’s processing a lot of information right now and needs time.
I slowly blink my eyes open, and we close our session.
I take my phone and message Trish: ‘My heart is hurting after doing work around the subject of friendships. Is this the energy moving around?’
She replies: ‘Yes! Your heart has to break open to heal. Cracking open lets the light in.’
Let’s crack those hearts open.
Let’s let the light in.
Let’s allow the body the time it needs to process. To heal.
And go have fun trying new things as it does so. 🙂
With so much love,
Anja
