I Thought I Could Pretend to Be Humble, But Life Taught Me Otherwise
By Karen Dobkins, Ph.D.
What does it mean to be humble? In the field of psychology, we distinguish between “traits” — which are relatively permanent parts of the personality, and “states” — which are impermanent experiences, often referred to as “emotions”, “moods” or “sentiments”. So, is humility a “trait” or a “state”?
If you had asked me this question in my 30s, I would have said humility was a trait, one that I tried to portray to others, lest they get the wrong idea that I was “full of myself.” The thing is, my self did feel quite literally “full” back then — I was a professor at a prestigious university, married to another professor, bearing three children in under three years (yes, that requires one set of twins), working hard every day, but still finding time to exercise, go out with friends, and play in a rock and roll band. People seemed to admire me and often remarked that I (or, rather, my ability to juggle so many things) was “amazing.” I could see where they were coming from, but knew better than to actually boast about any of it.
In other words, I was full of myself but I acted humble.
Twenty years later, in my 50s, I no longer view humility as a trait. I now experience it as a state, a quiet feeling deep inside my core. So, what changed? I suppose I could chalk it up to an unpleasant life event in my 40s — my marriage falling apart, which shattered my sense of self and, as they say, “humbled” me. I certainly wouldn’t be the first person to report that getting knocked down by life was a much needed wake-up call. In my case, it transitioned me into letting go of the self that is defined by a list of (admired by others) accomplishments. It required a state of humility for me to see that I am no more or less “amazing” than anyone else.
Listen, I am not saying there is anything wrong with having accomplishments. But getting attached to the idea that those accomplishments are who you are is — in my opinion, one of the major causes of human suffering. In my 30s, I was attached to my accomplishments, self-satisfied by a set of external circumstances that happened to go my way. In my 50s, I now see this mentality as a set-up for crisis when (not if) things don’t go as planned. I still do my best in life, but I no longer measure my (or other people’s) worth by external benchmarks. Instead, I see my accomplishments and failures as part of a lifelong journey filled with experiences that can always teach me something.
The bottom line is that my life falling apart — which was terribly painful, was a gift that ultimately reduced my suffering. I would never want to go back to the me of yore.
The good news is that I don’t think you need to go through a life-shattering event to experience a state of humility. It really just takes a little common sense and honesty. And so, here are some simple truths that I believe can help cultivate humility.
One, regardless of the volume of your accomplishments, you are no more (or less) important than anyone else. Sure, your impact on the world may be greater, or less, than average — but in the eyes of the universe, you are just one of 7.7 billion humans sharing this world for a blink-of-the-eye amount of time. This is a simple and humbling truth that you might try remembering every day….. especially in those moments when you think the disagreement you just had with a friend is the “end of the world.”
And, while we are on topic of disagreements with other people……
Two, humbly admit to yourself that you don’t know what other people are thinking and intending. So, the next time your feelings get hurt by a friend, realize that statements like “My friend meant to hurt me” are entirely without evidence. Instead, state the only thing that is true, which is “I was hurt by what my friend said.” Sure, you can wonder if your friend meant to hurt you, but unless you are willing to ask them directly, you will never know. (By the way, I recommend watching the sitcom “Friends,” which often models this beautiful type of direct and honest communication between people).
And, while we are on the topic of not knowing……
Three, there are simply a lot of things you don’t know. There are some things you know you don’t know, and other things you don’t even know you don’t know. It’s a bit mind-boggling to consider, but it just takes a little common sense to realize this is true. Listen, you have to move forward in your life with the information you currently have….. but humility is being willing to change your direction once you have learned more. In other words, it’s ok to admit you make mistakes.
Finally, I want to come back to the first point — you are not that important… but this time add in that you are also not that special (ouch, does it hurt to hear that?). It just takes a little honesty to realize that all humans possess all “traits” (all the good, the bad and the ugly), and experience all “states” (all the good, the bad and the ugly), although to varying degrees. Once you truly understand that we are all part of the same human Smorgasbord, you can start letting go of needing to define yourself, or be seen by others, as any particular trait, whether that trait be “amazingness,” “humility,” or both.
But wait, let’s not refer to humility as a trait.
Humility is a state of being, which can be practiced every day. Believe me, you will slip up in this humility practice, but, no worries, this will simply give you more opportunities to practice.
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Karen Dobkins is a Professor in the Department of Psychology at the University of California, San Diego, and the Director of the Mind, Experience & Perception Laboratory.
