Communication can never happen without Active Listening !!

In a day-to-day busy work life how often we enter into a conversation or a meeting with the sole focus of getting our point across?

In today’s high-tech, high-speed, high-stress world (call it VUCA or any other0 trendy acronym) , communication is more important then ever, yet we seem to devote less and less time to really listening to one another. Genuine listening has become a rare gift. It helps build relationships, solve problems, ensure better understanding, resolve conflicts, and improve accuracy.

I recently read the book The Communication Book: 44 Ideas for Better Conversations Every Day in which the authors mention why communication is key in our day to day conversation -

Communication is something natural, something everyday even, yet most of us have only a vague notion of the rules that govern it. Day in, day out, we ask questions, read, explain, write, listen, argue, discuss or hold our tongues. But only few of us have the necessary tools to improve the way we communicate or to understand how we’re being communicated with.

In short for any communication to be effective we need to get out and talk it out !

During our conversation normally we have the tendency to ignore the other participant/s altogether. We pretend to listen or think we are listening. But in reality, we are just thinking about our own story and how to deliver knock-out come-backs.

As per dictionary communication is : the imparting or exchanging of information by speaking, writing, or using some other medium

Communication is not just about delivering a clear message. Communication is bi-directional . It’s a dialogue, it’s a way to exchange information …

At work, effective listening means fewer errors and less wasted time. At home, it helps develop resourceful, self-reliant kids who can solve their own problems. Listening builds friendships and careers. It saves money and marriages.

What is Active Listening?

People can listen to others, but a lot of the time they don’t hear what’s actually being said. This can be caused by thoughts that occupy our minds, the fact that we have prejudices and all the things that can distract us. Being all ears is quite a challenge for many of us. Practice makes perfect though, and active listening is definitely a skill that can be learned. Active listening is a fundamental part of interpersonal communication skills. It’s an active process in which a conscious decision is taken to listen to another person and understand what’s being said.

American psychologists Carl Rogers and Richard Farson came up with the concept of Active Listening in 1957. They said that active listening is an important way to bring about changes in people. People who listen actively are more open to new experiences, are less defensive and have a more democratic attitude.

Listening barriers

Active listening is a skill that requires time and patience to develop properly. It requires the listener to focus fully on what the other is saying, without letting himself be distracted. It’s common for listeners to be tempted to want to fill a silence by asking questions right away, giving their own opinion or sharing a similar experience. Many people also have the tendency to give advice before letting the other person finish.

In addition to these listening barriers, distraction is the biggest culprit that makes it hard to listen actively sometimes. Think of thoughts that keep popping up in your head, the tendency to check our smartphones, trying to overhear other people’s conversations and looking at our surroundings. Active listening means that the speaker gets enough time and space to vent his thoughts, feelings and opinions and express himself well.

Ok, we spoke about Active Listening a lot so far. But how to develop active listening skills in our conversation .

Listen, Don’t talk

Resist talking about yourself. In of the TEDx speech radio host Celeste Headlee puts it brilliantly :

If they’re talking about having lost a family member, don’t start talking about the time you lost a family member. If they’re talking about the trouble they’re having at work, don’t tell them how much you hate your job. It’s not the same, it’s never the same. All experiences are individual. And more importantly, it’s not about you.

Your body language says a lot

Look at the other person in the eye — but don’t stare. Nod — but only when you want to agree with what he/she saying or show that you have understood.

Be Attentive (Notice the little Things)

The important thing is to be attentive. The dictionary says that to “attend” another person means to:

1. be present
2. give attention
3. apply or direct yourself
4. pay attention
5. remain ready to serve

Be a friend, you are not here to judge (connect with empathy)

Resist the temptation of giving the advice — unless of course they specifically ask for it. Instead, take the conversation back to an exciting, important part of the storytelling . Or simply ask the question : “What happened next” ?

Don’t interrupt and don’t impose your Solutions

When listening to someone talk about a problem, refrain from suggesting solutions. Most of us don’t want your advice anyway. If we do, we’ll ask for it. Most of us prefer to figure out our own solutions. We need you to listen and help us do that. Somewhere way down the line, if you are absolutely bursting with a brilliant solution, at least get the speaker’s permission. Ask, “Would you like to hear my ideas?”

Interrupting sends a variety of messages. It says (passes one of the below message) :

1. “I’m more important than you are.”
2. “What I have to say is more interesting, accurate or relevant.”
3. “I don’t really care what you think.”
4. “I don’t have time for your opinion.”

Pay attention to what isn’t said — non verbal cues

Face to face with a person, you can detect enthusiasm, boredom, or irritation very quickly in the expression around the eyes, the set of the mouth, the slope of the shoulders. These are clues you can’t ignore. When listening, remember that words convey only a fraction of the message.

“Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” Stephen R. Covey

Summary

It’s all bout listening — really listening with the intent to understand. It’s about keeping on open mind and embracing curiosity. It’s about caring, respect, awareness and kindness between one another.

Becoming/aspiring (to be) a better communicator is everyone’s need- irrespective of the designation & position (in an organization) you carry : whether you are a CEO, manager, or employee.

Next time you are heading for any meeting or to have a conversation — take a . Have a deep breath. Press button… and

More Information

1. The Communication Book: 44 Ideas for Better Conversations Every Day (https://www.amazon.in/Communication-Book-Ideas-Better-Conversations-ebook/dp/B0762DB43J)
2. Rogers, C. R., & Farson, R. E. (1957). Active listening. Industrial Relations Center of the University of Chicago.
3. TEDx talk by Celeste Headlee https://www.ted.com/talks/celeste_headlee_10_ways_to_have_a_better_conversation?language=en

#activelistening #communication #empathy