What my schooling has really taught me (A memoir)
When it came to school, I was the kind of kid that school work came easily too. I never struggled to learn the material. I grew up constantly being praised for my good grades and maturity towards school. Anything my teacher throw, at me I could achieve. Impressing my peers, my parents and teachers became a priority, and I was praised for it. I loved to learn and I loved my teachers. To put it in perspective, I was the kid mothers would compare their child to, I was the favorite grandchild and niece, the one that had her life together and a clear path to success. I enjoyed the pride that radiated from my family when that report card came in. Come to the end of elementary school, it became a habit to see seven pretty A pluses on that piece of paper. Always the good child, also one step ahead, never disobeying…the perfect student.
For eight years I never had to try, I didn’t have too. Everything came easy, I was a great soccer player, a great artist, and naturally, I was mature and responsible. I never realized how much of my identity was built from my academic achievements. And all this time I was being applauded for my perfectionism. This praising only fueled my desire to be the best.
Over time my relationship with school became toxic. I never knew it because I still got straight A’s. When I felt stressed, I only pushed harder to do better. Whenever I performed below my standard, I crumbled. I had failed. Failure was the ultimate fear I had. Come high school I had lots of anxiety about my grades which only trickled down into the rest of my life. My second semester of freshmen year was a wake-up call(one I can now proudly say I’m grateful for). I had started high school soccer and I ended up playing varsity for most of it. The amount of pressure I put on myself was terrifying. I had less time to do homework because of practice, and twice a week there were game nights, which I didn’t get home from till 9:30 pm (thanks to my duel playing on JV and varsity). I was dealing with multiple injuries including my notoriously bad knees, which only made things worse.
The full wrath of my anxiety decided to make its fashionable entrance around this time. Almost every game I had a panic attack on the field which just led to confusion from my coach, teammates and myself. I had experienced depression in the past, but nothing like this.
School had become a nightmare. I ended up seeing a therapist once a week which took away any time I had left for homework. I was later diagnosed with high functioning anxiety and depression. I was on supplements but school was still terrible. It pained me that I couldn’t think the way I used to. I thought I had become stupid or dumb. Every test, every quiz, every assignment felt like the biggest roadblock. My one impossible task. My grades were slipping and I had lost the pride I had in my grades. I felt worthless. I felt like I was failing at the only thing I knew how to do right.
And here is where I found my problem within America’s “education” system.
I am taught to put my homework first, always. I am taught to set aside my mental health to complete work because “stress is normal in teenagers”. I am taught to indulge in honors classes to get a higher GPA. I am taught to put my grades above the rest, but still be sure to get 8 hours of sleep. If there is a rare moment of having nothing on my plate, I don’t know what to do with myself, I have forgotten what it means to be spontaneous. My education has done nothing but showed me how easy it was to lose sight of the person I wanted to become. I am being forced into a mold that I have reliezed I do not fit into…school isn’t a place to learn anymore, it has become a way to measure a specific intelligence through a letter.
