Superposition, Artificial Intelligence, and Finding Love
Ever wonder how bad boys get all the girls? In humanity’s eternal quest for love, this question has long been the epicenter of the quake that breaks all logic — how can behavior that is objectively bad be attractive, and why does being too nice correspond to being single? People put this down to the mercurial nature of love. They say it is messy and random and all that cannot be comprehended.
There is, though, a simple explanation for this — because love is not a tangible concept or even a clearly defined feeling, we define it based on other things. Mostly, we define love as a special connection that manifests itself as excitement we feel in someone else’s presence. And “bad” behavior is definitely exciting given how edgy, new, and possibly dangerous it can be, making bad boys oh-so attractive.
That is not the end of the story, though. The bad-boy-attraction syndrome rarely leads to lasting love. That begs question: what is love and why is it so hard to find the one? As a maths and physics guy, here’s my answer: it’s all about waves and fingerprints.
Everybody knows that humans have unique fingerprints. I believe humans have fingerprints for their instincts too — they are the lines and contours of our natural tendencies and dispositions, which determine our core personal traits. For example, I have leaned towards physical safety ever since I was a child. At the same time, I am emotionally adventurous. These dispositions play themselves out in all that I do, and their intricacies separate me from others, forming the signature waveforms of my existence.
When we meet someone, it is essentially a collision of two waves. In physics, this phenomenon is known as superposition, which results in the two waves adding up. When similar waves overlap, they add up to form a bigger one, with more potency and possibilities than the individual waves — interestingly, we use a similar expression commonly to describe such human relationships: “it is like we are on the same wavelength.” When opposing waves collide, they cancel each other out and nothing comes out of such interactions. To find love, then, we need to find a waveform — an instinct — that matches ours closely, so that we can surf the highs into emotional ecstasy.
Here’s where it gets tricky, though. We never get to experience someone’s instinctive waveform all by itself — we only get to see their overall behavior. There are many parts to that behavior, which are not necessarily reflective of who they are at their core. If you are looking for love, which equates to a long-term connection, look for sources of excitement connected to someone’s core.
So how do you see into someone’s core and how do you find the one who is your natural fit? It is challenging. Here are some things that the concepts of waves in physics, and other nerdiness, teach us:
The black-box conundrum:
How do you find the right waveform when you cannot even see it? We only get to see people’s behavior, not their instincts. Knowing what someone is like at their core is mostly up to judgment. It is like their cores are hidden inside a black-box that we cannot see inside. How do you solve such a problem?
When artificially intelligent agents are presented with a black-box problem, they figure it out by trying different things and then looking at the data that builds up. In dating, though, we keep on following a well-developed pattern within a social construct of expectations. Because of that, the behavior we see on dates is not instinctive — it is not even instructive.
The solution? Forget convention. Personalize your dates. Go for a hike on your first date if that is what you like. Or even just a drive. Anything other than coffee, dinner, or the movies. You will find more about what the other person is really like when you throw them in an unconventional situation. And remember, you cannot get to someone’s core easily. It takes a lot of data and lots of time — you’d have to rely purely on luck if you want to find the one at first sight.
(Is it just me or is it actually hilarious that we are learning how to be intelligent from artificially intelligent agents, whose intelligence is based on our understanding of human intelligence?)
Noise:
So you’ve tried different things and built up data, but you’re still confused about what someone’s core is all about? Humans are messy — their behavior can be erratic and random. But humans are intricate as well, and it is not easy to distinguish intricacy from randomness. How can you distinguish intricacy from randomness, then?
Well, any physics nerd will tell you that noise in waveforms makes it hard to determine what is real and what is not. One way to remove noise from a waveform is to view it at several points in time and see the common patterns — those patterns represent what is real, and the rest is noise. Another way is to let waves run their course for a long period of time — they reach a “steady-state”, eventually, which is what their true form is.
The combined wisdom of the two techniques suggests that we should take our time and read enough but not too much into singular moments we spend with someone. Repeated patterns of behavior are a more reliable source of understanding someone’s core than any spoken words or singular moments which suggest otherwise.
Damping:
Even the most powerful waves can die over time. In our quest for love, we see a similar phenomenon play out where some people tailor their behavior to seem like the person you would fall in love with, once they have a read on you. These are the jerks who weaken our faith in love when it eventually falls apart because “it seemed so perfect in the start.” The reason it falls apart with them is that they slowly revert to their real-selves, and their waveform starts canceling yours out until there is nothing left.
The solution? Explore people in their native environments and take your time falling in love — again, love at first sight is just a romantic abstraction. You need to find that person whose reasons for being excited about things are the same as yours, even if you are not excited about the same things. So dig for a deeper connection instead of just superficial overlaps.
At the very least, be wary of people’s habits. Even in cases where a lot of major things align, someone’s seemingly harmless habits can be a source of death if they don’t align with your natural sensibilities and dispositions. They become a source of constant friction, and friction can stop anything.
The Final Word
People’s instincts are not set in stone. They change through experiences, and can change with effort as well. Be sensitive to what made people who they are, and give them a chance to be better if they want to be.
Also, physics makes the world go around without letting it collapse — surely it can do the same for the heart? Wield its power and go find love — it is not that mysterious or impossible to find.
