Bitten By The Green-Eyed Monster
As kids we have all wanted that one toy or that fancy pencil box that our friend has. It didn’t matter whether what we have is better or is wanted by others, all we could think about is what that other kid has. Somehow this basic string of envy remains in us and probably grows stronger as we grow up. I have heard it from so many strangers and friends alike “He has such a nice wife and yet he complains” or “her life is picture perfect with that boy friend of hers treating her like a queen, I wish I had someone like him in my life”.
Envy and jealousy are a part of human nature definitely but can we do without it. In neuroscience it’s called Mimetic desires. We try to mimic each other in terms of our wants but not our needs. Mimetic desires as explained in terms of neuroscience is more than just jealousy or envy. It’s about realising the value of something only when someone else has it. It might sound harmless in that form but in real life situations it can cause a lot of grief and chaos especially in one’s love life.
One of my friends once told me about his first relationship. It ended up in heartbreak and after hearing his story I was convinced that it was not just envy or jealousy but because of ‘Mimetic desires’.
Anwesha was a popular girl in her college and used to share the ride back home with her school-friend Sam. One fine day he informed her that another friend of his will be sharing the ride with them from now on. Prakrit wasn’t a popular kid in college. Still trying to discover the world of engineering he was clueless of the world of love and relationships. Prakrit knew of Anwesha and had heard about her popularity, however Anwesha had no clue about his existence till the first time they shared a ride home. Life in first year of engineering college progressed and so did Anwesha and Prakrit’s friendship. Prakrit became a frequent name alongside Anwesha’s. Even though outsiders thought there must be something cooking between the two of them Prakrit had his interests elsewhere.
Ria, though considered hot and pretty wasn’t that talked about. Prakrit and Ria didn’t even roam around in common friend circles but they had a connection which was still hidden from the rest of the college. Prakrit looked forward to returning home as soon as possible because that’s when Ria used to call and chat for hours. Prakrit shared his heart out to Sam about their chat and Anwesha teased him about Ria. Things were going good for Prakrit - a potential love interest who responded positively and friends that he could share things with. But life isn’t about steady progression.
Ria, one day heard a rumour about Prakrit and Anwesha which came as a shock because Prakrit had never mentioned that he was interested in Anwesha. Prakrit himself heard the rumour but didn’t react much because he thought there was no truth in it and eventually people will forget about it. But the damage was already done. Ria tried talking to Prakrit about it but since they hadn’t established their own relationship yet, she couldn’t go through with it. Slowly, that one call that Prakrit used to so look forward to shrunk to nothing. Prakrit though disappointed with losing Ria, loved the attention he had gained because of Anwesha’s company and slowly the inevitable happened. Anwesha and Prakrit started seeing each other. Their relationship lasted for a little over a year when Prakrit found out that Anwesha cheated on him and was left completely heartbroken. It was only after the debacle that he understood that the rumour that took Ria away was started by none other than Anwesha.
Anwesha thought she wanted Prakrit in her life not because he had certain qualities that she liked but merely because he was unavailable to her. She wanted to mimic Ria in Prakrit’s life. His stories about Ria made her envious of their bond and she acted on that impulsively. The result was Prakrit’s broken heart and a messy first relationship. Some might call Prakrit naive but the bigger truth here is that the foundation on which the relationship was built was envy and that’s why the fallout.
It’s nothing to be scared of if consciously or sub consciously we make heart related decisions based on what others have. It might even be a good place to start at but definitely not to act on. If we can identify the qualities that we like by observing others’ partners, it’s not a negative practice. But instead of misunderstanding the liking for those qualities as love for that person, what we can do is understand ourselves and differentiate between desires and needs. Who someone else has in their life might be what you desire but it doesn’t mean that that’s who you need as an individual. If we become aware of what we are looking for in that one person we want to share our life with, we will realise it’s often a mix of a few qualities from multiple people that we desire. That is why desire has no end. Even if you get someone whom you desired, the search for new desires never stop. If you think about it, it’s common sense. If everyone’s sense of beauty and virtues was one dimensional then everyone would be in love with just one person in this world. So instead of looking at what’s on someone else’s plate all you need to do is stop and think what you would like for dinner.
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