Comparisons & Relationships — An Oxymoron
Does anybody ever like being compared in a relationship? Especially to an ex?
I would like to believe that the answer to that is a resounding No. Or at least it’s what I would have believed if it weren’t for a chance conversation with a friend about his relationship.
“I don’t mind being compared in the relationship, but she hates it!”, he said slightly puzzled.
“What!?”, I nearly spat my coffee.
“Yeah man, I know right? Like, why would she fly off a handle for that?”
“Why wouldn’t she?”, I said.
“What do you mean?”
“Who likes being compared in a relationship? I would hate it!”, I said with conviction.
“Oh really?”
One could tell, he wasn’t prepared to find out that nearly the entire world hated this phenomenon he deemed normal.
“Wait, why don’t you mind being compared?” I asked, wanting to get him to find out how much he could potentially hate it.
“Well, you know, I kinda think of it in a positive way and see it as an opportunity to improve.” he said.
Now, wait a minute. Who thinks like that, right?
If my partner were to walk up to me and say “Hey, you know you left the geyser on this morning. Rachel never did that and I never had to have to remind her about anything over a million times.” Now I would not see that as an opportunity to become good at turning off the geyser or better than Rachel. I would throw a brick at him for saying that (and maybe throw a brick at Rachel if I ever met her!)
But, if fact be told, I was mighty impressed by how my friend took it. I could never be him in a million years but I liked the fact that there existed people who didn’t think this meant competition, it was refreshing to say the least.
Since this conversation stuck with me for a while, I went back home and did some research. I simply hit ‘Comparison in Relationships’ on Google. All links mostly looked like this —
7 Reasons Not To Compare In a Relationships.
How To Stop Comparing Your Relationship With Others
20 Bad Habits That Could Hurt Your Relationship
The Only Way to Stop Comparing Your Past Relationship to Your Present Relationship
Not a single one spoke about how it may not be so bad. But I didn’t quite mind that. Even though I respect the fact that my friend doesn’t mind comparisons, I hate it. And here are the reasons why I think comparisons are a big No-No.
Reason 1: I am not the same person as your ex and the chances of us doing the exact goddamn thing is close to impossible. Human flaws are a real thing and honestly, if you can’t realise the fact that — if your ex turned the geyser off, it doesn’t make her supremely perfect and if I didn’t, it doesn’t make me perpetually irresponsible; then we have a problem and I don’t know what the hell I am doing in the relationship.
How to fix it: Remind me and maybe leave notes? Do I keep nagging you about how my ex made the most delightful caramel custard (if I do, then what are you even doing in this relationship?)
Reason 2: If you are going to keep reminding me about your ex, the chances of me thinking you keep thinking of her most of the time, is not a slim chance. Well, basically, if my faults remind you of her, then maybe she was utterly perfect and you are maybe not entirely over her? Well, at least that’s the picture I get. You only brag about someone’s capabilities when you are fond of them. So if we put one and one together, then, you know, it fits.
How to fix it: Honestly, I don’t know. If you do keep thinking of her then the chances are you miss her. Why don’t you sit down and think about it and when you reach a conclusion, pick one of us. If it’s me, we never talk about her in such manners again. If you pick her, then obviously, get the bloody hell out.
Reason 3: Comparisons in general suck. I mean, I hated my parents for constantly telling me how Sharmaji’s daughter got an extra mark or gets paid a grand more. I hated it then and I hate it now. Comparisons work in a regressive manner. You meant to say “Turn off the geyser”, and I heard “You are so irresponsible and incapable of simple daily functions. I have seen better people and I don’t even know what I am doing with you.” And don’t even try telling me, this is woman’s-only thought. Men hate comparisons too. If I told you Rahul plays better basketball or was a better kisser or even that he was a nicer guy, you’d punch a hole through the wall. So please.
How to fix it: Don’t compare, maybe?
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Well I started off with the intention of praising somebody who could look at the bright side of a comparison but clearly I am not the right person to have written about that perspective. But I will hold my ground and say this, no matter what your preference, your partner needs to know it and be okay with it. Because you are not in the game across each other; you are beside each other.
Act like a team, not like nagging competitors.
