Gaslighting : A Real Relationship Problem
“I am beginning to wonder if something is wrong with me”, my friend said quietly.
This was the conclusion she drew from the arguments she had had with her husband of 2 years. It’s alright to think like this sometimes, except in her case, it was as often as twice a week. He was doing a thorough job of making her believe that any issue they argued over was her fault. To simply put it, he was manipulative in his stance to an extent that she eventually resigned.
Gaslighting (ˈɡaslʌɪt/)
verb
To manipulate (someone) by psychological means into doubting their own sanity.
It started with small things. First it was small arguments about who left the lights on. Who forgot to leave the meat out to thaw, or who forgot to leave the trash out. He almost always pointed the finger at her. At most of these times, she was absolutely sure it wasn’t her but he said it with utmost adamancy. She let it go. It progressed and one day the gas was left on. He pointed at her again and she lost her calm. She told him it was ridiculous how he lied like that. He sat her down calmly and told her she was losing her mind and that he hadn’t entered the kitchen that afternoon. She sat there, recollecting and could not remember going in herself. Was she really losing her mind, she began to think.
The frequency of these were startling. We were all together at dinner once when he was telling us a tale about how Annie nearly hit the car. She was as perplexed as we were. She had no memory of it.
“How could you possibly forget? We were driving to Joseph’s that evening!”, he said.
“When”, she said slowly, her forehead creased in thought.
“Baby! I can’t believe you don’t remember this.”, he lied.
She remained quiet and uneasy. What was happening? It was so unusual, because none of these things happened, she thought to herself.
Slowly, their arguments got more frequent.
“Did you pick up the courier?” she asked him once.
“What courier?” he said plainly.
“The one I asked you to pick up this morning!?”
“Babe, you didn’t ask me to pick anything.”
“What! Are you alright, I was standing right here sipping my coffee when I asked you to stop and pick up the courier!”
“No you did not? Are you delusional?”
Was she, she wondered and she lay wondering all night.
Another day it was.
“You are so delusional, I am worried about Jupiter. Are you even feeding him or do you forget that as well? You need help, babe!”
Jupiter was Annie’s 6 year old Beagle and she loved him with her whole existence. This statement threw her off. What if he was right? What if she was forgetting to feed him?
Annie was beyond confused. And slowly beginning to wonder if something really was the matter with her.
“You think I wouldn’t find out?”, he spat at her in anger, as she walked in through the door one Sunday evening.
“Find out what”, she asked bewildered.
“About your affair with that stinky rat, Mark? He sent you flowers today!”
“What?! I have no affair happening with anybody. What are you talking about?”
“Are you calling me a liar!”
“No but.”
“I don’t know who you have become Annie. How are you able to lie to me like this? We were so good. You were so good to Jupiter, but now”, he sobbed hugging her dog.
And the addition of that praise in the end threw her off completely to an extent that she broke down and apologised to him. She told him she didn’t know what was happening to her. He promised to help.
A few weeks later, Annie saw her husband with another woman while she was at the supermarket. She called him immediately. He answered and said he was just running into a meeting and would call her later
She confronted him that evening and he vehemently denied having an affair.
“You are crazy!”, he yelled.
And it did drive her crazier. She did not know what was right or wrong anymore, because she had been so emotionally drained all through. She did not have the strength to argue or stand up for herself. And this is when she told me that she was beginning to wonder if something was really wrong with her.
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Gaslighting has been a psychological phenomenon that has existed since 1938. It was first heard of in a play called Gas Light. The plot includes a husband who constantly convinces his wife that she is insane in a small but steady fashion. The original term stemmed from the time the husband dims the lights in the attic everyday in order to search for hidden treasure. When the wife correctly recognises that the lights are dimmer, he dismisses it as her imagination, hence slowly confusing and disorienting her.
Gaslighting is the most hardly recognised psychological issue couples face today. Most of them do not know they are even being manipulated. It has been observed that sociopaths and narcissists usually advocate gaslighting methods to gain an upper hand in a relationship. And in the worst cases, gas lighting can really incapacitate the victim beyond repair.
