“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves — regret for the past and fear of the future” -Fulton Oursler
It’s not uncommon to think, “What if?”
On the days that I feel nothing can shake my spirit I believe that for the life I lived and choices I’ve made, I’ve done the best for the moment. But then there are those other days. Days that test you, question your thoughts and motives, and dissolve your self-confidence into dust. Those days I wonder about the things I would do if I could go back and start again, how things might have been different. Of course, no matter how well you do something, there always will be someone else who does it better leaving you to feel like an absolute fool. And this belief is what gives rise to regret and maybe a little remorse. Have you felt overburdened by the things that you thought you almost had, but let it slip through your fingers? Many would say, “Ah, but that’s life. When one door closes, another opens.” But imagine how you would have turned out if you closed (or opened) a different door?
As a child I was as average as average can be. I passed exams with decent marks and didn’t possess any great talent. I went to school and came back home afterwards. I attended Sunday Schools and spent time with my family. I never had any best friends but managed to keep a social relationship with everyone in class. Everything was normal and mechanical. But I craved to get out of home. For the longest time growing up I wanted to live a different life. I hated that everyone else’s life was going great and I was missing out!
I ‘ran away’ from home when I was 12 or 11. There was a school play that I eagerly wanted to be a part of but my parents refused. I still don’t know what I was thinking when despite them refusing I went for the auditions, got selected and started going for rehearsals. It’s not like I was the lead role or had any dialogues to say. I was a clock whose only job was to go tick-tock. But I was a proud clock! The final rehearsal was taking place a 100 kms away from school and despite my parents saying No, I got on that bus and went for the rehearsal. I didn’t at that time think of what my parents would feel, or how I will get out of this mess I was creating. Obviously, hours later I was found by my Uncle and brought back home. I came home to an anxious dad, a weeping mom and confused sisters. My parents hugged me and didn’t say anything (well, not verbally). My Uncles made sure that I felt guilty for what I did. Years later, they never stopped reminding me of this dramatic episode. Looking back, I’m glad I was found. I can’t imagine anything going remotely right otherwise. What if no one came to find me or I could never see my parents again?
I often think of the smallest things that almost crossed my path. My parents used to joke that they would put us in a boarding school if we were too hard to manage. Who would I be if I had gone to a boarding school, away from my parents and siblings? Would I have turned out a little more detached and reserved or maybe a social butterfly or a rebel?
We think life is about age, degrees, titles, salaries or the other insignificant numbers that we give more value to. While all these decisions are equally important it’s overwhelming to think of these little choices that might have changed everything that makes me, well ME — like what I wear, eat, read, believe or even who I like, dislike and love.
Even if we consider them insignificant, in the big picture they mattered a lot, like the clock in the play I never got to be a part of. What if I told you that we are constantly standing at crossroads, faced with numerous decisions? Each decision that we took or didn’t take, led us to a certain direction for better or for worse. I guess that’s why we humans romance with the idea of time travel. Travel in the infinite directions of time and see what could be done differently. If we knew what would have happened if we had taken the other road, life would have definitely been a lot easier but a little less interesting.
The list of what if’s is a long one. As I grew up the list grew longer. Of course, the regrets were more complex now. Of things that I could have had and of people who got away. Of places I could have seen and lives I could have touched. Of all the losses and gains, some I celebrate while for the others I mourn. I wish I could go back and make that one phone call when I thought of the person rather than hear about her sudden death. Or if I could go back and stand up for myself when a guy called me fat. I wish I could relive the days my Mom made idlis for breakfast. I wish I didn’t use those words in a fit of anger, when all I wanted was to be heard.
I’m still quite unsure how to cope with regrets. I know that life today isn’t bad, not in the slightest. Of course, I can hold on to the notion that a Yes here or a No there could have either led me to an extravagant life or on the contrary something unimaginable and horrible. I might have never learnt to appreciate today. Regrets can be like those nasty parasites sometimes. They fly in when you have hit your lowest of lows and latch on to your mind. They keep showing up in your thoughts when you are vulnerable and angry and sad and broken. “Did I do the right thing?” Nobody knows what is going on deep down in one’s psyche. No matter how perfect their life seems, it’s only when you look closer will you see the cracks in the facade they put up all along.
