“Love, Love changes everything:
Hands and faces; Earth and sky.
Love, Love changes everything:
How you live and how you die.”
-Andrew Lloyd Weber
Many people associate love with a warm and fuzzy feeling. Butterflies in the tummy, weak in the knees, an overwhelmingly blissful and liberating feeling are some things people describe this phenomenon by. I smile just at the thought of being in love. The naive me used to wonder how could things possibly go wrong when in love. If you are in love, why would you hurt them? For countless many others love is a cold and dark place to be. Love is cruel, bitter and a burst of painful memories.
In a surprising turn of events, a friend of mine finally got married 2 year ago. It came as a shock because he was one of those men who refused to get married because he knew no woman would understand and accept him in all his imperfections, and let him live a “free life”. After much persistence from his family, and a girl who met him once and fell madly in love with him, he decided to at least take the initiative of giving the proposals a further thought. He met the girl casually a couple of times after the families decided to go ahead with the marriage. After 3 days he walked home announcing ‘This isn’t working out’. The distressed parents consoled him and went ahead with their search. Their only son was 34 and they didn’t want him to die alone. The next proposal was also from a very compatible family. That lasted 2 weeks, before my friend pulled the plug. After 5 more of such disastrous proposals, my friend finally said yes to Neha (obviously that’s not her name, but she could be a Neha).
Though I had met Neha only once I had an unsettling feeling about this. She was a great person to be around but she was the absolute opposite of my friend. While he loved fast cars, partying and, spontaneity, she loved gardening, knitting, staying indoors and other artsy things. I was worried that the two people who were getting married hadn’t really thought it through.
There’s nothing wrong with opposites attracting. My friend is an unintentional charmer. He just knows how to make you feel like you’ve known him for ages. And most girls who have met him find that terribly attractive. Despite their differences, Neha decided to go ahead with the marriage. On the other hand, my friend who was tired of meeting all the girls, followed by the emotional encounters with his parents, also said yes under the pretext that ‘She’s okay, I’m not bored of talking to her, so that’s a good thing’.
And so in a grand affair, they were married. Pictures of their engagement, marriage, reception, and later their honeymoon were splayed all over the social feeds. They were indeed the most envied couple. Every other month, either one would tag the other in a post celebrating their first anniversary, or a month-versary or valentine’s day or just a random day. They could easily have won an award for being the best couple. They were nothing short of a celebrity couple. People followed them on Instagram (#relationshipgoals), while many singles started asking what their secret to being so madly in love was.
Slowly their posts became less frequent. I still saw pictures of them on social media but never together. Most people didn’t care. Out of sight, is out of mind. They moved on with their lives without much thought about our dear celebrities. After all, everyone has their own drama to deal with.
It was around this time I quit social media to give my personal life a little more attention. I wanted a break from the pokes, pointless pictures, and the clickbaits of the so-called news channels and media houses. I missed out on another important event. 14 months into the marriage, Neha had signed the divorce papers.
They told the world it was ‘irreconcilable differences’ being the celebrities they were and closed that chapter of their life, parting ways forever. Nobody knew what happened or who did what, but both of them were no longer the people I once knew.
Remember as a child, when your cousin or best friend would come home to play and the anger you would feel when they broke your favourite toy? Or in your college hostel when your best friend borrowed your tee and gave it back in the worst condition possible? Well none of these examples can remotely be compared to what happens when two people walk out of a marriage with broken hearts, broken trust and no hope. The rage and frustration of two people who have been ruined by each other can never really be fixed again.
My friend isolated himself from everyone — no more cars or partying. His social circle curbed to a handful of people and he chose to be around friends who wouldn’t ask about his failed marriage. He barely ate or slept and focussed all his energy on his work. His parents were supportive as always, but he saw it as pity.
A few months after the divorce I bumped into him at the local supermarket. The unaware fool that I was, I asked him about his wife. He said ‘Didn’t work out. I’m a free divorced man’ and quickly changed subjects. We decided that there is a lot to catch up on and planned to meet later.
He was indeed a changed man. The guy who could woo his way into any woman’s heart, was now cautious with his words and blunt in his tone. He spoke about his ex-wife with absolutely no bitterness, but was struggling to not show pain or anger. I was tempted to ask ‘what happened’ on numerous occasions of our conversation, but I figured his privacy was more valuable than my curiosity. “I tried. I tried really hard. But I don’t think I was ever meant to be married. I was put on this planet to just live, not love. I’m glad I realised that, so don’t worry about me’, were the words he said before flying off to London to start a new life.
I don’t think their love was all pretense. Those pictures, those messages, they couldn’t all be for the sake of a few ‘likes’. They were in love. Madly in love. But love changes over time. And the same love changes us. In retrospect, we notice a few changes here and there, but then suddenly it’s like looking at an entirely new person. Did this change happen overnight, or were we never paying attention? For some the changes are more accepting and uplifting compared to the others. The remaining unfortunate few walk out picking what’s left of themselves and try to mend themselves. It’s hard to imagine how complicated some relationships can be until you’re actually in them. When we are there we think that it’s going to last. A fable we tell ourselves to keep the world and our ego happy. But when the fire breaks out, it destroys everything — the fable and our ego.
As for my friend, he is absolutely fine. He never did completely recover to be his old self again, but that’s okay. We all felt he was way too flamboyant and reckless anyway. Of course love came knocking on his doorstep again. He’s been dating somebody for the past 7 months, but obviously is taking time before he commits. So much for “I was put on this planet to live, not love”.
Men!
