I used to wonder what “It’s complicated” on people’s timelines meant. I recall relationships to be a very simple affair — you either love him/her or don’t (and vice versa).
At first, I thought making your relationship seem complicated on social media must be some sort of attention seeking behaviour or a means for people to feel important. I continued to think that it was nothing more than a social trend like the ‘Black & White Photo challenge’ that keeps making rounds on social platforms every few weeks. I didn’t really have any close friends who actually had put Complicated as their Facebook status, so I could never ask or find out what it actually meant.
I believed that the world was unnecessarily complicating relationships, till a friend actually told me about her first and only love. Let’s just say that it was really, really complicated. To give you an idea, their relationship was like that of Ross and Rachel, except that they had other complications like they were from different cultural and religious backgrounds, lived in two different states, and got to meet each other only once a month. They loved each other, but the fact that the parents would never agree tormented them when they were together.
So when they’d meet they would fight and try to end the relationship. But once they cool down, and are miles away, they miss each other and reconcile. This went on for few years before finally they mutually agreed to cut all contact with each other.
Though that relationship ended quite unfortunately, my curiosity for understanding complicated relationships piqued.
Why is it Complicated?
I found out that many people, even those who choose not to reveal it on social media, have relationships that aren’t linear like they used to be. These relationships become complicated because of mixed feelings or because there are other people involved in the equation.
I finally came up with these assumptions of what complicated in relationships might mean (Obviously it’s not complete. These might just be few of the many situations one could find themselves in):
- You were in a relationship with someone who for some reason is no longer in your life, but you still can’t move on because you harbor feelings for that person.
- You are in a relationship with someone who you are no longer in love with, and your heart is somewhere (or with someone) else.
- You broke up with someone, and go from exes to Just Friends to Friends With Benefits to On A Break to something equally confusing. You end up enmeshed in a non-exclusive relationship.
- The person you love is with someone else but does end up having a relationship with you, while still being attached to the other person.
- You are in love with multiple people at the same time.
Relationships have always been tricky, irrespective of whether they are complicated or not. Back when monogamous relationships were trendy, people used to not just spend time in finding the right person, but would also spend all their energy in maintaining that one relationship. Fast forward to today, and we have people trying to juggle multiple relationships at the same time, in hopes to find that perfect one. It’s bound to get complicated.
Does ‘It’s complicated’ mean ‘It’s dysfunctional’?
Not always. It’s complicated often simply means ‘I don’t know’.
As much as it’s become a laughable topic today, the person going through such a confusing state is probably going through dark times. You don’t know whether to trust your emotions, you are scared what people might think, you can’t move on with your life, and worst of all — You can’t be with the person you believe you truly belong with.
People in complicated relationships are stuck. Mostly because of their emotional habits. Like how we all have a morning routine that we have learned and practise every single day of our life, emotional habits develop when we are around people.
For example, I love both my parents equally, but the way I react and respond to my mom is different than my dad. Even in romantic relationships, the way we feel and think about certain people, the happiness or pain they cause, make us form emotional habits.
When we’re in love, just thinking about the person makes us feel happy and warm inside. If the person is no longer in our life, we try and recreate those moments in our minds to make ourselves feel better again. Over time, we are so used to those memories that we almost forget what the actual person was like. We refuse to accept changes life brings about and that just makes it difficult for everyone.
In some instances, when we still can’t have that person back in our life, we try and find a new person who we can channel those habits towards. Rather than forming new habits we stick to the old ones. Slowly we realise that the new person can’t fit with our needs and we miss the old person. Eventually, when no one in the relationship actually verbalizes what they feel, but rather just adjusts, it gets complicated.
Another reason why I feel relationships become complicated is because people of late have become very anxious beings. We are anxious about missing out, losing, being rejected or simply not progressing.
There’s so much pressure to be with someone be it if you are 16 or 30. Being in a relationship is like an exclusive club that everyone wants to be a part of. It really doesn’t matter today who you are with, you just have to be a couple to enjoy the benefits. And this anxiety to find the right guy or girl, often leads us to knock on way too many wrong doors till we find our door. Each time a relationship fails, we wonder if there’s something wrong with us.
Un-complicating takes time
As much as I want to be a cheerleader for complicated relationships, I have to admit — they never benefit anyone. Relationships, meaningful or not, need to be beneficial for the people involved. It could be material gains, a sense of security, personal growth, the need for offsprings, etc. Whatever the reason may be, they all boil down to one brash reality — What do we get after all this?
And that’s why I think it’s time to simplify the complexities. Obviously, it’s easier said than done, but we’ve all gotta start somewhere, right?
- Start with a clean slate. Emotional baggage is something we all carry. It’s difficult to unload or get rid off. But the most we can do is we clean up our lives before involving anyone else. It’s unfair to them and to you to hold on to a past when you could be living a better now.
- Know what you want. The world might say ‘tall, dark and handsome’ or ‘sapiosexual’. But only you know you. So make sure the top 5 priorities are set right.
- The heart isn’t logical and the brain isn’t emotional. The only thing that might know a little of both is your gut. Even if not 100%, listen to your gut feeling sometimes. Maybe if that person does make you feel special it is worth pursuing, and maybe if you feel deep down the chances of ending up together are slim then move on.
Finally, maybe it’s time we left social media out of the equation. Too much advice from too many sources has never benefited anyone. So updating a status should be the last thing to be worried about.
Life’s always going to be throwing curveballs at us. But the lesson to be learned is not to stay away from love or dating. On the contrary, we eventually learn to become a better person by working on ourselves consistently. Maybe there are too many wrong decisions we make, but when the right one walks in, they’d stay.
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