My 30 year old guy friend recently messaged me on Facebook congratulating me for my marriage. I laughed a bit in my head — it’s kinda weird to be congratulated a year and a half after the wedding. He apologised and told me he’s been off social media after his breakup and was detoxing his life. Anyway, it was great catching up with someone I’d last met when I was single. It gives a lot of perspective. He was looking for someone to settle down with, but failed to meet someone who fit the bill and loved him back.
“You girls are so lucky!”, he said after he heard the story of how I met my husband. “You manage to find someone much easily in comparison to men”. He suddenly became the advocate for all the men who have been hurt and rejected and deserved to be appreciated and acknowledged. I assumed that since I’m a woman and his friend, I was involuntarily the representative of all the women he’s known and it’s nothing personal.
He argued that men have to go through all the trouble of finding someone interesting, wooing her, keeping her happy with gifts, date nights and long talks, only to be rejected over some other poor chap. It was also interesting to note that he blamed women and victimised men. Ha! I bet he didn’t realise that I’m not just a woman and his friend, but also a psychologist who can never stop analysing anything. Of course, he didn’t need to know that. I decided that maybe all he needed was to be heard and so I just listened for a while. He’s been rejected at least four times in his life by women he liked. My score (according to him) was zero.
“We bear the brunt of all the expectations you women have and it is actually unfair. Where’s your feminism now?” he asked.
Okay, hold on!
I understand that for a decent looking, intelligent and well settled 30 year old, being single can be quite frustrating. These are probably the few good men who actually take the effort to understand a woman’s psyche and really try to understand what a woman wants. But I can’t tell him that it’s his luck to blame or he’s been looking at the wrong people. But using the word ‘feminism’, took it a step too far. Why does everything related to women also co-relate to feminism? So I asked him a simple question all married folks ask their single friends.
“So what would an ideal woman/wife be like?”
“Well I’m sure there isn’t one ideal woman. I just hope she’s kind, understanding, mature and from a decent family. I wouldn’t mind if she’s good looking not that looks is what I am going for. She needs to love my family like her own and manage our home. She can work and follow her dreams as long as she doesn’t forget about me!”
Isn’t that just perfect (and convenient)! For all the ruckus about women’s expectations being too high, you just raised the bar so high that only Victoria Beckham can fill those shoes. I agree that it is hard for men to a certain extent, but dear men, your expectations pretty much make us question if we are going to ever be good enough.
It is studied that men are more attracted to women who are young and beautiful with bodily symmetry. Desirability towards women peaks in the late 20’s for men and declines only after they cross the age of 36. But that’s not the case with women. We don’t see everyone slightly pleasing to the eye as potential date material. For women, finding the right person is like finding a needle in the haystack (no offense). Here’s another thing that most men fail to understand. The women you do pay attention to are usually the ones who are already getting all the attention in the world and have no difficulty in finding a date. The rest of us have to take the effort to stand out (emphasis on effort!) and it isn’t easy to grab men’s attention especially if they believe beauty is what meets the eye.
Oh yes, maybe we haven’t been downright rejected many times. But how many times have you felt threatened or have been subjected to inappropriate questions, comments or requests or had an absolute stranger (or someone you trusted) feel you up when you least expected it? Can’t blame us for being picky and cautious, it’s a result of few bad people.
I completely agree that the pressure of being a gentleman, asking her out, paying the bill, proposing, etc is put on you. Let’s keep our fingers crossed and hope “my feminism” balances that scale.
So yes, going back to the earlier remark about women being lucky, I’d say that it isn’t easy for us either. We have our shares of bad experiences and not all of us have a happily ever after. We aren’t too different when it comes to love.
Of course, I can’t tell my friend all this, because like I said I know it isn’t easy being the only 30 year old in your entire family and friends circle. It reaches a point where one questions everything about themselves and that is quite a dangerous path to trek. So I told him I have few hacks that might help him.
“It’s harsh to be rejected especially when a lot of effort is taken to gather the nerve to ask a woman. Being a woman I appreciate those efforts you’ve taken”, I began. I sensed he wasn’t looking for anything preachy, but I continued anyways.
Here’s what I know about women. The simple things make the difference. Women like it when men take that extra effort and try to impress them. Maybe it’s something as simple as getting a haircut, or taking the effort to wear something that otherwise would never be your first priority. Listen and give her all the attention when she talks. Be hers and only hers. Compliment her and treat her like an independent entity. Celebrate her joys and victories. Being nervous to ask her out or talk to her is normal. Women are humans too and we know what it is like when our mouth goes dry, palms get sweaty, when we forget what to say and the heart thumps so loud that we can’t hear our thoughts. But guess what, if you’ve genuinely made her laugh, you’ve already got her attention. It’s okay to be honest even if it means that it’s going to crush her reality. That way she’d know she can trust your opinion and you wouldn’t lie for the sake of it. Most importantly, make her feel that she is the only one in the big wide world who would make your life complete. Obviously all the above is advised in moderation.
And don’t try too hard. When the right woman walks in everything will perfectly follow.
Too sappy?
Well, I didn’t say the hacks were easy, did I?
