The Cycle of Failed Relationships
Nobody starts a relationship thinking, “It’s ok even if it doesn’t last for ever”. We always hope for the best and yet time and again, sooner or later, we find ourselves at a junction where we get confused as to why we even liked the person in the first place or how did it all become so bitter? Failures keep piling up and we keep our sanity by finding excuses or reasons in others, to justify those failures. But for once shouldn’t we question ourselves — why so many?
It’s always easier to blame the other person in a relationship because frankly speaking we are all good at pointing fingers especially when we are frustrated and tired of going through the whole cycle of finding someone, falling in love, creating a life together and then eventually reaching a point where everything falls apart. But even after several sincere attempts, if we are unable to preserve what we love then an obvious answer is to change our own ways. Like Einstein said, “Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result is the very definition of insanity”.
One of the prime reasons for any unsuccessful relationship could start with the person we choose, which no one else but we are responsible for.
There could be multiple social and personal biases at play that lead us to that choice. These biases might even work for some but a lot of times they lead to wrong choices which percolate into bad relationships.
Social Biases
No need to fit in
Depending on where we are born, what kind of a family we were brought up in and most importantly what or who influenced our lives the most, our choice of a partner might vary. There are all sorts of cliches out there like opposites attract, love at first sight, distance makes hearts grow fonder. With only a few exceptions, we all try to fit our relationships into one of these social cliches instead of trying to understand the combined value system that the two people create in a relationship. We sometimes tend to ignore the actual beliefs, thoughts and/or lifestyle of a person while making a choice just because the relationship seems to fit one of the cliches.
Power couples don’t always work well
Both the men and women in our generation have high career goals. It is often seen that as we grow in hierarchy at work we start expecting equal or more professional achievements from the partner we choose. Professional triumphs tend to supersede the emotional value brought into our lives by the one we love. This again is an outward projection to the society of how we want to be perceived as a couple and seldomly has anything to do with the love and respect felt between the two people involved.
The concept of perfect love driven by the society
A lot of us understand love or romance through movies. Our first exposure to those mushy, romantic words comes from the mouth of our favourite actors. The rosy picture portrayed by this fictional world creates an illusion of perfect love in our minds and our expectations are hiked by these illusions. Movies show us perfect couples or a love so grandeur that it defies every law of the land and of human emotions or capabilities of super humans to fight for love. Reality, my friends, is far away from all of this. Love is never perfect. It’s a combination of imperfect emotions from two people for each other. So, it is definitely a path of doom we have taken if any of us are expecting our partners to either look like them or behave in the same manner.
Personal Biases
People are not trophies
Physical attraction or outer appearance is one of the key factors for a lot of people when they make a choice for a partner. That is OK, however, it can’t be the only thing the relationship can be based on. Trophy partners are mostly a social symbol and expecting any kind of emotional fulfilment out of such a relationship can lead to disappointment. A lot of times, more than average looks can create an illusion of superiotity. Subconsciously, we choose our companions based on the way we are treated in our social circles. If we are treated like the queen bee or the alpha male by most of the people around us, it almost becomes a prerequisite while making a choice of a partner too.
Fear is not good for Love
Fear of loneliness, of missing out on certain aspects of life or just old age can influence our choices negatively. We might just settle for the first person we meet without even evaluating our own emotions for that person or whether or not his personality and thought process matches ours. This fear is instilled in us by various factors but the pressure of finding someone ‘before the good ones are all taken’ is mostly created by our loved ones, unintentionally. Love is important, however what is more important for a long lasting relationship is the basic understanding and respect for each other which can’t be based on fear.
Your partner is not a project
Consciously or subconsciously we are all aware of our own flaws. Some of us tend to choose someone who needs a ‘fixing’. This might come out as a little harsh but instead of fixing our own flaws we look for things in others that we can fix so that we can feel superior. Instead of healing ourselves from previous wounds or getting rid of our baggage we lend too much of a helping hand to the other person which might cause the relationship to become just about the past.
All of these don’t apply to all and not necessarily will definitely apply to some but these are common factors that might cause bad choices. Human psychology and behaviour can never be put in categories. Each mind works differently and its outer expressions varies too, however, the only way to break the curse of a failed pattern is to try something different. There are no guaranteed methods to successful relationships but understanding our own patterns and behaviour can help us in finding the right person beyond our prejudices.
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