The Truth About Lying In Relationships
A friend of mine once asked me, “but he didn’t really cheat on you, did he?” just because the boy held another girl’s hand and nothing more.
How do we define cheating? What are the parameters that encompass cheating? Is it when someone sitting opposite to you, looks over your shoulder to notice someone else or when they are secretly wishing that they were looking at a different face than yours? Is it when they stop remembering important parts of your life or when you become the last person to get to know important events of their lives? Is it cheating only when they spend a drunken night with another person of the opposite gender or when they start meeting someone else regularly, behind your back? Where does it all start?
Thoughts — that’s where it starts
Every relationship is unique but there are certain things that come naturally to people in a relationship. Remembering small details of how the person looked like in that first moment. Thinking about how it seems like yesterday even though it’s been a year of togetherness. These thoughts can’t be forced into someone. Like the feeling of being in love creates these thoughts in people’s minds, in the same way, these thoughts fade away when they are falling out of love. That said, merely forgetting one’s birthday doesn’t reflect disinterest but not making an effort to be there or making excuses could reflect loss of emotions. That is usually where the start lies.
Out of mind, out of life
If you are not in someone’s mind and if your thoughts are not there, at least at the back of his/her mind, then that person is pretty much standing in front of the EXIT sign. An exit to find someone else to talk to or spend their spare time with or just to lament over the fact that they are in ‘exit mode’. Certain people continue a relationship irrespective of whether they are in love or not. Sometimes, the signs are more subtle — going through social media profiles of old flames or liking old posts of a certain person to rekindle a lost connection could be a few examples. Usually these are overlooked as harmless distractions but believe me, micro-cheating is not as micro as it seems and is the onset of a larger problem.
Cushioning
Cushioning in a relationship, is not really about comfort. Instead of trying to invest time and effort into the existing relationship a lot of people start non-committal relationships elsewhere with multiple partners. They create multiple cushions for themselves in anticipation of trouble in an existing relationship. This definitely is considered as cheating. “I am just meeting new and interesting people to bring in some fresh conversations, I am not looking for love elsewhere” — I had heard someone say that when caught on a date. There is nothing called “harmless flirting” when it’s deliberate.
Waiting for the end credits? Not wise
It’s not a movie, the end is not a point of completion. We justify every bit of unloving behaviour from our partner to keep the crumbling relationship alive, hoping that it will revive. We notice and yet overlook the whispered phone calls, the smiles while reading texts, the slight tilt of the phone screen away from our sight, the fading interest in ritualistic restaurant visits and of course the classic “there is a lot of pressure on me right now, I might not be as available as I was earlier”.
And after all that, comes the bombshell of all excuses — a confession. A confession about the biggest living nightmare. The confession about how your partner has found someone else or has fallen in love with someone else. Or the confession about a meaningless night spent with a stranger. That’s the end we all wait for. If you don’t wait for that and take right steps to avoid it all then others might ask you the same question I was once asked, “but he didn’t really cheat on you, did he?”
Only a certain kind of silence is good between two people in love. Silence that speaks volumes in terms of feelings. However, when the same silence engulfs a relationship due to lack of interest or opportunity it can push the relationship to slow death.
Patience and persistence are two much-needed qualities for a relationship to work and reach a stable place. It requires great understanding and empathy as strong foundations for two people to build a life together. All cliches, right? But there is one thing that is equally important, if not more — talking. If you think your partner is cheating on you, even though, you can’t always explain it in the other person’s actions, talk about it. Keeping mum just to keep things peaceful momentarily doesn’t help. What’s the worst that could happen? Your partner might deny and put your fears to rest or his/her assurances might not allay your fears but at least it’ll be out in the open. These fears, a lot of people say, come out insecurities but more often than none these are not baseless. So try to balance it out by trusting your instincts but also using consideration in treating the one you love with patience.
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