It was the new year. Everyone was celebrating. At least, the ones I knew were. Among them was my friend who I hadn’t spoken to for 2 years. She’s the kind who I don’t have to exchange pleasantries with, or have to ever apologize to for not keeping in touch. I was sure this social butterfly would be travelling since she never spends new year at home, so I decided to give her a call.
For some strange reason by the end of the call, we always end up discussing our relationships. We do talk about a zillion other things, but the show-stopper conversation would always be about our love lives. She’s one of those who can be in and out of many relationships and be totally fine the next day. No they weren’t casual relationships, she’s just like that and for some reason or the other, the relationships never worked out like they should have.
From what she said and the way I saw it, there was never a complete version of her in those relationships. She gave only a part of her, the lovable one, and kept a whole other part of her hidden from all those relationships. After telling me about how the previous relationship also drifted off after 3 months of on-and-off dating, I finally decided to ask her, “how do you manage to keep yourself together after going through so many break-ups? Doesn’t it drain you emotionally when things don’t work out?”
“Oh, that’s simple….I’ve never really been in love. So it never took a toll on me”, she said casually, as if I should have known the answer.
“How have you never been in love despite being in about four relationships?”, I asked.
“I’m scared of falling in love, simply because I’m scared of getting hurt.
I’m sure love is amazing. Deep down I want to fall in love, to have a feeling of being complete, of being cared for, of being home. But as much as love fascinates me, it terrifies me. Imagine loving someone so much, that you feel your heart might explode, only to have them taken away from you. Its horrible to love and lose. Lose them to an illness, a person, or the worst — death. I can’t imagine being at a place where I’m standing and waiting for my love to return, hopelessly, helplessly.
And what about a love that changes? That’s also not new. People change all the time. Not just physically, but philosophically. Their ideologies, priorities and personality changes and sometimes it’s not for the best. Life’s never easy and every challenge we face changes us a bit. Then what? I’m scared that even though the love is strong, we won’t stand this test of time and eventually grow old loving our memories of each other rather than the person.
Loving is easy. To love fearlessly and to lose eventually is something no one prepares us for. And I don’t like uncertainty. Well, nobody does, but somehow we humans just brave up because we know there’s no other way around life. But falling in love is something we can control. Isn’t it?
I think we need to change the outlook of love. People claim it’s like a magnetic force and you just can’t help falling in love. I think this force works on people who are ready to take risks. I’m too scared of the risks and so I will never put myself in that situation where I have to face my worst fears. That’s what anyone with a phobia would do, right?”
There was a long pause before either one of us spoke. Yes, she did make sense but the whole theory also seemed way too flawed. Of course, I never really got to rebuttal but it got me thinking. The fear of feeling trapped, or losing your love or being rejected is so crippling, yet we spend all that energy building a wall around us, than simply ask for help. Is this why people are always on the lookout for more “choices” when it comes to dating? Maybe that’s why getting in and out of relationships have become the new normal.
She isn’t my only commitment-phobic friend. I have an entire Facebook full of them. To an extent, I was also really scared of being in a committed relationship because I was scared of losing the one I loved. And there were times I chose to put only a part of me in those relationships so that if things go down I won’t have an anchor attached to my foot. I knew exactly what my friend was talking about, just that I never felt it to the extend she did. What I didn’t realise back then was that the more detached I was in the relationship, the more barren that it got.
I’ve noticed that most people hang on to the word “commitment phobe” because it is much cooler (and less overwhelming) than actually going through with the relationship. I’ve seen people make excuses when the relationship ends- either it wasn’t the right time, the right person, the right reasons or maybe just there wasn’t anything to start with. At the end of each excuse, it all boils down to one factor, we try and avoid pain.
If we really were “phobics” we wouldn’t even be in a relationship at the first place or go looking for one as soon as the previous one is over. Something deep inside us refuses to stay alone and longs for that human connect. We all want to feel safe and not be bogged down by questions of uncertainty. Love might happen by chance. But relationships — they don’t just happen, they need to be built.
Embrace the Challenge
Love, is a risky affair and falling in love is no less than taking a trust fall. Not only do you have to let go of all your inhibitions and be comfortable in your own skin, but you must be able to trust the other person 100 percent. Commitment comes at the cost of losing pretty much everything you’ve taken an entire life to build. But what about the cost of never committing? The constant act of playing it safe, living with the anxiety that things are going to go wrong at some point and being disappointed that you couldn’t find that person with whom you could be the real you with. Rather, we could embrace love and see where it takes us. Make the relationship your reason to face your fears rather than hide behind them.
Make a Choice
Maybe we get to choose the kind of person we’d like to fall in love with. But for the rest of it, love is not about having the control, it’s about mutuality. As much as we like to have the upperhand, and be the first one to sprint at the first sign of trouble, relationships work if the people involved take equal responsibility of each other by making sure the other feels loved, safe and strong. It might seem like an effort, but the trouble will be completely worth it. That’s why love is such a motivation for many.
Find reason to Commit
There will be regret, pain, tears and feelings you’ve never wished you’d experienced before. But you will never know where the relationship is heading unless you never try. We wouldn’t have met some of our best friends had we not met them in our kindergarten. And that friendship started because of the need to be with someone. Most relationships start with a need and finding the reason that stops us from fulfilling that need will help us understand why we are holding ourselves back. Its when you really invest your complete self into the relationship does it stand a chance to become something more.
George Addair said, ‘Everything you’ve ever wanted is on the other side of fear.’ We think it’s easier to stay single or not be committed to anyone or anything. That way, maybe no one can hurt us. But nothing good comes out of staying in your comfort zone. In a way, being scared or anxious in a relationship might be a good thing. It means that the person is too important and we’d do all that we can to keep that relationship intact.
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