Taking care of ourself, feeling empowered and indestructible, and introducing the concept of marrying ourself aka sologamy have been trending for quite some time, thanks to the self-love advocates. “Date yourself first. You cannot truly love another until you know how to love yourself”, they say. Have you wondered how quickly conventional relationships have today transformed into Me-before-You? Not like the movie, but literally me before you.
Sadly, the relationships we see today have a very individualistic tinge to them. From what used to be travelling together in the same boat, today, couples desire to reach the same destination but choose to travel in their own separate boats. They don’t want to encroach each other’s space. Surprisingly, this is becoming the new normal.
Self-love is harmless in a relationship, as long as the love that you have for your partner is equal to or more than the love you gift yourself. Self-love advocates often use it as a cover to evade complexities in a relationship, yet seek the benefits of a conventional relationship.
The belief that I am enough might come from the need to uplift oneself and not let anyone, including your spouse, see you with your guard down. Because if they did, then they’d be able to hurt us, or use our vulnerabilities to their advantage. But how can we expect someone to love us if we can’t be our true self? I guess post modern love stories are written in a different ink; sacrifices and compromises aren’t what love is all about. Love has become less of a necessity and more of a convenience, less challenging and more predictable, less giving and more wanting.
Self-love was one of the first topics I was introduced to in Psychology. It helped me become aware of myself, my inhibitions, my desires and who I am deep down. And yes, it did make my weekends a lot easier. Self-love was what acted as a balance on the days I didn’t feel so good about myself and let me accept me for all that I am. Self-love also helped me understand what I wanted in life. And so when it came to a relationship, it was easy to come to the conclusion that if I’m okay, we are okay.
That’s why self-love, though incredibly useful for personal growth, shouldn’t be a determining factor when it comes to relationships.
Imagine a couple who had an argument. After an exhausting session of unpleasant exchanges and plates being hurled at each other the couple retired to their respective corners in the house. In this particular case, the matter could have been resolved if either one chose to apologise, but neither of them takes the initiative. They both conclude that apologising might mean submission and letting the other person win. And so, they decide to hold on to what they individually want, rather than what the relationship needs?
This belief that one’s own needs should be above everyone else’s could be one of the reasons why most relationships never see the daylight. Spending time to better understand who we are and what we want from a relationship is a good thing, but expecting our partner to always cater to our needs is outrageous.
What about people who display exaggerated feelings of self importance, like in the case of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Psychopathy or even people with Delusions of Grandiosity? Though such individuals are perfectly capable of being in a relationship, the real question is how sustainable would that bond be. Imagine being the one who is always the at the giving end of the relationship. To constantly having to go that extra mile to accommodate their obsessions, but never have any of that love reciprocated, at least not in the way we would want. How long before we wear ourself out?
On the other hand, if we consider those who are still struggling with their own insecurities and have never have been in a warm and understanding relationship, sometimes being in one is the only answer. They would benefit a great deal if they had one strong support system, someone who can help them heal and feel good about themselves just by sheer acceptance. Embracing someone despite their ‘flaws’, is one of the greatest gifts you can give to that relationship. We understand that we are something to someone, and we learn to see ourselves in better light and be happy in our own skin. We slowly begin to express that love, take care of it and be there for them, the way they are there for you.
That’s how most relationships should work. Irrespective of how much we can love ourselves, each one of us is still eligible to find love and be in a happy relationship. Even if the relationship brings out the side we try to hide from the world, we should continue pursuing it. Letting our guard down and letting the other know us, while accepting and understanding them is what a lifelong relationship looks like. Using the relationship as the mirror, we can put the focus on growing together.
It’s never a crime to love yourself or to give yourself that boost you need once in a while. But for a successful relationship the key is to be more Selfless and less Self-conscious. We can strive to make self-love that part of us that makes us want to give love rather than occupy the centre spot in the relationship.
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