One quarter of the millennials refuse to get married. That’s a fact!
I got married a year back. I never thought I would, but it happened. I was happily single but when true love unexpectedly paid a visit, I obliged. Soon enough I was kicked out of the singles club and other married couples became my hangout buddies. Mothers and Aunties adopted me into their circle and I got in on all their secret conversations. Being on the other side actually gave me an insider’s look as to what married people actually think of single individuals. I could share a simile to describe this better: Think of somebody who toppled their ice-cream cone. There’s that moment of pity, before you move on with life. But every time you think of that all you feel is more Sympathy.
If you are a 30+ single man or woman, with a decent job and average looks, and from a family that suddenly thinks you being unmarried is what is wrong with humanity, then my heart goes out for you. I am sorry you have to go through all that unnecessary bickering by aunties and the salting of your once personal insecurities. But that’s India for you! From your education, be it from Harvard, Oxford or a shady Bubbly Institute; or if you are earning three, five or a six figure salary- you will be judged from head to foot based on everything from your looks, to the perfume you wear, to the grocery store you visit. EVERYTHING is scrutinised. As diverse as our country is, this one experience is universally seen in almost all Indian families.
How does it all begin?
- It all starts when a neighbour or distantly related Aunt notices you at a wedding, social gathering or in some cases when you look your absolute worst, like when you are just back from the gym looking like an old rag cloth. She quickly prepares a mental checklist- age|check, looks|meh! but anyways check, job|check, parents’ social status|check. Once we’ve met her expectations our parents are approached with anguish and anxiety- Why is your child still not married? Do you want me to look around? Wait, do you think they have someone in their life…
- Yes, the seed of doubt is successfully planted in our till-then-unaware-and-ignorant parents. Not all parents are ignorant, some of them start getting palpitations as soon as the child starts taking adult responsibilities- like making maggi, washing and/or folding their clothes, things like that. Once this viral anxiety hits our parents and they start worrying about us, the questions start pouring in. Are you seeing someone? Do you not find anyone interesting? Is everything alright? I’ve made a profile for you on 123jodimaker.com. Will I ever get to see the face of my grand daughter?
- Soon your profile goes up on random matrimonial sites. Your parents ask you to click good pictures in all angles with you being your true self but not too honest. Ethnic wear is preferred and the face is edited to make it spotless. Your parents also ask your close friends to “advise” you to change old ways and become more of a marriage material.
- You think your friends might be a solace but they too break your trust when they ask -You STILL don’t have a boyfriend/girlfriend? Some choose the most randomest of the picture to comment “Wow, what a picture. Put it on shaddi.org” . Just when you try to ignore the comment, your mom and dad ‘like’ it.
- And then when you are at your lowest low, depressed and angry at the world, Facebook manipulates its feed to show you pictures of all your “happily married” friends and cousins. Some have kids now and you are sitting there in your torn t-shirt eating out of the pan. Now even your own conscience questions you- What’s wrong with me? Am I meant to be alone, or are my standards just too high?
- As time passes the number of pointing fingers, the whispers, the stares and the disappointed looks increase. Conversations start taking a tone of emotional blackmail. It is hard to fight back, especially when your own biology is working against you. The mood swings, the grey hair, the bald spots or the receding hairline, the aches and pains,the lines on your face when you smile, and let’s not forget our eggs women! It must make you feel terrible — while there is a big bright finger that points us to marriage, you stand at the crossroad. Waiting.
- Succumbing to the pressure of the world you decide to say yes to your parent’s wishes. The proposals start pouring in. From the mama’s boys to the wakhra swaggers, from the beauty in the ghoonghat to the selfie queen — you see them all. You question your own self image and decide it’s better you die alone.
- The few who are convinced that their parents probably know best take the plunge and simply rush into a marriage without giving it much thought. The end result is usually a divorce or separation that reinforces their earlier belief that marriages might just be fake. Not to forget the hundreds of other friends they convince along the way.
I understand why nobody wants to get married anymore!! Don’t just blame our generation, is what I have to say to our parents. The last time I overheard parents discuss a prospect for their daughter, it sounded similar to buying cattle or poultry. How old is he? Isn’t he too dark? He’s not very good looking, looks very old! What about his family, are they good enough? I would have seriously misunderstood if I had overheard them without any context. There are many more hilarious questions parents ask:
-How much does he earn excluding taxes?
-What is this beard he has? Makes him look like a thug!
-Does she have any modern habits? We are open minded people, but she should only drink with family.
-Does he/she plan to go abroad? We can’t stay away from our son/daughter so we need to go wherever they go.
-How much do you love your daughter? We don’t take any dowry. Whatever you give your daughter, with love, we will accept.
Oh and the most hilarious of the lot — Is he a Modi bhakt? No? Ok sorry, we can’t go ahead with this!
After all this, they expect us not to have high standards and be less picky when it comes to choosing a life partner. Well, they started it! They can’t blame us for being obsessed with short relationships and living a non-committed life. Who would want to get into this mess of being paraded around in front of hundreds of people who judge you based on your looks solely, only to be rejected for some outrageous reason?! Maybe we can’t commit to anyone because we know the ones we like won’t be the ones we can take home to our parents and so we are in this constant battle between our ideal spouse and what the heart wants.
Marriage seems like a huge responsibility or a Pandora’s box. Compatibility is the key factor to a lasting relationship and we rarely find anyone who loves us, our parents, relatives, friends, dog, neighbour, maid, the society postman and someone who everyone else accepts. Most people see marriage as an auto ride with a person they might not like. Or rather a bus filled with their family and yours, without an option to get out.
Overwhelming right? See, That’s why we hate marriages. It seems easy to stay single and have all the fun. Why should we be tied down, you ask.
Marriage isn’t what’s wrong, it’s the way it’s been portrayed in our country. Marriage isn’t ugly and overbearing and exhausting. On the contrary it’s the most beautiful experience if you find the right person. That’s the key — compatibility. You find the right person at the right time and you are set! Most often we end up with the wrong person or fall victim to bad timing and we blame marriage and the society for it. I’m not saying marriage will be like being on a vacation in Switzerland with the love of your life by your side with background music in the air and where only nice things happen. C’mon this isn’t a Karan Johar movie! It will be a mix, sometimes good and other times not so good. Yes, life will go on as ordinary, slow and sometimes boring as it is now. But imagine in your current life if you had one person to go back home to? Or someone who is going to hug you when you’re coughing out germs. Someone you miss so bad when they aren’t around, and the minute you see them your happiness has no bounds. Or someone you will share everything with including your popcorn? Or someone who records your snoring at night and plays it back to you the next morning? That’s marriage, like the warm sun on cold winter days.
Doesn’t seem so bad now, does it?
