“FOR YOUR SAKE?”
When is the last time you did something for someone else, keeping your own self-interest aside, purely as an act of kindness? You see only yesterday, I was watching FRIENDS (not for the first time mind you, basically re-watching it as it is one of my favorite shows) and there comes an episode where Phoebe and Joey fall out on “Is there any such thing called a truly unselfish act that we engage in”. Now those who haven’t watched the show, I am sorry, I can’t describe it in details right now (I would love to, but maybe we could keep that for another blog). But just for your reference and ease it’s from Episode 04 of Season 05. So you can just go and watch it to understand what I am talking about here. Anyway coming back to the point, when I sat down to think of it (I guess because college gives me a lot of free time to contemplate about such existential questions on life) I couldn’t really come up with an answer that very moment. I mean I am not essentially what one could call a selfish person (or at least I would like to think so), but it doesn’t really happen on a daily basis that I keep engaging in charitable acts. Interestingly when I asked people around me about it, they seemed to have an amazing clarity on whether or not they had done such a thing in their lives. That is when I realized that I actually had started thinking about this on a much deeper level, than it called for.
If we had to describe the phrase “doing something completely unselfishly for someone else” I would say the word ‘Self- Sacrifice’ comes the closest to doing the job. It sounds like a heavy term to be used, one which probably isn’t very common in today’s highly competitive world. But you would be surprised at the number of instances I could come up with, where I had seen this happening before me. From cases as trivial as sharing water with a person on an extremely hot summer day to life-changing decisions like shifting jobs to be with your family in the same city, I have seen quite a few of them. As a kid, I would never understand what triggered such actions. Was it the basic primary emotions of love, kindness, sympathy, or empathy that humanity possessed or was it more like an escape to certain deadlocks in ones’ own life? I think it’s a bit of both (you have every right to disagree with me though). When we hear the word self- sacrifice and ask ourselves when and where we have engaged in it, the first word that comes to our mind in most cases is “DEPENDS”. Now the factors that it ‘Depends’ on, are very subjective. For some it could be a person, while for others it could be the situation they are in and the list continues. And the extents to which people go at times really amuse me.
So by now, I think we have established an understanding of WHAT, WHY and WHEN does ‘Self- Sacrifice’ take place. But I think the question of WHY is a bit more complicated than it actually seems to be. Last week itself, my friend suggested this stand- up show called JIGSAW by Daniel Sloss (Oh by the way, this is another show I would really suggest all my readers out there to watch). Initially I was very skeptical about agreeing with his perspectives and opinions on life and relationships. But somewhere on a much deeper level (you could even probably call it my subconscious), I realized that I sort of did agree to it. You know Self- Sacrifice is actually a very tricky concept. It can start off as a single act of kindness, in some cases even a compromise. But as time passes, we fail to understand when it becomes more of a habit that we lose ourselves to, rather than it being random spurts of activities that we engage in. Take any relationship for that matter — parental, marital, affairs, friendships, and at times even hook-ups for that matter, there comes in an aspect of self-sacrifice in each of them, which we usually sugar-coat and call “ADJUSTMENT” to justify ourselves. Now, don’t get me wrong here. At no point of time am I saying that self-sacrifice is not the right thing to engage yourselves in. I am no one to make a moral or value judgment regarding such acts here. My point is to make sure that you differentiate between engaging in acts of ‘Self –Sacrifice’ on a quotidian basis and being ‘Exploited’ in the process. I know the comparison sounds harsh. But think about it. Let’s take an example of a relation between two friends here. Half the times, we end up giving him or her what they need, even before they ask for it. That is the level of understanding and bond that is shared between really close friends. But there always comes a point where you tire out, and just advice the friend to take decisions or maybe do something on their own, without your help. Now you may justify it saying you want the friend to take a stand for themselves instead of always depending on you, but if you be honest with yourselves I think you feel exhausted fulfilling their expectations at all times. And it is but natural. It is only human to feel a tiny bit exploited at such times. Now, when I use the term ‘Exploited’, I don’t mean to say that they are taking undue advantage of you intentionally. Half the time, this happens because of an unintentional expectation that gets built during the first few times of you having sacrificed your interest for them. And it is at such points that you start contemplating if your friend has become too needy for you to handle. The same friend, who, you used to vouch for at one particular time of your life, seems to be a major burden then. And the only reason is because you have pushed both of yourselves to a position where you can’t say a ‘NO’ without creating a tension in your relationship. Put this example in the context of every other relationship you have in your life. You will be surprised to find the number of people you actually do this for. It might make you feel annoyed initially, but it is okay. It isn’t really your fault. Like I said it is a tricky concept that takes a different shape as time flies.
So, is there a necessary solution to this? Well, I am not really sure. I too have been a part of this vicious cycle a number of times. At times, there are situations you cannot say ‘NO’ to, because it is interpreted to be extremely rude and selfish a response. At such times what people fail to understand is the concept of ‘TIME’ and ‘CHANGE’. Circumstances keep changing with time. The acts I could engage in very easily at one point of time in my life may not be so easy for me to perform after a certain age. And as bitter as it sounds, it has to be gulped in with a pinch of salt. As at the end of the day, the life that has been granted to you by your parents has to be lived by YOU. There comes a point when it is okay to say NO to them as well, because they have given you your life, but they can’t be living it for you ( mom-dad, if you are reading this, no hard feelings engaged, just a general thought I am expressing). Your decisions will directly affect your life. Yes, in many ways am sure it will affect theirs too, but so will it affect every other person who are a part of your life. Now, you may think I sound too Utopian and even fictional to an extent here. I know man is a social being and they can’t be living in an isolated environment where they only think for themselves. Trust me being a student of Sociology, I understand that. And I am not asking you to completely become an exclusive and secluded individual. But if you start taking into consideration, the convenience and emotions of every individual you are close to in your life before taking an action, am sorry mate, this life is indeed too short for you. It is important for you to make yourself understand and love yourself to an extent that you can convince yourself that certain acts in life might seem selfish but they are for your own good ( I genuinely hope you don’t take this as an encouragement to hurt people by using this justification, and if you do then you have other psychopathic issues in your life). If they really are that close to you, they eventually will understand the reasons behind your actions too.
Daniel Sloss was right when he said that life is like a jigsaw puzzle. But the only difference is that the picture that you are trying to solve keeps changing, and you need to keep shifting your pieces accordingly to keep up with the changing solutions. It is indeed good to be charitable, but only as long as you don’t lose a major chunk of that jigsaw in the process and fail to complete your jigsaw ever again.
