Ready for the tantrums?
There are few things about parenthood that make us feel more frustrated than tantrums. They lead to significant embarrassment and questioning the work that we’ve done so far and the work that has yet to come.
During a tantrum, you may feel that there’s been a rupture in the team bond between you and your child. But we assure you, your child is feeling the exact same way.
Your child is using the tantrum as her only voice to express feelings and needs that sometimes even she doesn’t understand; and you, the person that has always be there helping her on this journey, are in the same boat as she is. Both of you are having difficulties with properly expressing things to each other and getting your message through. The difference is she is looking to you for understanding and looking up to you for the answer.
Despite all of the negative feelings that come with a tantrum, this is a significant milestone for a child. They are making a massive effort in order not just to understand — but also to express — this overwhelming amount of new thoughts and feelings that they are experiencing. We also realize this is frustrating on your end, so we wanted to help by giving some tips and tricks to make this stage easier for both of you.
1. Keep a mental log
This comes with observation and analysis of the times that previous outbursts have occurred. Once you have that mental list, avoid — or when possible, reshape — the activities that triggered the conduct in the first place. For example, if you’re going grocery shopping, bring some healthy snacks with you to the supermarket to avoid the struggle with them wanting candy, or do something fun like singing or playing together while commuting in the car to help the transition from car to shopping more enjoyable for the both of you; it may turn into something you both look forward to, and in the end, may seem like less of a chore. Throughout this process, be sure to give plenty of positive attention to your child when tantrums are not present, congratulating their efforts to participate in shared positive activities (such as singing together in the car). After all, we all do better when we feel better.
2. Don’t try to stop a tantrum
Remember that this is one of your child’s current ways of communicating with you, and you don’t want that to end. When you ask your child just to stop crying without understanding the message, you are saying that you don’t want to hear it.
3. Understand the message
Here is where you put your detective hat on and search for clues to figure out what the message is. Make sure to rule out their physical needs first: is your child hungry? Sleepy? In pain? Then check for emotional triggers: what is she feeling and why?
This process can be complicated because when your child is in the middle of a tantrum, you can’t ask them directly. Just remember to take deep breaths before speaking and keep your tone of voice calm.
4. Help your child understand the problem
Once you have found the source of the problem, you will need to help your child understand it, too. You could do that by vocalizing what she may be feeling; that may look something like this: “ ‘When I can’t go and play like I want to, it makes me feel angry and sad.’ I understand that that’s probably what you’re feeling because you don’t want to leave the park.”
You can also vocalize that in the form of a question: ‘Do you feel angry or sad when you can’t keep playing because we have to leave the park?’ Look for a nod of their head or something similar that lets you know that they’ve heard you, and acknowledge their answers by giving them emotional support in the form of either words, hugs, or both.
5. Bring your child’s attention to something else
If the previous strategy didn’t work, try bringing her attention to something else, like pointing at the cute dog being walked on the sidewalk, or by giving her her favorite toy to play with.
6. Celebrate!
Don’t forget to celebrate, thank, and congratulate your child when she finally calms down! This signifies that she is finally able to understand and control the new feelings and needs that she has.
Our experiences are as unique as they are similar; as you were reading this, did any situation from your own life come to mind? Do you have other tips or tricks that work for you and your child that you’d like to share? If so, comment below!
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This article was reviewed and edited to update links, May 25, 2020.
