A Letter to Tiwa
Tiwa,
I write this in hopes that this reaches you and lifts your spirits during this period of immense amount of pain and disappointment. First and foremost, I extend love, positive energy, and light your way. I hope you are able to take care of self as self care is a necessity that many African women sparingly prioritize considering the fact that we live in societies that often overlook our needs and well being. I hope you are surrounded by loved ones who are supporting you and your decisions. I hope you truly understand how worthy you are of love, respect, faithfulness, and happiness.The lives we live as African women can be so complex, grounded in the beauty of our land, our people, and our culture but nonetheless impacted by the trials and tribulations preset on the basis of gender identity. From the time we are born, we are raised to equate womanhood/womanness with marriage and motherhood. Without the two, you are somehow incomplete, insufficient, unworthy. From the time we take our first steps and speak our first words, pre-determined timelines are placed over our heads and guide our navigation within the complex terrain that is society. If you are so privileged, bachelor’s degree by 21. Advanced degree by 24 (make sure not to be too ambitious as that may deter potential suitors). Marriage before 30. First child by the age of 30 at the latest (with hopes and prayers from family that you give birth to a boy). If you are born into the lower classes, completion of secondary school (if able and if deemed necessary) before the age of 20. Marriage and children by the age of 25 (with hopes and prayers from family that you give birth to a boy). Regardless of class, we are raised to aspire to matrimony and motherhood. Never mind the silence that took hold of our mothers, aunties, and grandmothers as they dealt with husbands who wandered from bed to bed. Never mind those women in our communities looked down upon, ostracized and the subject of rumors and criticism, when they were unable to bare children.
We are raised to be “good” girls who grow to be “good” women, asking few questions, listening to and following the directions of our parents (and later our husbands) without hesitation. We are told to judge those who are outliers, the women who don’t frequently go to church or to the mosque, the women who question the way things have been done over time, the women who dare call themselves feminists or womanists — challenging patriarchy and calling attention to the ways in which Abrahamic religions, colonization, and globalization have shaped our lives, the women who disrupt normalcy and push towards transformative ways of thinking and functioning in society. We are told to accept complementarianism, to submit. Not much is said of partnership and cooperation and collaboration.
We are told to pray when our husbands cheat, when they lie, when they emotionally and physically abuse us, when they bring home shame, disgrace, even disease to the beds that we are supposed to share in sacred matrimony. Pray and forgive, even when he continues to hurt, use, abuse, and disrespect you. We are told, directly and indirectly, to accept hurt and pain for the sake of the marriage and for the sake of the children. No matter the cost to our physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual beings, we must salvage all that we can from the broken pieces that are our marriages and continue on…at the expense of our own happiness and well being.
Tiwa, your story is painful — even more so because you aren’t the first and won’t be the last. It is a familiar story. Tiwa, your decision to leave has become the catalyst for discussing, dissecting, deconstructing, and transforming our understandings of and functioning within romantic relationships.
Tiwa, our sister that did all that was asked of her by our society, our sister that followed her timeline and pushed to check off each and every marker of womanhood…ended up living a painful lie to uphold tradition. Tiwa, our sister that prayed and pushed through infidelity, alcohol and substance abuse, emotional and verbal abuse…said no, no more. Tiwa, our sister whose matrimonial ceremonies seemed to have come straight from the mouths of storytellers, took a stand. No more.
As you said, “If you’re not happy, you can leave.” And you’ve done what so many have thought to do but for whatever reasons, or restrictions, were unable to do. Continue forward doing what is best for you and your son. Continue on your own path towards love, happiness, and joy.
With Love,
Nana
