Dude. #YouToo?
Listen. I don’t put myself out there that much when it comes to the heavy hitting wahala (google it, damn it) that pops up on us on an hourly basis on this planet of ours.
2016 Elections? Of course I voted. And I posted my one and only rant on Facebook the night b4 the elections. Deactivated said account the day after.
Libya slave trade? Intense convos with friends and family, but not one tweet or post.
Charlottesville? My TV still has stains from a thrown globule full of skim milk and Honey Bunches of Oats after some dumbass press conference or two. Donated some cash. Some meetings. But no memes or rants on any social platforms.
Africa is a country? I started a goddamn company. Ok, I kinda did put myself out there on that one.
You see, there’s not that many that are more opinionated or eloquent in expressing their opinions. After all the logic, statistics and mathematical physics during undergrad, I have no qualms laying out and unleashing a wicked argument that sparks both discourse and intense pushback. However I’ve made a conscious decision to hold back on public forums like Twitter and Facebook, because honestly I really don’t have time for nonsensical conversations with useless folks (and mumus) hiding behind a screen.
But, man. These sexual harassment and assault revelations have me shook. Women have been, and are still, going thru some serious shit (excuse the language, I couldn’t think of a better word). As in mad shit. And when I absorb the craziness that is being reported, the myriad of experiences that have been flooding out the gates, my gut reaction has been to take a serious inward look and put myself on audit.
Cue Voice of God courtesy of my Nigerian secondary school house mistress:
Have you contributed to this madness, Chidi? Have you enabled this madness, Chidi? Did you in any way conduct any of this madness, I am asking you…Chidi?
What factors did I use to do this audit? First is Power. And then Respect. Capital letters.
Let’s talk Power first. Power is intoxicating. You ever see people with Power and their swagger? When I say Power, I don’t just mean heads of state or captains of industry. I am talking anyone who has Power over others. A pastor at his church. A chief chef in her kitchen. The athlete carving up his opponents on the court. Match this Power with a massive ego, and there’s hell to pay. Many of these folks don’t take no for an answer, and when folks think “no” is a fluid concept in business, politics or sports, that fluidity permeates how people who come into their paths are viewed and treated. But Power is not enough in my humble opinion to enable abusers, because clearly there are many who have Power and don’t wield it as a weapon to sexually harass or assault women they come in contact with.
Which leads me to Respect.
You can tell that every single person who has been credibly tagged as an accused in this #MeToo movement has a fundamental flaw in their Respect gene. Think about it. The likelihood that you have Respect as a prominent part of your EQ profile, and you end up causing sexual harm to a woman via words, insinuation or action is very small. Look, I was prolific in my dating years, and rejection was a given. How I handled that rejection was critical. For me Respect was to stop calling when it was clear my calls were no longer wanted. Respect was looking for and interpreting cues (and adjusting when my interpretations were wrong) that guided me accordingly in my interactions. At work, Respect is keeping eye contact with my co-workers during conversations. Respect is giving appropriate compliments and only to colleagues who are familiar/comfortable with me (“those shoes are fire!”, “you look and sound great”) not full blown physical assessments. Respect is shaking hands with co-workers, and only hugging those who have given me clear, and present, permission. Respect is knowing your boundaries, and understanding your colleagues’ boundaries too. Respect is no innuendo. None.
Respect is knowing when to call others out. Sometimes aggressively. Sometimes not. But call them out. You have no idea the impact of a simple but firm hand on the shoulder — “Dude.” — can have when someone is acting up.
Don’t just stand there.
Put Power and a lack of Respect together…man. It is ugly when it manifests itself. I have never felt like I needed to wield Power over anyone that I worked with, or that worked for me. Not on an intellectual level. Or because of my title. Or my pedigree. Or my financial status (definitely not now, broke ass entrepreneur). And I have a healthy respect for the concept of Respect. Sexual harassment is not an option.
I recall one of the many conferences I attended with a former company, and we rolled about thirty deep to this event. The dynamic was intense — lots of work and deals done during the day. Of course in the evening, it was time to loosen up, get that dinner time with the team and our business partners. And you know what happens when the corporate Amex is locked and loaded, especially if weaponized by a senior level exec with a nine figure operating budget. Lots of food, and a whole lot more a-a-a-alchohol. As the night continued, the language got coarser, laughs got louder. We were having a good time. However, there was this one exec, she outranked the heck out of me, but we were cool as we had gotten to know each other quite well as colleagues. She had this off vibe about her. Something was just not right.
See, I don’t drink. Nothing religious. Nothing health wise. I just don’t. Tasted some beer when I was young and almost sued the brewer for violating my taste buds. I hated it. Same with the hard stuff. And it stuck. This quality pegged me as the watch guard and designated driver back in my hell raising days with friends. Served me real well during those wild nights at b-school. But more importantly, it is a core piece of my dogged dedication to being fully aware, as in 360 degrees aware, not letting anything get past me. I know, I am the guy that must sit with his back to the wall. And so I observed my friend at this dinner. A jovial and crack-smart operator, she could easily negotiate a bro-date night b/w Trump and Kim Jung-un. I stepped up to her, and asked how things were going.
“Fine. I am fine, Chidi. Long day, just tired.”
“Busy day. When are you leaving for the <brand redacted> party?” This was the big ticket at this event, and I recalled she was the one who got everyone on the squad in to the shindig.
“Not sure.” As she said that, one of our partners walked up. A take no prisoners guy, a biz wiz who commanded an army at his company, and highly respected, the one who paid for the dinner.
“Chidi! How goes it? You coming with us tonight?” He wrapped his arms around my colleague’s shoulders and brought her in for a huge side-hug squeeze. She clearly was not down for it. And quickly separated from the dude. My spidey senses lit up.
“I’ll be there.” I said. However, my eyes were trained on my co-worker’s face. We bantered for a bit. She put in maybe three words.
After he stepped, my colleague said to me, “Listen, I probably will not attend the party tonight. I am just too tired, and am going back to my room. Have fun, let me know how the party goes.” I said ok, and she headed out. I didn’t offer to walk her out, and she didn’t ask. She’s a badass, and can handle herself. But being me, I did watch her until she left the room.
The party was a killer, and also revelatory. This guy, the kickass biz wiz, was hell bent on taking someone back to his hotel room that night. As in big time committed.
“Dude.”
But that’s when I figured that he probably had said something to my colleague. Confirmation was when she abruptly moved from that biz partner account about a month later. Those of you who know me, know that I can get right in your business…as I ended up asking her about that night during a coffee break some time later in the year.
She was blunt with me. He had propositioned her during dinner. They were talking business, informally cleaning up some deal points, and he said they should have drinks over it later that night. Just the two of them. Both of them are married. Don’t need Ace Ventura Pet Detective to tell you what that meant.
I know celebrities are driving this #MeToo conversation today. But this is more pervasive away from the spotlight. And that is where and why we must stand up for our sisters (and our brothers…here’s looking at you, Kaiser Soze) when we see that stuff happening.
Don’t just stand there.
