The Pursuit of Unhappy-ness
The commercialization of happiness has made us believe that happiness comes from the acquisition of things, achievement and status. When you are “this” you’ll be happy, when you hit “that” pinnacle of success, when you find love, when you get married, when you have a child, when you have a certain amount of dollars in the bank; and of course to achieve it, you need product x and y to get you closer to top of the happiness ladder. Yet, no matter how far you go, how much you achieve, how much you earn, what step you tick off the list, we tend to spend our lives still seeking the most elusive commodity in the world.
Happiness has come to be defined by what we lack, rather than what we have.
It’s sort of like your first kiss. We build it up with castles, fairies, bursts of lights and showers of stars, but more often than not, it is disappointing, sloppy and not at all what we expected. Each pinnacle we set as our yardstick of happiness in life, is a new first kiss. When we get there, the feeling we get is not the feeling we expected.
We live in a constant state of ingratitude: wanting more, finding our lives lacking, never stopping to appreciate where we currently are, but only focused on where we are not, using the yardstick of where other people seem to be. The formula for being happy seems to be one in which we are in a constant state of active unrest. It is odd to imagine that anyone plans to be unhappy, even more so that anyone enjoys wallowing in their unhappiness, but the fact is, most people are unknowingly engaged in the pursuit of unhappiness.
How happy are we really willing to be?
As a woman, naturally there are things I both love and despise about my body, yet every time I look at an old photo or a time when I was skinnier/ fitter/ curvier, I always think “what was I complaining about, I looked great”, but in that moment, I probably thought my body was the worst it ever looked. Instead of loving and appreciating myself then, even while striving for better, I filled my mind with self loathing and a lack of appreciation for where I was in that moment.
Whether we accept it or not, unhappiness is a comfort zone. A time when we get to wallow in self-pity, complain and moan about our lives, think the chips are stacked up against us, and conclude that everyone is better off than we are. When we are unhappy, we hold everyone and everything but ourselves responsible, because we expect happiness to come from everything around us which we seem to be unable to control, being perfectly aligned. Even when we hold ourselves responsible, it is because we are beating ourselves up about not measuring up to some certain standard or milestone.We are afraid to live in our happiness because we think that it means we must stop, or accept what we have as enough. We never stop, because we always believe there is more, but with that mentality, no matter what you have, you will NEVER have enough. Truth be told, it is much easier to feel like everyone else, than to stand on our own, and much easier to complain than to do anything about it.
In life, nobody is going to encourage you to be happy. Even if you tried to feel content, at every turn the message you are receiving is that you be more, do more and have more. In essence, anything that is created for commercial purposes is promising you a happier life than before. Be it on tv, in a magazine, on the shelves of your favorite store, inside of a book, at a speaking conference; everyone is selling a dream. The ultimate dream, of self realization and fulfillment.
But, maybe learning to be happy is to know that even though we are conditioned to desire more, we can take a moment to pat ourselves on the back at how far we have come.
Maybe it is in the understanding that we will never be “happy” in the sense of what happiness has come to mean. We can’t have it all. If happiness was tied to realizing our dreams or amassing the most wealth or being the most talented or most beautiful, we wont have so many tragic tales of suicide and manic depression from some of the most famous, richest and talented icons from our past.
Maybe we need to know that everyone is just as “unhappy” as we are, as dire as it sounds. Yes, even that guy who just got an awesome promotion, the person you read about in that article who started her business in her kitchen sink and is now worth $100 million dollars, the girl on Instagram sharing her awesomely perfect life, amazing body and the flawless face, your friend who just married the guy of her dreams, that person who has never had to work for their money a day in their lives, the person who is always on an amazing vacation and has the best wardrobe; We all have our unresolved issues and insecurities relative to our own lives.
Maybe “happiness” is when we stop viewing “unhappiness” as abnormal.
It seems that not only must we tap into gratitude to find our happiness, we must also take action to protect it. We must actively remind ourselves to be happy (I do this by keeping a gratitude journal: Every day, I write down 3 things that I am grateful for; I often find that the list expands beyond 3. It is a small way for me to keep track of the good things, and not be sidetracked by the bad). We must try to pinpoint the real source of our unhappiness, often we find that it is within, and be courageous enough to make the changes necessary. We must consciously complain less, and not hold others responsible. We must focus wholly on ourselves and not measure against anyone’s standard, or milestones. We do not know what they had to do to get where they are today.
According to Bhuddist teachings, equanimity, or peace of mind, can only be achieved by detaching oneself from the cycle of craving. Let us challenge ourselves to break our cycles of craving, and instead focus on having a healthy mind and a healthy view of our lives. There is nothing wrong with being happy even though your life isn’t perfect, or everything isn’t going as planned. But it means you trust yourself to take it one day at a time, and we know that we won’t have to ever look back and think:
“Damn I should have been happy then.”
