Tick tock: the pressure of marriage for the African single woman
You knew it was coming.
The fact that it had not happened for weeks till this moment in time was in itself, strange.
You have now been meandering through the market after a very long hour of searching for ripe bananas, currently out of season, that your pregnant sister told you she’s craving. The ones you were even able to find are nothing to write home about, to say the least, but that was all you could find. The make-up you managed to quickly put on your face before you ran out of the house is melting off. You are just about to stop a taxi to return home when you hear ‘that’ voice. The voice of your mother’s best friend’s cousin’s aunty…. the one who always corners you for ‘that’ talk.
Now you have two choices:
- Cross the road at the speed of light and pretend like you did not hear her, and face the wrath of your mother later when she reprimands you for being rude to your aunty in the market, OR
- Just turn around and bear it one more time. Surely it cannot be worse than it’s ever been in the past.
‘Ehennnnn….I knew it was you’ she says.
‘Good afternoon aunty’ you greet her, the sweetest smile you can muster, which isn’t very much. So after 15 minutes of idle chit-chat, she brings ‘it’ up again.
‘So you know Sarah is getting married next month ehn…….won’t you join her soon?’
‘Ha ha ha….well…aunty you know I….’ you volunteer, while simultaneously having thoughts that sound more like ‘Father Lord please get me out of this place now and take me home’.
She continues, ‘hmmmmm ….but, you are so beautiful. Ehn….look at you, you’re smart, you’re just beautiful…. you mean to tell me there is no man…’ she asks, while giving you her famous side eye.
‘Hmmmm aunty you know……it will happen in God’s time, you know I….’ you try again, while she swiftly interrupts you.
‘Ah ah… but what about that handsome young man I saw in that picture with you? Where is he now?’
Sigh. You are not about to start telling her that you and that ‘handsome young man’ have been broken up for the past six months. In fact, you have been single for quite some time now.
‘Hmmm all you these young girls….you need to be very prayerful oh….’ she says, while pulling down on her ear…. ‘you need to be very prayerful…who knows, maybe now many of them are coming, they want to propose, but you, you are making list in your mind..… Long list of what you want… My dear, that’s not how to do oh! You these women nowadays, don’t be deceived! Your small body is deceiving you! You think you’re still looking young, but how old are you now? You’re nearly 30…. You’re getting old! Your mates are all married, many of them with at least three children. If you don’t marry now, who will take care of mummy and daddy in their old age? Don’t you think they want to hold their grandchildren? Let me tell you one secret… You can bring joy to your parent’s heart when you marry….if you want I can find one for you….my friend’s son, he’s a handsome doctor in America…..’
And on and on she goes. It’s the same ol’ same ol’. Your mind wanders to different things as she talks, jumping from defending yourself due to all your professional achievements, to depositing responsibility for the production of grandchildren to your sister. That very same pregnant sister for whom you are in the market right now, standing under the hot sun, listening to this aunty speak. Another fifteen minutes later, aunty ends her speech with ‘mmm hmmm’ and waits. Oh yes, there is just one more thing expected from you at this point in time….
‘Thank you aunty’ you mumble.
‘Mmmm hmmm’ she replies, ‘let me be rushing back home now’.
This scene has been repeating itself like a broken record. You really should be used to it by now. So why does it still bug you every time this happens?
Does the skit above sound familiar in any way to you or anyone you know?
There will most likely be someone in your circle who has a similar story to tell, especially if you are from, or were raised in an African household. This is because we Africans place such an emphasis on the importance of marriage in ones destiny.
Now before you label me an un-married hater, please hear me out:
I sincerely love the institution of marriage, I would love to be married someday, I love what marriage stands for, I love weddings, in fact I can assure you that in another dimension I am a wedding planner.
It has been very interesting for me as an African woman to hear, observe and experience different perspectives of marital expectations placed on those of us who are unmarried (whether still single, or just getting ready for marriage) by the ‘older generation’ and by our married peers. Some single ladies refrain from openly discussing their concerns, reservations and general ideas about marriage with their married counterparts for fear of being labeled ‘jealous’, ‘desperate’, or for other reasons. Meanwhile some married women refrain from discussing married life with their single friends for fear of sounding patronizing.
Ladies, let us talk about this!
The topic of marriage nearly needs to be handled as an egg in some settings. I once attended a conference in the past where a married woman was urging us single ladies not to ‘abandon’ our married friends, but rather to view their marriage as an added layer to the person they are.
On the other hand I have had more than three un-married friends complain that they have often been deliberately cut out of social gatherings just because they were now ‘the single friend’. Some have been told indirectly that having them at these gatherings would be awkward.
In my perspective, whatever the case may be the easiest way to maintain a healthy dynamic in a friendship where one friend is married and the other not, is to maintain the mutual respect and love for each other, whilst extending respect (at least) to the new spouse. I have some married friends whom in my judgement, our friendship seems to have evolved to a deeper level, and stronger love than when we were younger.
Perhaps the greater issue here is that expectation of our society for women to be married at a certain age. There nearly seems to be a stigma placed upon ‘older’ women who have never married. There are always stories going around about ‘what that lady did wrong’ that landed her in spinsterhood.
Never does anyone seem to consider that for some perhaps, spinsterhood may have been a choice made at some point in their lives.
As Africans marriage is very important to us not just for the normal institution it is, but also for the fulfillment of a certain status! In our society, one day you may be walking on air happy with the career you have and moving along just fine. But due to the subliminal pressures you have been receiving, the next day you may very well wake up with a sense of marital urgency on your mind. Not just the girly kind we see in the movies. What I am talking about is full-blown paranoia!
This paranoia starts telling you to find a man to ‘put a ring on it’ before all your ‘eggs are old and fried’. And no doubt, when taking biology into consideration it is advisable to have children between certain age brackets. However, when finding a lifelong mate in the 21st century, there are so many levels of compatibility to consider.
No, I am in no way anti-marriage. I feel the need to categorically state this again, lest I receive a lot of ‘side-eyeing’ and pursed lips after this article gets published.
In fact, I have dreamed of the whole white wedding, bouquet tossing and all that jazz. However I really hope that I will not spend every waking hour till that day comes holding my breath, looking upon every nice man I meet as a potential husband.
Most aunties who give the type of advice outlined above will probably just want to see you happy, and in their book, marriage will complete you. As annoying as all those little talks can be, they may very well be well-intentioned.
That being said, from what I have been told by a married friend of mine, till you know in your spirit that you are a making a well-informed choice that brings you peace, do not give into aunties pressure. There will only be two of you in the marriage, aunty will be long gone. So rather let your choice be a good one.
