At the beginning of the year I sent out a company-wide email (There are four of us here, so it wasn’t really all that wide.). We were just coming off the stress of getting through the work that had piled up while we were out and needed a bit of levity. Fortunately everyone got a kick out of it. So I wrote several more and sent them out over the next couple of weeks. I’ve been encouraged to share them with everyone, and well, you’re everyone. I start off each email with the phrase ‘Hey Gang…’, so they have been come to known as the Hey Gang Emails*. I hope you enjoy them.
RE: Message to all employees
I know it’s the end of a long week and we’re all tired and perhaps more than a little absent minded, but this evening I had to stay at the office late because of someone’s irresponsibleness and I’m not too happy about it.
I’m not sure who it was and I’m not going to point fingers, mostly because we all know who it was, but someone left the ferret cages open again.
I know it can be really fun watching the ferrets run up and down the hallway and yes, even I enjoy racing them down the stairs like Slinky’s (Slinkies? Slinkii?), but we all (again, not wanting to get anyone in trouble) truly need to be more responsible. They weren’t too keen on going back in and it was a nightmare chasing them all down.
Forty-five minutes later I was able to get all but Pete back into his cage. He was working on something and I didn’t want to bother him as he seemed quite in the zone.
I’ll just say it again, one last time. Keep the ferret cages closed. That means you Christina.
I’m not sure if this was an accident or an office prank, but somehow the coffee pot has become full with printer toner. I know this only because I poured myself a hot cup of toner this morning. It was neither funny, nor delicious.
On a personal note, if you could please refrain from making fun of the stain on my teeth, I’d appreciate it. I’m sure it will wash off within the month.
Also, the printer is out of creamer.
I’m not sure if you’re aware or not, but Sergio in HR has been working hard on the new interoffice no touching policy. Apparently there has been some issues with inappropriate handshaking so, of course, measures must be taken. It’s better to be safe than to find yourself in the middle of a harassment complaint, so please take the time to read through the new no touching rules. Also, Sergio has been working many hours on this project, so if you see him in the halls this week, give him a pat on the back for a job well done.
RE: Please Disregard the fire
As you probably read, you can safely disregard the fire and continue working. It’s just a practice fire. In the event of a real fire I will email you directions. But until then, keep working as well.
So to recap, today’s fire is mostly a practice fire and is no cause for alarm. Seriously, please don’t pull the fire alarm, we can’t afford another fine from the city. Also, if some of you could open the window, apparently there was a bit of an issue regarding the “no cigars in the office” memo I sent out last week and now the office is full of smoke.
PS. We are testing out the heater today, so it might get somewhat warm in the office. Again, no cause for alarm, please continue working.
RE: Stepping down
It is with a heavy heart that I write this email. I truly hoped this day would never come, but alas, here we are. At some point, I guess we all knew this was coming, and yet, I’m sure it will still come as a surprise to you. Hopefully it will be a disappointment and not a relief, though please know it’s not my intent to hurt anyone.
I can’t find my good pencil. It’s the one with the eraser at the end. I think I lost it when I was stepping down the stairwell earlier today
So if you see it, please do the right thing and return it.
I’m sure there will be more to come, and when I have a few collected and sent out, I’ll be happy to share them. As long as Sergio** is cool with it of course.
*Mostly by me.
**There is no Sergio.
More of Me
Should you want more of me (weirdo), please visit me at scottzirkel.com