Alberta Revolting: A 2015 Voters Guide 7
Guide to the NDP
Warning: May Contain Excessive Levels of Satire!
Official Name: Alberta New Democratic Party
Known Aliases: Alberta NDP, Dippers, Commies, Notley Crue, Orange Tsunami
Leader: Rachel “Glam” Notley
Seats in Legislature at Dissolution: 4 of 87 (4.5%)
Electoral Goal for Next Assembly: Enough Seats to abolish capitalism, apple pie and motherhood
Ideology: As Close to the Centre as Possible Without Sounding like Liberals
Agenda: Prepare the way for the glorious socialist revolution, bring brutalist architecture back into fashion or at a minimum last long enough to have bragging rights over the BC NDP.
Party Motto: Wait, the whole orange crush/Notley crue thing may actually work? In Alberta??? There is a god!
Party Prayer (Unofficial): Dear God in Heaven, please keep us from screwing up.
Headquarters: Kremlin Mk. 2, Unit 1917 10230 Jasper Avenue, Edmonton
Ever since the end of the brutal and violent prairie rebellions of the criminally-insane CCF-Bolsheviks with the hanging of their leader, the supposedly non-violent political wing has remained, now styling themselves the New Democratic Party.
Decades now since the hanging of their leader, Tommy Douglas, the notorious butcher of the gentle Sask people, his depraved and immoral followers still seek vengeance upon innocent corporations.
More commonly known by the initials NDP (undoubtedly to hide their support for such dangerously radical and seditious concepts as ‘new’ and ‘democratic’) they have tried to infiltrate and subvert what they once sought to destroy by violent extreme left-wing revolution.
While they have had some success elsewhere, here in the People’s Democratic Republic of Saudi Alberta™, the Party and it’s protectors, the Corporate Knights successfully fought off their depraved and destructive “Norwegian Model.” Those who have fled their wanton destruction elsewhere have found shelter as Guest Workers under the gentle and wise tutelage of the Party.
Many have prospered here in Saudi Alberta™ and have been allowed to earn many thousands of dollars working in the Sacred Oil Sands.
Now the insidious and perfidious so-called New Democratic Party have begun spreading a dangerous heresy: that an election is not (as it has been since time immemorial and forever shall be) a time to thank and venerate the Party, but rather a time in which the general public may choose who shall lead them. This outrage will not stand!
Saudi Alberta™ is the private property of a consortium of oil corporations. Just because you live here doesn’t give you the right to vote or have a say in how Saudi Alberta™ is governed. The Party demands adoration from the masses.
Even if this Notley Crew should succeed in using an election intended for the veneration of the Party to stage a coup against the Order ordained by God Himself, what do you pathetic serfs hope to gain? Without the guidance of the Party, you are nothing!
How long do you think it will be before those NDP scoundrels will force you all to wear those dreadful Mao suits? You’ll long for the days of your polyester fast food uniforms!
From there it will only get worse! Executions of everyone making more than $25,000 a year as “class enemies.” Every heterosexual white cisgendered male in the province sent off to mandatory sensitivity training and hard labour for decades in the gulags of Lloydminster!
Or even more unimaginable horrors may lie in store after all that, such as modest increases in corporate taxes. A fate worse than any other.
Should this abomination somehow happen, be warned, we who are the rightful owners of everything and everyone in Alberta will not forget this betrayal. We will never accept the NDP usurpers as the legitimate government.
Bottom Line: Sure, betray the PC Party after its years of faithful, selfless service on your behalf. Your lives would be nothing if not for the PCs and this is how you would repay them? Besides, you don’t have the nerve to vote for anyone else.
