The Contemplation Stage with EFT Tapping
In this series articles I have attempted to explain how EFT Tapping can be used in each stage of the Cycle of Change model. This framework is useful to understand how we all change our behaviours and my aim here is to dive into each stage to look at what role EFT can play in addressing the specific challenges to each of them and how it can move us quicker between stages.
The focus of this article is the Contemplation Stage.
The wording I used in my first article to sum up this stage is “I might have a problem … but do I really need to stop drinking?”. This phrase exemplifies the ambivalent nature that this phase embodies. Personally, I find this to be the trickiest stage of all because it’s the one that can break you or make you. It’s a seesaw that can that swing from side to side, it’s a glimpse of hope that can ignite a sparkle for change. It can represent the potential of a new beginning, or, if we don’t take advantage of that momentum, it can also pedal us backwards to that familiar comfort zone of slow and bitter self-destruction.
As a practitioner, I cannot force or enforce change of any sort. That is not my role when I work with my clients. My role of an EFT Practitioner is to provide a safe space for them to bring that ambivalence in the open, place it in front of them, so that they can look at it from a different angle and make sense of it.
But more than that, what EFT can do brilliantly, if carried out correctly, is to offer an opportunity to bring to the surface both of those antagonistic parts that sit on both sides of that seesaw.
When we are in the contemplation stage, we haven’t made a decision yet. We are weighing the ups and downs, the costs and the benefits of drinking and not drinking, but we are still very much in the midst of it as in this stage we haven’t quit yet. When I remember myself at that stage, I feel like I was stuck in a quicksand with only my head and arm out, whilst the rest of my body was keeping me down.
The side of the body that is out, is giving us signals that things need to be different, but it’s not strong enough to jump out of the quicksand completely. It needs help to make that jump and it can feel like we need to fight against that force that wants us to stay in the place it knows best. This help can be more evidence piling up, and that usually means that more untoward events need to occur before the other parts are ready to come out and help them.
An EFT Practitioner is someone on the solid ground that is lending a hand by fleshing out all the thoughts and emotions that are in-between your future alcohol-free self and where you are right now. Ultimately, the choice is still ours, but I cannot stress hard enough how freeing and cathartic this process can be, to be able to put all our cards on the table without the fear of being judged but feeling validated instead.
The two ambivalent parts.
Ambivalence comes from Latin. Ambi means “both” and valence means “to value”, so the literal meaning of this word is that that there are two parts that are both valid.
Once, during one of my sessions, a client asked me what made me want to stop. The answer is simple and I think the essence of it is quite universal, the famous seesaw had started to lean too heavily on the other side.
What is this ambivalence about?
The ambivalence is created by having an internal conflict between a part within you that wants you to stop drinking, be healthy and stop the merry-go-round of drink-stop-repeat and the part that wants you to keep drinking and stay where you are, the one that wants and needs to keep that compulsion alive. I believe that it’s essential to understand that there are no bad or useless parts within us. They are all there because they serve a purpose, even though that purpose, when alcohol is part of the equation, does not take into account the full picture of our long-term benefits. Nevertheless, that part must be seen, acknowledged and honoured. If we don’t let that part come to the surface and give it a voice, it’s not going to shut up. It will play out in the background, like a monotonous and seemingly innocuous lift muzak tune, until it festers and becomes louder and louder. As Jung once said, “What you resist, persists”, it doesn’t go away just because you brush it under the carpet and pretend it’s not there. And unless you lift the carpet, and hoover the debris that is underneath, that dust is only going to become more conspicuous and filter in every corner of the house.
How does EFT works then?
Doing “Parts Work”* is one of the many techniques that constitutes the arsenal of tools that EFT offers. With this technique, we give voice, literally, to that part that is so reticent to change, the part that is fuelling our denial that drinking is not that big of an issue, really, that “maybe this is not the right time because I’m going on holiday in 2 months”, or “I have a wedding in 3 weeks”, or “there are people who have a worse problem than I do”, that “this is probably just a phase and I’ll naturally grow out of it”, that […] you can fill in the blanks with whatever justification you can think of. But, ultimately, what my direct and indirect personal and working experience has highlighted so far, is that this part is scared like hell, because it probably doesn’t have a clue of what you would do — or be — without the alcohol, because the you that drinks is not just the you that performs an action, is the you that has become that thing, it has morphed into your identity and that wouldn’t know how to be and who to be without it. The survival of the identity of that part is under threat, and that is a scary thought indeed. It’s not just about stopping to do something, it’s about finding a new way to occupy the space, it’s about negotiating an unknown way to move into the world, it’s about learning a new dance when we haven’t been shown the steps.
And I repeat, that can be a very scary thought. And if you are reading this and are going through it right now or have previously experienced it, you know exactly what I’m talking about. That part of you has learnt to deal with life using alcohol and is scared that it’s not going to survive without it. That part needs to feel heard and EFT can be an amazing tool to do that.
My most heart-felt suggestion if you find yourself at this exact crossroads, is to allow yourself to be helped through it, because it’s a very distressing place to be. And by help, I mean someone who has the ability to understand your experience, to hear your pain and who doesn’t lay any judgements over you. Because that part needs to be free to speak and be heard. It needs to find a place to be raw and be accepted for what it is, no matter what it has to say. That part, believe it or not, thinks that it has the best intentions for you, but it doesn’t have any other way to show them. This is why it’s so important to understand what it is that is pushing your behaviour.
A lot of people who are at this stage would not seek help and end up pedalling backwards because they might be reluctant to engage with someone who is going to tell them that they have to stop drinking. If that is your fear, be honest about it and let your therapist know. Don’t let that be your reason not to source professional help. Just take this as a chance to explore why you are drinking the way you are, what you are gaining from it, what you are scared of losing, what your main main fears are. What is the reason one of your two parts clinging to it for dear life? A good practitioner will never tell you what to do. That is ultimately up to you. And if you are not ready to stop yet, use EFT as way to know yourself more. That is still worth discovering and investing your time and resources in.
*Please note that if you want to undertake this level of work, you will need to find a trauma-informed certified Advanced EFT Practitioner. Please visit the EFT International website to find the directory of certified and accredited EFT practitioners.
