Mental Health
I Am Not Strong
This Revelation Struck Me After Four Prolonged Decades.
It took me four decades of existence and nineteen years of emotional trauma to realize that all these years, I had been cleverly manipulated and fooled into believing that I was strong. I took pride in my strength and in being portrayed as a role model for other women, to the extent that I often preached patience to my descendants. There was just one problem: deep down, I was not at peace with my inner self.
Historical Background
Since time immemorial, Indian women have bowed down to societal norms as their destiny, abandoned their dreams, and surrendered to whatever was thrown at them. This mindset was imbibed in their upbringing and value system from early childhood days because such a huge sacrifice demanded a complete shift in perception, bordering on near blindness to self-awareness. So how on earth did these people, the wise, all-knowing elderly tribe, manage to convince free-thinking, open-minded individuals to let go of their aspirations and happily accept slavery?
The answer lies with the select few at the top of the hierarchy who cleverly portrayed sacrifice as strength and patience as the pathway to happiness. They made it appear lucrative to young girls of marriageable age and brainwashed them into believing that true strength was about sacrificing their lives and dreams for the happiness of the family.
True happiness was about keeping everyone happy — husband, children, in-laws, extended family, social circle, even at the cost of their lives. A few infamous rituals stated in history that stand as evidence of this mindset include (1,2)
- Sati — where a woman was forced to end her life by jumping into her dead husband’s pyre,
- Child marriages — where girls aged anywhere around ten years were deprived of education and married off to teenage boys, sometimes even older men, thereby robbing them of their innocence and childhood completely,
- Mistreatment of widows — where they were forced to lead a plain life, shave their heads, and wear only white clothing, thereby depriving them of the right to live a normal life or remarry.
Though the rituals were gradually banished in most regions, the concept of happiness and strength was passed on to women for generations. Even in the current day scenario, it is deeply rooted in their existence, and that is the ONLY definition they know of strength and happiness, i.e., to lay down their lives, literally, for the family.
However, in the past decade, we have seen a shift in the thought process where women of Gen-Z define strength and happiness differently, and we shall come to that very soon.
Is Strength about Bearing It All and Still Smiling?
I, too, believed in the age-old concept of strength because my family made me believe in it. (They can’t go wrong, right? Wrong. That is an entire topic in itself!)
In my childhood, I was weak, timid, and vulnerable; therefore, I was naturally more cared for. (When read in fine print, it means you are weak, you are stupid, and you can’t make any decisions, so leave that to us and just follow orders.)
Consequently, subconsciously, I developed the skill of being patient and accepting others’ opinions as my own. Over a period of time, I got so good at it that I took complete ownership of whatever was thrown at me. Eventually, I metamorphosed from a weakling to a strong woman without even realizing what happened. Each time they told me I was strong, I considered it my victory and took pride in the statement.
“You are such a mature girl. So patient. So strong.”
They repeated to me every time I un-rebelliously accepted the decisions they took for me. Those words were like rewards for me; I was happy in their happiness. After all, they were family. Yes, I am strong(not weak). I am patient. I am a fighter. I kept putting up a strong front, swallowed insults, held on to my patience when I was restricted, and smiled even when I was shattered inside. Why? Because I was a strong woman who could bear it all with a smile and keep things together. I had completely lost my sense of individuality, and all that mattered to me was keeping people happy.
So, What Exactly is Mental Strength? Or When Do We Label Someone as Emotionally Strong?
The definition of mental strength is complicated and has many perspectives. Mental strength has commonly been studied from the point of view of athletes who are expected to keep it going until the finish line, come what may.
The Oxford Dictionary of Sports Science and Medicine states mental toughness as a quality to refuse to be intimidated, with a determination to finish the contest even in adverse conditions while keeping emotions in check and the mind focused on the goal despite the intense pressure of competitiveness. (3)
However, there is someone who has a more generalized and broad definition of the concept. According to Angela Duckworth (2016), a psychologist and author of the book ‘Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance’, true mental strength is not about surviving adversity with a stoic face but is about being able to defend your dreams, standing for yourself, keep going in the face of adversity and improvising where necessary. (4)
Wish I had read this much earlier in life.
After four long, struggling decades of sacrificing dreams and aspirations, suppressing my feelings while trying to derive happiness from making people smile, losing myself, and bearing it all stoically, my unhappiness and emptiness began to reflect in my energy, on my face, and in my eyes.
I was completely unaware of this development while I continued to live, assuming that I was doing a great job concealing my predicament until it came — the bolt from the blue.
“What’s bothering you?”
“Me? Nothing.”
“I can see it. You are not happy.”
“I am fine. I am a strong woman; I have to bear it all. I am not supposed to fight but find a way out or bear it in silence.”
“Seriously? I do not call that strength. That’s a weakness. You are not strong. You are weak, so so weak. I mean, just to avoid an altercation, you are giving away your life and soul. Do you call that strength? Stand up for yourself and speak!”
It was as if I had lost ground. My world, my confidence, came crashing down. Was I weak? I am weak, not strong? How on earth could I bear all the nonsense under the sun? They fooled me into believing I was strong because I was following their orders quietly. This revelation changed my entire thought process. That was when I realized that strength was not about bearing it all and dying a martyr’s death.
There was hope.
This one statement opened my eyes; all these years, I was blind and blissfully unaware of it! It made me sit up and take notice of the world around me. How blatantly had they manipulated me and how foolish I was to practice this ‘false’ idea of strength. My newfound realisation about real strength evoked restlessness inside me meant to bring about change, a revolution.
Generational Differences in Mental Strength
That is precisely the reason I bring this out in the open because most people with whom I discussed this, strongly believe that strength means endurance and patience. They found it hard to comprehend that avoiding altercations and bearing injustice in silence was a weakness, while standing up for yourself and being a ‘rebel’ was a strength.
This is where women of Gen-Z step in; they are a generation of confident, self-aware individuals who know their boundaries very well. The only issue is they have been fed so much about women’s empowerment and gender equality that they live in extremes and are unable to strike a balance. It is either their way or the highway. That’s where we pitch in.
We, the millennials or Gen-Y, are the connecting generation between Gen-X and Gen-Z. We have witnessed the transitions in life and mindsets and are well aware of what striking a balance means. We acknowledge terms such as generational trauma, parenting mistakes, personal space, teen pressures, etc., and because we can see both sides of the coin, we carry a huge responsibility on our shoulders toward our future generations. But before that, we should correct ourselves and identify our true strengths to avoid being misled by societal pressure or norms.
The Change Starts with Us
So the next time someone praises you and reminds you of your strength, take a moment to analyze your real strength, what is at stake, and what the right thing to do is.
Also, as a parent, teach your child — boy or girl — the real meaning of strength. Teach the girls to stand up for themselves, speak with respect and integrity, believe in themselves, and not be afraid to voice their concerns.
Teach the boys to respect women and consider them equally respectable human beings, not just conveniences. Also, teach them not to feel threatened or allowed to be bullied by women who wrongly use empowerment as a shield. Gender equality has to be practiced at all levels and for both genders.
Real strength comes from insight, from knowing when to speak up for yourself and not by staying silent.
P.S.- Though the article majorly covers the mindset involved in bringing up Indian women, I’m equally sensitive towards men suffering in silence. True strength is for all of us, regardless of gender, caste, or creed.
Humanity first. Self-love next. Manipulation, never!
