MENTAL HEALTH
Unexplained gloominess
In this time of the year, a wave of sadness sweeps over
I have been feeling a bit gloomy since the start of August. This feeling is not a stranger though, as it never forgets to visit me every year. This July and August were unusually busy mostly with work, family and travel. I was already preoccupied but despite that, the “August Gloominess” found its way to me- like an uninvited, unwanted visitor.
The “August gloominess” does not occur without reason. That’s for sure. This time, I tried to dig deeper and make sense out of it.
So, what is in August that is unusual? I tried to analyse and the answer was- the slight crispiness in the air and a sense of calm. Sounds seem to be drowned and everything seems to be at a still as if a storm just went by. The stark in the temperature is evident because exactly 4 days ago, the weather was boiling hot. It is still hot, but a cool breeze visits often.
This temperature feels uncomfortable. While you are steaming from the inside, the breeze cools you. The humidity remains constant. This cycle continues throughout the day. Addressing this discomfort, it sprang to my mind- UNIFORM! Yes, the school uniform- the one with a thick fabric, a hard-collared t-shirt paired with a tie, covered by a tunic did its best to choke me.
Analyzing further, August reminds me of the dread of returning to school after a pleasant summer break. New class, new course, difficult than the previous. The fear of living the same hectic routine 5 days a week, burdened with homework for the weekend.
After all, August boils down to -SCHOOL
Yes, school.
I finished school more than 10 years ago and that is more than a decade.
But why the terror still lingers on?
It’s strange.
Some reasons that I can think of:
Fear of being late, there was no mercy for latecomers.
Fear of missing the bus.
Fear of forgetting books or lunch and then get scolded by mom.
Fear of failing and being left behind.
Fear of getting bad grades.
Tests, quiz, exams.
Strict checking of uniform that included tying hair with only a black hair tie or else you are doomed.
Man, it was chaos.
All this led to:
Stomach aches and the inability to eat in the morning, followed by a scolding from mom.
A constant sense of fear as if the world is going to crash.
Constant worry about the future if I would be able to make it to a good university and then land a job.
I am not denying that I am privileged enough to get an education. I am forever grateful for that. Education has taken me way farther than I could imagine.
It’s the chaos associated with it, the rush, the competition, the pressure. It was too much to handle.
I have noticed that for certain feelings:
The more you run away from them,
the harder they chase you.
As time is passing by, I seem to be going away from that memory. I should be forgetting it. But, it is somehow trying to refresh itself.
Not letting me forget it.
Clinging onto me,
Tightly, like a kid refusing to leave its mom
Now even the slightest change in the atmosphere reminds me of school, of how fast life went, faster than I could handle it. If I didn’t have support from my family, I would have been swept away long long ago.
