Teaching Someone How to Fuck Should Be a Public Service

Have we solved world hunger? No? Then at least let’s guarantee orgasms.

Sex should be taught like any other important skill in adult life. You men and women over 30 know how to drive a car, how to invest in the stock market, and how to negotiate a raise, but sex?

Absolutely nobody teaches us how to fuck hard and precisely against the bathroom wall while holding your partner at exactly the right spot, and that, dear bill-paying adults, is a monumental mistake that deserves to be corrected with the same urgency as we discuss our credit card debt.

We live in a country where smart adults have learned to avoid crazy and annoying people, to choose the ideal health plan, and to articulate arguments in work meetings, but when someone asks about how to do that position that makes legs shake uncontrollably and sweat run down your back, the silence is as awkward as being naked in front of your in-laws by mistake after a shower.

We could solve many problems in the adult world if sex were treated with more seriousness and less hypocrisy, especially among you married folks who have sex as frequently as you vote for president. I’m not talking about basic little fetishes or positions you memorized from some dusty old book, but about how to make your partner moan so loudly that the neighbors think you’re renovating the house at three in the morning.