Guess Who’s Not a Friend of Medium
Get your shit together, Tooth Fairy
For 1186 years, Santa has been a friend of humanity. He gives, gives, gives like it’s his fucking job — because it is. The previous Santa, Myrddin Wyllt, aka Merlin — yes that Merlin, held the post through the dark ages. But Merlin the Sorcerer spent way too much time dreaming of King Arthur’s ballsack and a magical steel penis buried in a rock. Metaphor? Yep.
Merlin was a terrible Santa and a terrible friend. Santa Claus is the kind of friend you want by your side when your fraternity brother gets too handsy with a one-star stripper. Nothing like a jolly “ho, ho, ho” to de-escalate a 150-kg bouncer about to curb stomp your buddy’s jaw.
Friends in High Places
Because my friendship is legendary, I chose to join the Friends of Medium plan. How does the program work? It’s like planting a magic bean, and pop, Carlo Zeno earns eightpence on his poetry instead of two. Not sure what there is to complain about; eightpence can buy a castle, moat, a horde of wenches, and most of the land in southern Gaul.
The elves are telling me that eightpence isn’t much-spending cheddar in a modern city like New York. So maybe Carlo has a right to complain.
