Member-only story
I Growth-Hacked My Neighbor
And reciprocated his enthusiasm
I was slurping a medium-strength, medium-sized mocha with medium cream milk when my fucking neighbor, a professional medium, clapped on my door with the palm of his fat hand.
I really didn’t want to reciprocate by opening the damned door, but he knew I was in my apartment because I was raising my voice at my partner explaining why I thought writing for pennies was good for the soul.
She just about 404'd our fucking relationship, which made me think my neighbor’s psychic interruption wasn’t a bad thing after all.
“I’LL GET IT!”
I shouted this as if our apartment was bigger than a one bedroom and I had someone else to tell besides my partner who was standing right in front of my face.
As I tried to swerve around my partner, I knocked over her boost juice on the floor.
I then made a gesture like I intended to clean it up just so my partner could predictably tell me not to bother and to just please answer the fucking door.
So I metamorphosed from a useless fucking writer into a better human and answered the door like a stand-up host.
