For Colored Girls Who’ve Considered Apologizing (When Being Yourself Was Enough)
Fellow introverts, let me tell you a story you might find familiar.
My ex-boyfriend, an unabashed and fearless extrovert, loves parties. Loves them. He’d go out at least twice a week, and always invited me to tag along. Sometimes, he’d invite me by text message. While waiting in his car. In my driveway. With the engine running.
“Hey, want to go dancing?
“Sure.”
“Great! I’m bringing 5 other people you barely know!”
“What? When?”
“Now.”
Many of these parties happened to be hosted by people who hated my guts.
He had two sets of families, neither of which was welcoming of black women. His adopted mom straight-up didn’t want me in her house, while the biological one insisted he find a “nice Latina girl” instead of “one of those.” (She would say this to him in Spanish, to my face, every time she saw us together.)
One out of six sisters tolerated me enough to say hello. His ex-girlfriend, now a friend, remained convinced I would ruin his life if we stayed together. His eight “best friends,” mostly extroverts, resolved to ignore me completely. (That is, until they needed an extra body to play Settlers of Catan.)
His friends had college degrees, six-figure salaries, and lovely homes in the hills. They forged their friendships in the tender years of elementary school. They “summered” in Montana. They boasted of the one black friend they all shared, whom no one had spoken to since high school.
These were the people he expected me to party with.
As an introvert who hadn’t yet come into herself, I had no idea how to manage these awkward situations promised to me. I didn’t know how to say, “Hey, jackass, I don’t want to go to these godawful hellscapes you call parties anymore.” All I knew how to do, at the time, was smile and try to be helpful.
So I spent my weekends doling out sheepish grins, retrieving strange glassware from strange kitchens upon request, complimenting other people’s footwear, and choking back tears.
One evening, as I browsed through PlayStation 4 games in the Ex’s living room, I overheard him on the phone. “Sorry about my girlfriend,” he said. “I told you she’s kinda weird.”
A few weeks later, we were over. My self-esteem hit rock bottom for all of two days. Then, on the third day, it launched into the stratosphere and never came down. That breakup was the last push I needed to finally see my introversion as less of a “shell” to come out of, and more of badge to wear with pride for the rest of my life.
Apologize? For What?
Anyone who apologizes for your existence doesn’t deserve you. Full stop.
If someone is apologizing for your personality, take a deep breath…clear your mind of negativity…and find zen as you proclaim this ineffable truth from your lungs:
“That person is a fucking jackass.”
If that doesn’t work, and you’re still feeling the effects of all the terrible, horrible, bullshit-ass human beings you’ve encountered in life, I highly recommend this meditative video:
There is something fundamentally wrong when a relationship forces you to feel embarrassed about things you cannot control.
This isn’t just about my ex-boyfriend, clueless though he was. This is about all the group projects, all the promotions, and all the speeches you’ve been passed up on, simply because you’re what they call an introvert. This is for all the times you’ve been laughed at always existing in the corners of parties and never center-stage. This is for every time anyone’s ever made you feel less than, demanded that you smiled more, or insisted that you “act normal.”
There is no default personality. You are normal. And unless you’re Hitler, you should never have to apologize for being who you are.
In short, he deserves an apology if you:
- Get drunk and puke on his shoes
- Kick him in the balls (even if he deserved it)
- Promise to walk the dog, then forget and take a nap instead
- Marathon seasons of Archer in his living room until 3am the night before finals
No one holds the right to be offended if you:
- Don’t get his joke
- Take a long time to get to know
- Aren’t especially talkative
- Would rather marathon seasons of Archer for free on your sofa than spend $200 on sugary drinks in a crowded room with some strange man stomping on your feet all night
Bold introverts are required to interact and communicate with other human beings, sometimes more often than they’re comfortable with.
You are not, however, responsible for assuaging extroverts by pretending to be something you’re not.
Has anyone ever “apologized for you?” What did you do about it?
This story was originally published on September 8th, 2015 at The Bold Introvert.
