Elena
I don’t think I’ve ever had much people besides me. It’s been a long road and I barely know how it has lead me here. An array of events has traversed me through lots of different conditions and places. Maybe it’s been the other way, with me traversing those events — and life — through me, changing and morphing everytime. I wouldn’t dare calling any of this growth. I’ve gone not from one to two, to three; rather from blue, to yellow, to red, to green.
Now that I look back, I am starting to realize that, I’ve had not much say in how these events have unfolded. To be clear, their aggregate could be labeled my life, but it still makes me feel as the spectator, the night and the stars I cannot see but feel.
Inside this room time moves very weirdly as I remember it being outside. I think it goes to say that it never really mattered what was happining and how long everything took; I mean that maybe time never mattered. Thinking on what was the importance of time while I could tell a second apart from the next, my best candidate is expectations. It was never equal he who ran a race on 10 seconds than he who did on 20 seconds. Or maybe, now that I see the arbitrariness of it, I shall realize it always was. I should have never worried of coming on first, now I can see, and oh boy, how important did that always feel; leads to one to assume most of us lived for the other in more ways than we often like to admit. My run for success always had me thirsty and tired of not standing on next feet, but did I ever question myself about where I was running so ferociously to? I did not for why would that be necessary, the cheers of those on steps by my side were the what I saw and what told progress; I was blindfolded, after all, and by knot I help made myself. Time always felt running out, but really it was life that was fleeting; true life.
Everything used to be a shadow of itself, and it was always a few days of confinement. Or maybe weeks, but that is also the point.
Thinking back, I also take my rounds around the humans component of the equation, and I don’t think there were ever so-called friends, when I was around. People were always there, yes; since the very beginning in the form of my mom and father, and later on in the form of friends and colleagues. Maybe, I now think, these were all just circumstancial. This creates no controversy on the friends part or the colleagues part, but on the family it starts to break some barriers. I wouldn’t say any of these relationships were special, whatever that might mean. I will not go as far as to say this is to be the case with everyone, but it was just mine, now it is clear. There simply was no one that cared about me beyond what was expected, and to close the circle, there was never no one I genuinely cared about beyond what I ought to.
We like to think we live our lives as the come, but really we’re just all fulfilling expectations and creating more of our own — all pointless and groundless — , and then use them to hold ourselves and others accountable to the very senseless dynamics that birthed those standards. It is very much reminiscent of a theatrical play with no audience and all actors. It shall be a very tragic comedy, or a very comedic tragedy.
I am now beyond all that, in this cell. I just wish this had all become clearer a bit sooner. A day or two to spare is not of much use anymore. Anyways, it might be a week.
A rope.
