Vincent
You thought this would never happen.
An erratic situation birthed from a deceiving and rather distorted view of the possible. A fundamental misunderstanding of the heart.
What can you say to him? Not much, huh.
You thought this situation would be a no-worry. What you’re feeling is precisely what? What you were never supposed to feel? And it shall be broken up to you now.
He most surely won’t feel the same and you’ll have to swallow it all. A lonely death might just be in order and despite the dramatic this sounds, does it sound improbable?
Improbable as in what, exactly?
It might be said that you brought this to yourself; but then, we are just kids and will always be. Vulnerable and shaking.
You will see him in the eyes. Watch his every move; fixate on his arms and those awkward eye movements of his. You will see all that and you will think you need to get up to him and hold his hands, hold them tight. Both of you standing, surrounded by nothing, or at least not by anything that matters. And then like that, tied with your hands and pressing your chests to each other, you will kiss him and, perhaps most importantly, he will kiss you. Your kiss will span a couple of minutes but will feel like a couple of seconds. Your hand will, without any of you noticing, get behind his head and, starting from his neck, will gently caress his face and his beautiful, messy hair.
One of the many which is not to ever happen, not by any reasonable approximation.
But then, what has “probable” proven to mean?
And though you well know this might all be false or, at the very least, not so true, it feels unbearably true. As true as the pain that stems from being burnt slowly. True and inescapable.
It wouldn’t be the first time you deny yourself, but we both now you’re well over that now, now that you see him and your heart functions differently. Life stops making sense totally right before it can start making all the sense and you, as of this moment and a couple more to come, will be living in this disgraceful limbo where what you see is far from what is; not but a shadow.
And you lied when you told him you would never love him, because you do. What a way to break a promise. Another reason for him not to fall for you.
Would you fall for you? We both know we both don’t know, specially you.
Vincent will go on and life will as well but the thought of doing the same yourself seems alien and wrong. You shall not move — you feel — , not now that you have felt all this for the first time. Has anybody ever loved you like he does? Like he ought to?
You’ll feel inadequate and that fact will forever transcend who happens to be the object of your desire, but now that it is Vince, and now that it is late and the moon dances with the stars, you can at least fall into your comforting illusion of a kiss. Of your first one with him. The first real kiss. You will be forever waiting and, will he ever come? It doesn’t matter for a lifetime of disgrace is well beyond the matter of this night where you can only feel the strength of his lips rubbing with yours, and your hand finally caressing what ought to only be your wildest dreams.
And the image of his lips will forever haunt you.
I Will.
