Brett the Benevolent and the Lousy Palace Spy
By Sean Colcleasure
Characters:
Brett: Age is unimportant. However, he should be dressed as a “typical” magician — black hat, black cape, etc. — and holding a wand. He will also need a handkerchief, a coin and a deck of cards.
Dana: Age and gender unimportant. No particular costuming needed except for a cell phone.
Setting:
The characters will need some sort of bench. This could be two chairs, a table, etc. as long as it can be seen as a bench.
The set will also need to pipe in the sound of a bus stopping and opening its doors.
Lights Up.
The play opens on Brett standing near the bench
and waving his wand in the air.
Brett
(Speaking loudly) Sim Sala Bim (points the wand). Nothing? Really?
The magician wipes off the wand and shakes it out. Clears his throat and begins again.
Brett
(Speaking loudly) Abracadabra (points the wand). Seriously? Still? (looks closely at the wand) Is this thing broken?
The magician again shakes out the wand as Dana approaches. Dana stands just out of sight and watches Brett.
Brett
Okay, this has got to work. This one always works. (Speaking loudly and pointing the wand) Alla Peanut Butter Sandwiches. (pause) Ahhh. What is going on? Why won’t you work?
Frustrated, Brett begins to pace back and forth shouting a number of magic words as he points his wand. Alakazam! Hocus Pocus! For the love of everything magical in this world, Mecca Lecca Hi, Mecca Hiney Ho!
Nothings happens. Brett sits on the bench, sets the wand down and places head between hands and begins to cry. Dana approaches, cautiously.
Dana
Um…hey there. (sitting down next to Brett) You doing okay?
Brett
(Wipes tears away) No, actually I am not. I can’t seem to get home.
Dana
Well, maybe it’s because…
Brett
(Turning to face Dana directly) Because what? Because I am a failed magician! Have you been talking to my father, the king?
Dana
No, I was just…
Brett
(Interrupts) Like I am going to listen to you. My father has spies all over the place. He sends them out to watch me and report back when my magic fails. He always says I should just accept my role as prince and give up this (air quotes) “pipe dream” of wanting to be a magician, and you know what, maybe I should.
Dana
(Calm and soothing) A prince, huh? That’s amazing. Here in Bloomington/Normal? I’ve never met a real prince before. (pause) Should I bow when addressing you?
Brett
(Stands and puts left hand out) No, but you can kiss my ring finger and pledge your allegiance to me.
Dana
(Standing and moving to the opposite side of the bench) I don’t think that’s gonna happen.
Brett
(Laughs) It was a joke. I was joking. (sticks hand out) Hi, my name is Brett.
Dana
(Grabs hand and shakes) Dana. So, (humoring Brett) where’s your kingdom? I’m sure it’s got to be far away in some exotic place.
Brett
(Smiling) Oh, it is. I live in the Kingdom of Ironwood. It is a grand and magical place.
Dana
(Perplexed) Ironwood…the neighborhood next to…
Brett
(Interrupts) I am to rule all of Ironwood after my father passes away, but it is too much responsibility. We are constantly at war with the people from Carriage Hills, and those in Shelbourne Heights have crossed the Savannah Green and are getting closer every day.
Dana
Okay, but aren’t those just…
Brett
(Interrupts) And that is why I chose to follow my true calling…Magic! (as he says this he awkwardly pulls a handkerchief from his pocket) Viola!
Dana
(Smirks and does a slow clap) Wow…that was…um…impressive.
Brett
Yes, yes, I know. (puts handkerchief back in his pocket) Magic has always come naturally to me, but for some reason, I just can’t transport myself home.
Dana
Did you…transport yourself…here?
Brett
(Pacing around dramatically) Did I transport myself here? You want to know, did I transport myself here? What do you think?
Dana
I don’t know, that’s why I…
Brett
(Interrupts) Don’t you know me at all?
Dana
Well, actually…
Brett
(Interrupts) Didn’t I explain to you that I, Brett the Benevolent, heir to the Ironwood thrown, am a magician? Wait, did I say magician, I meant (uses a Trump-like impersonation), I am the bigliest, badliest, magicalliest magician you have ever met.
Dana
(Drawn out) Okay, that might actually be true, but you still didn’t answer my question?
Brett
(Stuck as Trump) Didn’t I? (slipping back to normal) I mean, what did you ask again?
Dana
Did you transport yourself here?
Brett
Of course, I did. What did I just say? Aren’t you even listening? Ugh. (yells off stage) Dad, can’t you just once hire someone to spy on me who can actually understand what I am saying?
Dana
Again, I ….
Brett
(Interrupts) Yes, to answer your simple question, I transported myself here, but something happened. There was a lot of confusion, and then a bunch of colors — pink, blue, orange, yellow, purple. They just kept coming and then I found myself here, at this bench. (takes a seat) Where I tried to settle myself before moving on, and you see how that is working.
Dana
I’m sorry, but did you say you saw a lot of colors? Were you knocked out?
Brett
What? (scratches his head as if thinking about it) No. It’s common knowledge that transportation spells use colors. (picks up his wand) Like today, I had heard tale of this gathering place called the Collectible Corner.
Dana
Near the Dairy Queen?
Brett
(Continuing without hearing what Dana said) Where magicians and wizards of all levels come together to test their skills, and I wanted to go…to see if any were my equal. So, I uttered the magic phrase — Presto Change-o — saw pink, but then something happened, and you know the rest.
Dana
I am sorry to hear that. I wish there was something I could do.
Brett
Oh, but there is. There most certainly is. (stands and grabs something out of his pocket) Stick out your hands.
Dana
Okay.
Brett
(Places a coin into Dana’s hand) Okay. Now, close both hands. (Dana does) Put them both behind your back. (Dana does). Please, put them back in front of you. (Dana does). Okay, so you know which hand the coin is in, but I do not.
Dana
Are you sure? I mean…
Brett
(Interrupts) But I will now tap the hand which hold the coin and you will reveal it by opening your hand.
Dana
(Unimpressed) Okay.
Brett
Open Sesame! (touches the opposite hand from where he had put the coin.)
Dana
Are you sure? Don’t you mean (motions head toward opposite hand) the other hand?
Brett
Do I look like a I mean (motions head toward opposite hand) the other hand? I’m the magician, aren’t I? (Dana shrugs) Please open your hand and reveal the coin.
Dana
Okay. Wait, what’s that? (points behind Brett who turns and looks while Dana switches the hand that the coin was in.)
Brett
What am I looking at?
Dana
Oh, nothing. I thought I saw a white rabbit. I thought it might be yours.
Brett
Why would I have a rabbit? What kind of hack magician do you think I am?
Dana
I…um…well…
Brett
Enough! Let’s get back to my trick. Open Sesame! (points to the opposite hand from the last time.)
Dana
Are you kidding me?
Brett
Open Sesame! Open Sesame! Open Sesame!
Dana
Okay! (pretends to sneeze and drops the coin while covering mouth with both hands.)
Brett
What did you do? You ruined my trick. (stomps around) Ahhh. I hate working with amateurs.
Dana
I’m sorry. I couldn’t help it. (picks up coins) Do you want to try again?
Brett
A magician never does the same trick twice. But, I do have another trick.
Dana
Oh, I can’t wait to see it.
Brett
Alright, I am clearing my mind of every thought, and now, I am going to think of a number between 1 and 1 million.
Dana
Really? That seems like an awfully large spread.
Brett
It’s nothing for a magician as you will soon witness. Now, would you please clear your mind. (as he says this he reaches out and takes Dana’s head in his hands). Have you done it?
Dana
(Concerned) Not really. (tries to pull away slightly, but Brett doesn’t let go) Why are you holding my head?
Brett
You will see. Now, I have cleared mine; have you cleared yours?
Dana
I guess so.
Brett
Great. Now, I am going to count to three. Once I say three, we will both say the number in our head. Are you ready?
Dana
I think so.
Brett
Perfect. Here we go. (Brett starts to spin them in circles with Dana’s head still in his hands.) 1…2…3.
Dana/Brett
(Simultaneously) 571/734,342
They stop spinning.
Brett
Ha. You were so wrong, yet I, Brett the Benevolent, have selected the correct number. (takes a bow with a flourish)
Dana
(Claps slowly.) I am not really sure what I just witnessed, but I don’t think that was a magic trick.
Brett
What do you know of magic? You’re nothing but a lousy, palace spy.
Dana
(Draws it out) Right, but I have watched people like David Copperfield and David Blain, and I have never seen a “trick” like that before.
Brett
Oh, so you challenge me do you? (Dana shakes head “no” emphatically). Well, here is my wand “Mr. Magician.” Whatchya gonna do?
Dana
(Holds the coin up) See the coin? (closes hand and waves the wand over it) By the power of Grey Skull, coin disappear. (throws the coin over his shoulder and shows empty hand) It’s gone.
Brett
(Amazed) Oh my…I have misjudged you. You are supremely talented. Not as talented as I am of course, but talented none-the-less. Do another trick.
Dana
Um…let’s see what I can do. (looks around, scratches head) Oh, I’ve got it. Do you have a deck of cards?
Brett
Of course, I do. (takes one from pocket and hands it to Dana).
Dana
Now, I would like you to pick a card. Any card, but don’t look at it. (Brett does) Now, put it back into the deck. (Brett does). Here goes nothing. (moves the wand over the deck of cards) Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo. (drops all of the cards to the ground but one) This is your card.
Brett
Wow! That was amazing! How’d you know without my looking at it?
Dana
I have watched a few magicians in my time, but I feel it is the power within this wand.
Brett
You feel power within it?
Dana
I sure do. (takes phone out of pocket, checks it and puts it away.) I feel so much power in it that I think I can transport you home.
Brett
I don’t believe you. It takes years of practice to be able to perform a transportation spell. (dismisses him with a wave) There’s no way you can do it.
Dana
Shhhh. Let me concentrate. (holds wand in the air and waves it around) Meeska, Mooska, Mickey Mouse!
Brett
Ha. I told you. Doing magic of this level is not easy.
Dana
(Checks phone again) Hold on. Hold on. Just give me another try. (puts phone in pocket and holds wand overhead) Oo ee oo ah ah ting tang walla walla bing bong!
Brett
See. The wand is broken. It didn’t work for me and it’s not gonna work for you. (reaches for wand) Give it back. I will just sit here and contemplate what I will do with the rest of my life since Magic for me is over.
Dana
No…wait…the wand is getting stronger. It’s talking to me. (pause) It’s telling me the magic words. Here, take the wand, (looks over should) face this direction and repeat these words.
Brett
It’s no use. I’m a failure.
Dana
Maybe you are and maybe you aren’t, but you won’t know for sure until you listen to the wand. Now, face the other direction and listen to the wand. (Dana has turned to face the opposite direction) Okay, wait a minute. (pause) Wait a minute.
Brett
What am I waiting for?
Dana
Don’t you feel it? Can’t you feel the power surging in your wand?
Brett
Yes, as a matter of fact, I do. (holds it above his head) I feel it. Now, what?
Dana
(Still facing the opposite direction) Keep it above your head and repeat these words: By the power vested in me…
Brett
By the power vested in me…
Dana
By the state of Illinois…
Brett
By the state of Illinois…
Dana
I now produce the Pink line to carry me home!
Brett
I now produce the Pink line to carry me home!
At that moment, the sound of a bus pulling up and opening its doors is heard.
Dana
(Turns to face Brett) It worked, you did it!
Brett
(Turns around…surprised, but contains it) Of course I did! I told you that I, Brett the Benevolent, am the greatest magician alive. (pats Dana on the shoulder) Here (hands over the wand), you’re pretty good, but this could help you one day become a real magician, too.
With that there is a quick bow, and Brett hurries off toward the bus.
Dana
(Holding the wand) Wow…that was crazy. (takes a seat on the bench) It’s funny though, I really do feel something. (waves the wand in the air) Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Lights go out.
Curtain.
