An ADHDer..who might also be on the spectrum

Just recently (a few days after New Years Day), I asked my mom a random question.

“Has there been the chance that I might be on the spectrum?”

I could see her rock her head, side to side, back and forth, trying to find a gentle way to confirm my suspicions. I think in some ways she was caught off guard by the question. I can’t say I blame her.

There have been many reports about the correlation between Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder and Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) I was officially diagnosed with ADHD in 2003 (I was a 7th grader then). I have yet to confirm if I am in fact on the spectrum.

We then went back to when I was younger, and mom told me that the reports my teacher sent her from school were burned. I had never been shown these reports by my parents (in many ways I’m forever grateful), but they didn’t sugar coat my “impulse control issues,” or my “tendencies to interrupt and disrupt class.” Many of the complaints neurotypical people dish out instead of getting to know more about invisible disabilities.

She told me one of the education assistants who worked with me from kindergarten onward, told her that I showed “flavors” of autism. Around that time, Autism didn’t consider spectrums (at least I don’t think).

“In that case, what flavor am I,” I asked mom facetiously.

“Spicy honey, you’re spicy,” Mom replied. We both laughed hysterically.

She went on to tell me that she never officially searched for a diagnosis because she knew that with having ADHD that I might also be on the spectrum.

My goal for 2023 is to make that confirmation.

I don’t know what it’ll be like but here’s what I do know.

I want to be sure, so I know what’s next

It’s hard to say what the outcome will be once I get tested. I may walk away either knowing I’m on the spectrum, or knowing that I’m not.

Either way, I just want to know. Although I performed well in school, and got along with pretty much everyone, I was severely bullied throughout elementary, middle and high school, and I always wondered why I couldn’t “fit in.”

Now I’m like: “fuck it. Brene Brown always says ‘why fit in, when you can stand out.’”

Someone I look up to and admire has ASD.

Growing up in Agriculture and going to University of Wisconsin-Platteville for Agriculture, I gained more knowledge about humane animal handling and livestock welfare. One great leader in the animal agriculture industry is Temple Grandin. If you Google her, you will see so many things she has done for the industry promoting the ethical handling in animal agriculture.

As a journalist for a former newspaper I had the opportunity to meet Temple Grandin when she was UW-Platteville’s distinguished speaker in 2018. I still get chills to this day about it.

It’s a reminder to look to leaders with similar upbringings and situations, because it normalizes asking the question “what’s normal anyway.”

ADHD and ASD are only parts of me, and not all of me.

I may be self diagnosing myself with being on the spectrum, and I was officially diagnosed with ADHD as an adolescent.

ADHD and ASD are letters that make up small parts of me, not all of me. ADHD and ASD weren’t the ones supporting me during many of my accomplishments-my family and friends were and continue to be there to this day.

I can somewhat understand why mom burned my school teachers reports. She’s always seen who I can be, beyond the child with “impulse control issues” and “difficulty with staying on task.” My parents and extended family have seen my superpowers: a great writer, a great researcher, an agricultural advocate, a pet lover, a beloved family member and friend. ADHD and ASD aren’t the things that show up in those moments for me. They also didn’t stop me from getting my first bachelors degree, and they sure AF won’t stop me from getting my second degree.

I’m nervous AND hopeful in finding out if I’m on the spectrum or not. It’s just knowing, and knowing what’s next so I can move forward and keep living my life.