Is he/she “the one?”

A unique marker of successful long-term relationships.

Ian Deming
Aug 23, 2017 · 4 min read

When you talk about your significant other, what do you say?

  1. “He completes me.”

These things are all well and good. Brilliant, in fact. If nothing like the above comes to mind, it might be worth asking yourself a few hard questions.

However, while important, none of these statements are what I consider “the marker” of successful long-term relationships.

On 25-year wedding celebration speeches and birthday cheers, the couples I look up to most share things like: “She is a fierce lover of her friends.” Or, “His dedication to helping others inspires me.” Or perhaps, “She never quits. She perseveres through challenges both personally and professionally and relationally like no one else I know.”

If you listen closely, you’ll notice these statements don’t begin with “us.” They begin with their partner. They aren’t about how much they enjoy spending time together, their shared commonalities, their sex life, or their communication style. Rather, they are admirations of the objective qualities they admire and respect in the other.


Ok, so “hold on,” you say. “Isn’t that kind of impersonal?”

Well, yes and no. “Objectively true” qualities could (and likely would) be acknowledged by anybody who’s spent a decent amount of time with your special someone. (And you are not anybody! You are a couple! And you have amazing coupleness!)

The thing is, “coupleness” changes. Kids affect the way you date and relate. Changes in career relocate you from those game nights with friends you enjoy so much together. Feelings of being in love ebb and flow.

But character? Character sticks.

The fact that “she is passionate about the arts?” That’s going to last. The fact that “he’s intentional about building his community” — that’s a much better inidicator of what your social life will be in 20 years than the fact that you both enjoy the same friend group right now. The fact that “he loves people deeply” is a better sign than “he loves me deeply.”

The fact that there are admirable qualitites about your significant other — ones that remain true outside your relationship — doesn’t make your love for them less unique. In fact, it’s these very qualities—the ones everyone loves about that person—that will be the most special and unique to you. They will be the qualities you get to enjoy most about them. Because you have the privilege of proximity (the front row seat, as it were) to them and all their wonderfulness. You have the honor to be linked arm in arm, heart to heart, and soul to soul with a person you respect and admire for THEM. Not only will that admiration for their individuality preserve your respect through the ups and downs of life, but you will experience those qualities with a depth only a life partner could truly appreciate.


Of course, relational fit is important. There are certainly some relational qualities to look for. It’s valuable to have chemisty. And sharing similar interests makes for easy weekend planning. But these qualities are not anchors in and of themselves. Rather, they are byproducts of the qualities you and your partner individually bring to the table.

“Sexual chemistry” is amazing. But most likely, it’s actually a byproduct of someone who “values practicing, learning, and exploring sensuality.” A “hiking buddy” is amazing. But someone who is “passionate about sharing hobbies” will sustain after that unexpected hip surgery. Your mutual affection for watching Game of Thrones together will only last so long (one more season, to be specific). Sorry. Winter is here.

So, yes, enjoying your relationship is important. But all the more important is enjoying your partner.

This emphasis on enjoying, by the way, is very intentional. Because if your significant other brings some amazing qualities to the table (hopefully they do), it’s your job to enjoy them. Because when you recognize, appreciate, and admire those qualities (and they enjoy yours), that will ensure you’ll enjoy your coupleness for years to come.

After all, who doesn’t want to be loved simply for who they truly are?


All Things Considered

Ideation, Reflection, and Prescription on Cultivating Inner Life

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Ian Deming

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All Things Considered

Ideation, Reflection, and Prescription on Cultivating Inner Life

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