I Wish I Had Listened When They Told Me

Preparing for motherhood is an interesting feat. In the months before my bundle arrived, I scoured the internet finding the best tips and tricks to organize the nursery, the house, the closets. I cleaned everything I could. I read endless books on what to expect when I was expecting and how my actions would affect her behavior in 5+ years. I asked other mothers for advice and listened to my fair share of information that wasn’t asked for.

In the end, I wasn’t prepared, but who can be? Out of everything I’ve learned in my short 10 months of being a mom these few pieces of advice have stuck with me. Not so much because I listened to them beforehand, but because I wish I had listened when other mamas told me.

Sleep when the baby sleeps

This advice was frustratingly simple to say and so hard to follow. My life as I knew it was shattered and here was this adorable creature dependent on me to survive. I could not sleep while she was sleeping. I had to watch her sleep, eat something, talk to another adult human, and do something that made me feel like me again. I loathed these words whenever someone spoke them, attempting to offer wisdom. I would not sleep, I could not sleep. I needed to regain some control over my own life, and the only time to do that was when the baby was sleeping.

After a while, I adjusted to the lack of sleep. Then, my daughter started sleeping “through the night.” I was only getting up once a night and all was dandy. Then the 8–10month sleep regression hit and I immediately understood why everyone kept relaying this advice. It’s not because of the exhaustion I felt after delivery, or in those first few months. It’s the exhaustion felt now. Still waking every 2 hours to “sh sh sh” the baby until I pass out from the energy it takes to produce that sound. I should have slept when the baby slept to build up my reserve of sleep for this moment.

You’ll do things you said you never would

“I won’t use a pacifier. Baby will never sleep in the bed with me. I will not be a hovering, overprotective parent.” Talking with other mamas, I would secretly roll my eyes at the lengths parents went to, to make sure everything was well with their child. I couldn’t understand what this piece of advice even meant until, of course, I became a parent myself. I learned quickly they weren’t kidding.

There are things I have done, I said I would never do. For one, my daughter is addicted to her pacifier. Instead of utilizing her blanket as a comfort object, she uses her second pacifier as she drifts to sleep. She has spent countless nights nestled between my husband and me after nights of endless crying. There are worries I hadn’t even thought about before that play in a constant loop in my mind. There are nights when I stare at my daughter because I swear the freckle on her foot was not there earlier. It could morph into something dangerous overnight. Motherhood throws you for a whirlwind. I do things I never thought I would because I’m a new person with new responsibilities tending to a small, dependent creature.

There will be that one thing that stresses you out

Throughout my pregnancy, I kept cool, calm, and collected. My colleagues often commented on my ability to remain so balanced in a stressful environment. People asked me questions about my future parenting styles and I never had a definite answer. “We’ll figure it out. It’ll be ok,” was always my go-to phrase for the anxiety that struck the parents I worked with daily. I’d spent my life around children, caring for them, loving them, how much different could having my own be?

In the first month of my daughter’s life, I contacted my already mom friends with an onslaught of questions. With each week, I was obsessing about some new issue. Week 1 and every week after until the present, it is her breathing. I know I am not the only mother to undergo this DSM-V diagnosable like paranoia about this issue. The need to check every 3 minutes if she was breathing overtook me. One week, and two after that, it was her head size. Then, it was the rashes, and on and on and on. There were too many “one thing” that stressed me out to count. I didn’t think I could hyper-focus on such matters. I’ve since taken my “one” thing and own it. I attempt to seek the positive of all the stress and make humor of my constant anxiety. I know my worries are real but often exaggerated and it’s okay to fear the unknown every once in a while.

You’ll never leave that baby’s side

“Okay. But I am my own person and I assure you, I will,” was my response to an already mom friend who told me not to worry about the nursery, crib, and pack n play. For the first few months, she said, you won’t put that baby down. It was my same response to others who said I wouldn’t return to work after her birth, they knew it. “I am not a stay at home mom, it’s not me.”

I had every intention of sending my baby off to daycare after 3 months and heading back to work. After my daughter’s birth, it physically hurt when separated from my daughter. If someone wanted to hold her, I had to do deep breathing exercises to keep myself snatching her back. Put her down for naps? Ha! Leave her somewhere I cannot see her? No. The very real need to be near my baby at all times was overwhelming and all-consuming. The advice I laughed at did not prepare me for the severe separation anxiety I felt when that little nugget left my body and entered the world. Here I am still, rushing through the grocery store to get back to my baby’s side after 10 months. Leaving her side is tough, but necessary. I’ve reconciled that it’s ok to feel pain when we’re apart.

Enjoy every moment

This advice, however well-intentioned, was (and is) infuriating. It made me feel guilty while I was pregnant and into the first months of motherhood. With severe pelvic pain, gestational diabetes, and being pregnant in the heat of a North Carolina summer, I did not, could not, enjoy every moment. I understood the sentiment, but amidst all that comes with pregnancy and a newborn, I did not and could not enjoy every moment.

On the flip side, I caught myself staring longingly at my soon to be 10-month old the other day wondering where time had gone. How fast time moves when you are so enthralled in another human being. With this realization, I’ve learned to enjoy every moment as best I can. The pace at which life happens after your baby thing comes into the world is unlike any other. While I seek to find endless joy in even the most mundane of moments, I have to remind myself to not share this advice with others. I will not enjoy every moment, and that’s okay. But, there’s nothing like watching my child grow, so I strive to not take it for granted.

Let people help you

Whenever I heard this piece of advice I politely nodded my head and smiled. Never would I ever. Asking for help is such a vulnerable no-go place for me. I don’t want people to help me. In fact, when they do, and they do something different than I would do it, it stresses me out more.

But, when the time came to ask and allow help, I wished I would have. I was tired, sore, and didn’t want to put my baby down. Juggling all my new, raw emotions and the chaos that comes with family in and out of my house, took effort. I was so resistant to help, I ended up doing twice the amount I needed to. This was to prove to myself I still could while trying to become this new person and maintain order in my own life. I wish I had allowed myself to ask for and accept the help I needed. Not only with everyday chores, but the emotional check-ins, honesty with other moms, and taking nights off when my husband offered. Now, anytime anyone asks me if I need help, yes is my answer. Can you watch the baby while I eat this cookie? Yes. Do I need to shower? Yes. Do I need a nap? Absolutely.