A List Of Things More Likely to Happen Than The Texans Beating the Patriots
This weekend’s Divisional Playoffs has 3 games that will feature close match ups. The other game features the Patriots.
Now for the sake of full disclosure, I will tell you I do not root for the Patriots of Foxboro. In fact, if the Texans were to beat the Pats, I would laugh so heartily by the time I was done the sheer force of the laughter would have given me six pack abs. But here’s the thing: I still recognize the Texans have no chance.
So while it is funny to watch announcers and football writers squirm to find a way to make this game seem interesting and competitive, let’s look at things in the real world. And by the real world I mean the fakest world that exists: Vegas. Oooh boy. Those money lines are something out of week 1 of college football.
So with those astronomical odds in mind, here are a few things I think are more likely to happen than the Texans beating the Pats:
- A safety
- A safety scored BY a safety
- A dropkick field goal
- An impassioned kiss between Nate Solder and Jadeveon Clowney
- The return of Jonas Gray
- Entire game is postponed as it is replaced with a memorial tribute to Pete Carroll, who was assassinated in the middle of the early game for getting too close to the truth
- Tom Brady receiving touchdown
- A streaker on the field
- A streaker who upon entering the field declares himself an eligible receiver
- Papa John attends the game and opts to sit on JJ Watt’s shoulders the whole time.
- Bill O’Brien has a stigmata in his chin dimple.
- League instates of a “Loser Moves To LA” stipulation.
- Brock Osweiler grows an inch taller mid-game.
- One of those extra points blocked and returned for 2 points. I like those.
- Cyborg Gronk
- The Tuck Rule comes back.
- Belichick circumvents the wording of the “12 men on the field” penalty by filling his backfield with excess women.
- Vince Wilfork sits on the ball and pops it.
There you have it. All of these things are more likely to occur than a Texans win. See you all Monday Morning!
