Beacon Hill Legislature: “We’re A Bunch Of Big Fuckin’ Nerds”

Let’s talk about those ladies and fellas at the State House.

There’s not a lot of talk about Beacon Hill because 1. if we really cared about it we would call it the Commonwealthhouse and 2. currently our national legislature is such a disaster that most of us can’t bare to pay attention to a second level of this nonsense. Besides, this is Massachusetts right? My representative probably has my back. This is the state that is represented by Liz Warren. We have cool politicians, not nerds. Right? Right?

Sadly this is not always the case. Question 4, you may remember was a ballot initiative passed in Massachusetts by over 2 million votes and took the majority in every Boston ward. Good job everybody right? If we have to have a terrible federal government for a little while, at least we can relax a little bit at home in the Bay State, right? No because a bunch of fucking nerds are trying to ruin the party.

One example is Senator Hariette Chandler, Democrat of the First Worcester District. She has introduced a bill to change the legal age of purchasing marijuana to 25. You know the exact thing that nobody wanted. Like the dork who asks the teacher why she forgot to give homework, Senator Chandler is pushing her glasses up her nose and declaring to us all “Um…. are you sure you didn’t mean to say 25?” No we didn’t, nerd.

Or Patrick O’Connor, Republican Dweebmonster from Plymouth and Norfolk. He’s submitted legislation to cut some of the language out of Question 4. Let’s look at where he thinks the problem is (I’ve bolded the the part he’s cutting):

a) A city or town may adopt ordinances and by-laws that impose reasonable safeguards on the operation of marijuana establishments, provided they are not unreasonably impracticable and are not in conflict with this chapter or with regulations made pursuant to this chapter and that….

In the actual question that was voted on, it goes on to name all of the ways that towns ARE allowed to regulate, but Senator O’Connor isn’t going to let the cool kids do their thing. He wants to strike all of that. Let your dumbass town do whatever it wants. So, even though the voters went to the booths and agreed to shove his terrible agenda in a locker, he’s not giving up, he’s going to tattle on us to whatever Draconian ignoramus runs his town and then we’ll all get in REAL trouble.

Oh and not to dwell one particular loser, but his corny-ass bill also wants to cut all of this language:

(3) limit the total amount of marijuana cultivated within the commonwealth…If the commission limits the total amount of marijuana that may be cultivated within the commonwealth, the commission shall reconsider that determination biannually and shall not set the limit at a level below that which is necessary to provide an adequate supply of marijuana and marijuana products in the commonwealth…

That’s right! This probable virgin thinks he can simply stop the party if he makes you run out of weed! You big dumb potheads will probably smoke it all away and forget to grow more! This guy who has definitely never bought drugs in his life knows how to keep you from getting more! Look at this chess game he’s playing with us!

But it’s easy to say that it’s just the No On 4 losers who are having this fit of nerdy rage that is only matched when a minority plays a Marvel character. Like a cool drummer who turns out to just be a marching band drummer, former Question 4 supporter and representative for parts of Allston Will Brownsberger has caught a lot of flack for how he’s let these nerds run the show. Now we can’t even be sure he’s not a nerd as well. For one, he didn’t stop the delaying of the opening of shops even though he knew it was going to happen. He claims that he is still committed to the details of Question 4, which brings up another question: The fuck is this nerd shit?

BE IT ENACTED by the Senate and House of Representatives in General Court assembled, that a rebuttal presumption of culpability and liability exists in all civil matters being determined by any adjudicative process governed by law or statute in the Commonwealth devolving to those persons found to have traces of marijuana in their bodily systems…. IT IS FURTHER ENACTED, that a rebuttal presumption of criminal intent exists in all criminal matters being determined by any law or statute in the Commonwealth where evidence of marijuana use by any criminal defendant is determined by an adjudicative process. Such rebuttal presumption may be overcome by oath or affirmation of clear and convincing evidence that no such use of marijuana occurred or that such bodily traces of marijuana had no material effect of the conduct being adjudicated…FINALLY, evidence of prior use or possession of marijuana by any person, defendant or witness within the past 365 days of the incident or conduct being adjudicated is admissible in all civil and criminal proceedings by the same aforementioned process. A refusal to submit to a duly authorized or court-ordered drug test is automatically held as prima-fascia proof of marijuana use.

What does this even MEAN? I guess I’ll just have to ask nicely that nobody murders me because living in Allston, there’s about 90% chance of any witnesses being high at the time, and therefore dismissed. What the hell is the point of marijuana being legal if you’re going then allow any goofy dweeb to hold that perfectly legal activity against you when determining if you’re a criminal? Oh and it gets better: Brownsberger also submitted this bill which fully repeals the effects of the November vote in their entirety! What the hell man I thought you were cool!

Some will point out that on the first page of the document, it shows that Brownsberger presented it on behalf of some citizen nerd living in Back Bay (such high rents to be a basement dwelling loser!) Okay? That leaves me with more questions. Why did he have to do that? Did he have to do that? If this was optional for him, why would humor something so opposed to the views of himself and the voters? [EDIT: We found out that this was the case, citizen petitions in Mass can force the representative to present bills by request even if they don’t agree with them, as is the case for Brownsberger.] If he was required to present that bill, I’m asking for this bill to be put up on Beacon Hill:

AN ACT TO DISCOURAGE MASSACHUSETTS ELECTED OFFICIALS FROM BEING NERDY ASS DINGUSES

1. WHEREAS, by public referendum on November 8, 2016 in accord with the Massachusetts Constitution, citizen in the Commonwealth voted in the affirmative to approve the legal use, consumption and ingestion of certain amounts of the drug marijuana;

2. WHEREAS, despite a clear public opinion favoring implementation of legal marijuana some loser nerds in the State House want to keep the public from getting what they want

3. WHEREAS, this is pretty fucking open and shut about whether you should do what the people asked you to do

4. WHEREAS, being a nerd is not something to be proud of and it was a mistake to let their toxicity go mainstream

5. WHEREAS, you are clearly just bitter than nobody likes and nobody is inviting you to the fun parties

6. WHEREAS, CLEARLY if you’re still fighting against this thing that we’ve resolved you are a nerd and the worst kind of nerd and nobody will let you kiss them

7. WHEREAS, Sure there’s some things about the bill that can be improved but don’t take that as a chance to give us something other than what we voted for. We know what we want.

8. WHEREAS, some people are just trying to toke, stop harshing the vibe

HEREBY, it is declared that all members of the legislature of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts stop being total nerds about this effective IMMEDIATELY.

Failure on the account of any senators or representatives to adhere to this will result in punishments including but not limited to: broken glasses, atomic wedgies, swirlies and spoiling whatever stupid TV show you nerds love these days.

Democracy in action.