Personally, I Don’t Think The GE Logo On The Celtics Uniform Goes Far Enough
This week the Celtics announced that multi-billion dollar conglomerate and future Boston overlords General Electric will advertise with a patch on the top right of their uniforms starting next season. You may think being internationally known and working in the recession-proof industry of government contracts would mean not needing to advertise, but what do you know idiot!
This is a great moment for sports. If there’s one thing that I can’t stand about my sports viewing experience, it’s the fact that I’m not advertised to NEARLY enough. I tune in mostly to actualize my feelings about brands and if I get to see some amazing displays of athleticism, that’s pretty good too.
But as great as this announcement was, I think we can do even better. If you look around TD Garden there are dozens of spaces where there is not a corporate sponsorship. For instance, the 3 point line. It’s just a line. That’s boring. I’m bored. Put a GE logo on it. Oh we can call it the “GE Point Line!” Fantastic. Let’s make a promotion out of it. “Celtics Fans, Make Some Noise and Get Excited! If Isiah Thomas hits at least 5 from behind the GE Point Line, General Electric will pay their taxes for this fiscal year!”
And why have backboards when you can have BILLboards? Oh you want to aim for a little square? Pathetic. That’s not a brand. Throw a recognizable logo on the middle of that backboard for real team success! You should always be aiming for brands. Shoot for the brands! It’s real business! I accidentally took bath salts before a sales seminar once and this what I took away from it.
We have so many beloved Boston teams left for GE to co-opt! Don’t leave out the Sox. I want a GE logo shaved into Dustin Pedroia’s beard. Maybe we can get a sign put next to the Citgo sign that says “And Also GE.” And why do we sing “Take Me Out To the Ballgame” in the 7th inning? We’re already at the ballgame! Maybe we should sing “Take Me Out To The Headquarters Of A Multi-National Industrial Conglomerate” instead.
Also I’m pretty sure the Red Sox still have to pay Pablo Sandoval, so let’s dress him up as a big mascot costume shaped like a Lightbulb. The kids love Bulby! Buy them a Bulby Bobblehead and they’ll shut up for a while!
Everywhere I look, Boston has an exciting new opportunity that can be tied to the name of a war profiteer. Why don’t we give them more than sports recognition? Why don’t we rename the Seaport the GEport? Why is the hospital called Mass General and not Mass General Electric (MGEH for short.)
There’s a lot to look forward to. I know I’m definitely going to buy a jersey to support my love of large companies. I just don’t know what player I’m going to get. It’s hard to say because I like them all but I also like GE the most. Maybe they can make a special one for me that replaces the names and numbers with more GE logos.
I can’t wait to find out next year! Luckily, I have next weeks lineup of Super Bowl commercials to tide me over. Being told what to buy is the best!
