The Family Tree

Every family has at least one — a family member who is, let's say, different. The uncle whose jokes were old when Attila the Hun was a baby or the aunt who never having had any kids of her own tells everyone else how to raise theirs.

In our case it's a cousin who has "quirks." For instance, he always watches sports on television with the sound turned off. Announcers get in the way, he says. I sort of get that because sometimes the announcers can be terribly banal and on the day a team decides to promote its charitable activities, they are too supercilious for words.

But other things, like the time he tried to link two adult tricycles to make a "tricycle built for two," are downright ridiculous.

This past Christmas, however, he reached new heights (or depths) of ridiculousness. It has only come to light now because the Christmas package he and his partner sent us arrived just a few days ago. Merry Christmas from the US Postal Service. In it was wild rice (which we were thrilled to get, living as we do in France and far from the bogs of wild rice), and two baseball books. Yea!

Well, make that two half-books. Yes, half of two books. The first half. Both were used paperbacks that had been ripped in two. One was Shoeless Joe Jackson Comes to Iowa by W. P. Kinsella, and the other was Strike Two by Ron Luciano and David Fisher.

What?!!!! Why?!!!!!

Where was that intriguing chapter from Luciano's book entitled “There’s No Plate Like Home”? And what about the “16 pages of exciting photos” emblazoned on the cover. Did our cousin think we couldn’t stand that much excitement?

Nah, it would have cost more to send the whole books, he said.

C'mon. They were used paperback books. How much did they cost anyway? A dollar, maybe two.

And why rip up both? Just send one complete one for the same postal fee and keep the other one.

Well, he said, only the first part of the books was really interesting anyway.

So, not only were they used books, they were used books he bought for himself, read them (which is how he was able to play critic) and thought, "Don likes baseball, so here's a nice cheap Christmas present — as long as the postage doesn't cost too much."

Ah well. He makes great gin-and-tonics and they say it's the thought that counts, right?

Okay, but why do we feel as though we've only got half a hot dog and seen only half an inning of a big game? Let's all raise a toast to Cousin X with a bottle of AnMiser-Busch's beer.

Oh wait. Maybe we’ll get the other half of the books for Christmas this year!