How One Sentence Gave Me The Courage To Fly
“I can’t pursue my dreams of being an artist because the people in my life don’t support me.”
How many times have you heard someone say this, or stated it yourself, ladies? A lot, I bet! But, what we really want to hear is, “I love you and I support you in anything you do because I believe in you.” Well, yeah… that’s ideal, but so many do not live in that sphere.
Instead, how about we say this to ourselves: “The opinions of others do not affect me on my journey to pursue my dreams?” That’s much better, right? Since we cannot control others and how they behave toward us, how about we control the way we let them affect us? Let me share with you a creative method that’s helped me manage the effects “blockers” have in my life.
Let me start by saying that some people are incredibly lucky and have wonderfully supportive parents. However, in the film As Good As It Gets, Melvin Udall lays out the reality of it by saying, “Some of us have great pretty stories that take place at the lake, with boats, and friends, and noodle salad… just no one in this car.” All joking aside, our support system starts with those two single most important figures, our parents. They can either recognize our gifts and nurture them (super important for healthy growth), or literally kill all our dreams before they even have a chance to manifest.
If your dreams get squashed before you even have a chance to let them start blooming, the road to happiness will most definitely be a long and hard journey. Without guidance and nurturing of a child’s spirit, most people end up wandering aimlessly for years; wondering why they have this feeling of wanting to do something else, something better — stuck in some job they hate, always feel like they’re wasting time, talent and ultimately… their life.
When I was growing up, I wasn’t fortunate enough to have a family that supported my desire to be a performer. They were loving and nurturing in other ways, but their ability to support a child striving to become an artist was, well… non-existent. I started off wanting to sing and boy did I love it! Unfortunately, I heard these words… “I wouldn’t get up there and sing. Why risk embarrassing yourself!”
Here’s how that affected my life…
Did I ever sing again? Hell, no! I was only in 8th grade when that was said to me. It was paralyzing! Those words felt like someone pressed a heavy hand on my chest, and I could no longer get a single note out. The sucky part about it is, that decades later, that feeling still lingers, and the even suckier part is, I can actually sing.
I was in high school when I was repeatedly told, and still am now on occasion, things like… “A woman’s only true accomplishments are measured by her ability to raise great kids and make sure the family is fed well!” or “You’ll destroy your family with your fixed ideas. Time to wise up.” or “You haven’t made it so far, when are you gonna realize that it’s too late?” I can go on, but I think you get the idea.
Well, it just so happens that I do love spending time in my kitchen and I do love cooking, and my family is the most important thing in my life but… there’s still more to me than that. It took some serious self-reflecting to understand that I could still be good at all of those things, yet still be creative. Yes, that’s right!
Also, another thing I had to realize was that I did not have to do a perfect job as a parent, or be a perfect wife or have a perfect meal on the table every single day to earn the right to be creative. I seriously used to clean my house, cook three meals a day, and make sure the kids were impeccably maintained in order to earn my time to pursue my dreams. Let me be clear, my husband nor my kids ever put that pressure on me, I did that to myself. It took a hot second to understand that being creative was my God-given right and not something I had to earn or get permission to do.
So, here is an example of how I used one of these suckers to my advantage. A through-line in one of my screenplays is, You’ll destroy your family with your fixed ideas, so it’s time to wise up. I poured a version of myself in this story but created a whole new person with a whole new life, gave similar obstacles, and sent her on her journey to seek out her dreams. It was so incredibly liberating to give this problem a definition, and then solve it. In fact, I’ve created characters in my other screenplays, gave them voices, solved their problems, and in the process, solved some of mine.
Creativity has saved my ass, no lie!
Before I leave you, I wanna share a statement that came from an unusual source, and one that gave my 18-year-old self a permission to trudge forward, giving me that extra push to cross an ocean and go after my dreams…
I was washing dishes in my mom’s kitchen in Bosnia (shocker), while bantering with my mother about my move to the States. My Great Aunt, whom I called Baba Jele (‘baba’ means ‘grandma’ in Bosnian, by the way, but everyone just called her baba because she was old), used to come to our house on a regular basis. For a woman who practically never left our small town, she had so many ‘golden nuggets’ of wisdom… her life in itself can be a bestselling novel! She loved her drink, never was without a cigarette tucked behind her ear, and was always in a rotten mood. My mom was giving me her motherly advice, “The States are too far from Bosnia, you shouldn’t go.” I don’t blame her, the States are far from Bosnia and if one of my girls told me she was moving to Bosnia, I’d pass out. Well, Baba Jele was listening patiently, sipping on her shot of Sljivovica (homemade Bosnian brandy), not saying a thing through my mom’s whole rant. Finally, she looks up at the window that was behind me and says, “There is way more out there then what you’re able to see through that small window.”
I didn’t pay much attention to the statement at that time, in fact, I had to ask my mom later what it meant… but it never left me. It’s popped into my head from time to time (it’s even made it into one of my scripts) and the older I get the more it has surfaced. The words of wisdom from one old woman to one young woman, with such a huge age and generation gap between them, made me realize (although much later) that I did have that support. She wanted me to dream big and fly far away to follow my dreams. She recognized and respected my potential and desire! Maybe she too had similar desires of her own but never the opportunity, who knows.
For us women, the choices are never easy. They are not easy when we are young, midway, or in the winter of our lives. But, I have found allies in the most unusual people in my life. I wasn’t particularly close to Baba Jele, but her encouragement, especially the older I got, made me wish that I could go back and have just one more good conversation with her. A woman who, at her age (70's at the time), went out of her way to set a member of the family free, will always be one of my heroes and ultimately, saviors. Her statement gave me courage through the years and continues to serve as inspiration after all this time.
~Beta
Elizabeta Vidovic | Filmmaker
Almost Normal Productions
