I watched a woman abuse her son and nobody stopped her including me
Turns out, it’s hard to stop a bully
Andrea Coleman would like us to talk about female bullies. I agree we should make this a safe topic to broach. So here’s my story.
The Situation
I recently witnessed a woman smack the living daylights out of her son and I stood by and did nothing. Well, not exactly nothing — we’ll get to that in a minute — but I did not actively intervene to stop her. Nor did anyone else.
It was the birthday party for his younger brother. There was a disagreement about when he was supposed to have arrived. Her expectation was that he was going to arrive early (I assume to help her) and his expectation was that he would arrive with the other guests: his sister and her husband, and his other brother and his girlfriend. The birthday boy is the only child still at home and is 2 years old.
The Details
During some verbal back and forth, her voice kept getting louder and louder and her body language more aggressive. Like a circling wrestler, she leaned into the conversation with her arms held wide and shoulders hoisted. When he pulled up the text record of when he agreed to arrive, she rushed him and slapped him all over the upper body. She swung her arms at the shoulder, allowing maximum force.
He squinched up his shoulders and raised his arms to defend against the blows. Then she stopped, turned, huffed and stomped three steps away. I relaxed, relieved it was over. But she wasn’t done. She turned on her heel, rushed him again and served up Round 2. He reacted the same as before, but added laughter this time. The siblings remained bored, scrolling through their phones. The stepdad was playing with his son and one of his new toys. He didn’t raise an eye let alone an eyebrow.
The Excuses
Laughter. He laughed. My heart was an anvil and getting heavier by the minute.
I’m embarrassed to say that I was busy mentally minimizing the situation so that I didn’t have to make tough choices on the spot. Well, he was laughing. So maybe this is normal? Maybe this is how they horse around in this family.
The Action
But then i caught myself.
It is not OK. Full stop. If it’s called “horsing around” that’s gaslighting. Gaslighting is not OK. Assault and battery are not OK no matter what euphemisms are used.
*deep breath*
“I’ve never understood why it’s considered OK for women to hit men,” I said aloud.
“I don’t approve of it,” said the brother’s girlfriend. Silence from everyone else. Mom, while getting her plate of food, waved her hand and said, “They know I can take what I dish out.”
“Really.” I said flatly. “Who on God’s green earth is going to hit their mother? Nobody hits their mother.” Again, nobody said anything. I felt I did not have the support I needed from the group to continue the conversation, so I let it drop.
The Options
With the luxury of calmness and hindsight, let’s explore my options.
1. Call 911. Even here and now, this feels extreme. But why? If it were a dad whaling on his daughter, 7 phones would have lit up instantly, mine included. But we’re told over and over that violence is mostly a male thing and when females do it, it’s kinda alright because of the strength differential. Apparently, I fall for that sort of gaslighting, though it pains me to admit it.
2. Physically intervene. This is a complete nonstarter. The risk of escalation is too high, and how would an authority figure out who’s who afterward?
3. Call it out. This is what I did. And what did it get us? Do you think she is deterred?
4. Leave instantly. In this way the bully can see the cause-effect clearly. If I could have a do-over, this is what I would have done. And I wouldn’t have felt like an enabler afterward. Just get up and leave immediately with him in tow (I was his ride).
The Result
On the way home I asked him why he laughed.
“I just wanted it to stop.”
I nodded. I know the feeling well.
