Neurodivergent
This article explains autism in my career and life, how it's affected me, and how accepting and growing with my condition has been key to success.
Academic me
Realizing my mind was different came early.
For example, I've always enjoyed the satisfaction of being the first to complete an exam in school and turn it in, usually for a close-to-perfect score.
Yeah, sure, I could have waited a bit longer to review each exam again for perfection, but then the faces of my peers wouldn't appear so shocked when I completed the exam in half the time while then smugly spending the remaining time reading my books.
It never got old, even through high school.
I was different. And I knew it. My mind was powerful.
At one point in school, I got to leave normal classes to spend time with the other gifted kids. And then, one day, I didn't. I'd spend the rest of my education as the biggest fish in a small academic pool. I never asked my parents why. Maybe I should. I haven't.
I went on to underachieve my way into the top 10% of my class, which should have been embarrassing to my competition (despite being the youngest in my class).
From there, college, doing 156 credits in 4 years, and then all my other education over the years wasn't so tough.
So, the news that there is a name for my ability wasn't a surprise. But it's something I've mostly tried to hide.
And yet, I've had other people catch a glimpse of who I really am and how I work regardless.
Once, when getting a consultation on my website before, I was caught off-guard by a comment, "You seem autistic but in a good way. It's your energy." He saw me behind my layers. Others have seen the animated way I speak; "it's your eyes," they say.
And twice, during various couple's counseling sessions, I have had trained therapists admit I have all the symptoms of a highly functioning autistic person. Asbergers, it's called.
My current relationship therapist helps translate me to my wife - "he can't understand emotion, only logic." They see me.
Stemming from these sessions is a reminder for me to ask my wife how her emotions are and how she is each day because this isn't something I think about. It's a reminder I have set on my phone because I know it's important. (Why can't everyone self-soothe and solve their own problems without thinking about them?)
I assume she is okay and handles and deals with all her problems internally like I do until they're resolved. But often, that's not the case. Apparently, people need to talk through things to resolve them.
If I'm honest with myself, I'm autistic.
I'm off the charts in my ability to learn, memorize, and ability to synthesize information and write. I've always had near-perfect spelling.
Ask me about the US Civil War- hey, fun fact, did you know George McClellan, Union General at Gettysburg who botched a complete victory, also killed his wife's lover and was the first to successfully claim temporary insanity in court to win his freedom? I do! I can also give you the play-by-play of that battle and many others. That lives in my head rent-free, among many other facts and information.
On job applications, I've hovered over the "disabled" section for a few seconds too long. Is this really a disability? Am I disabled?
Should I get tested and pay the fee to know what I already know so I can check disability boxes on forms? I've researched the symptoms and know how to accentuate or hide them. Can't understand empathy? Well, I wrote a book on empathy- that should take care of that!
I have 1 brother and 4 cousins with autism, too. But, the type that limits their lives and potential severely; nearly or currently institutionalized. How should I feel about my condition? I live in this balance where I'm smart, have escaped a bad roll of the dice, and don't have to live in their world of emotion.
Is that a bad thing? Is my honesty off-putting? Should I continue to hide and play the "aw shucks, guess I'm lucky" image? I'm not lucky; I can think faster, remember more, process more and keep my cool doing so. (I'm in the 1% of professional educational attainment in my field and feel I'm just getting started.)
If I'm also being honest, it could be a disability. Once, I took acting classes in high school to learn more about girls than anything.
Somehow, I got roped into a small part in a play, and when the time came, I couldn't say my lines. You could hear a pin drop as the silence lingered until someone saved me. Fuck me.
Early in my career, I struggled to adapt. I was incredibly anxious, a terrible speaker, and couldn't understand the corporate culture world. I was so anxious that I'd sweat through the seat of my pants (I still do sometimes).
Getting where I am today took serious work, effort, and investment. 10 years later, I'm an entirely different person due to focused growth and self-discipline.
If I look back at my career, I'm an outlier. I see and do things differently; as if they are second nature, only to see and watch my peers dumbfounded by my path, direction, and velocity.
Every now and then, I can spot another neurodivergent like me in the workplace. One guy was much less aware and displayed more characteristic autistic signs; he couldn't spot himself and save himself from countless embarrassments- Almost like a court jester. Others are like me, super driven and better at blending in, only appearing in glances.
What's it like being me? Well, for one, I'm always on, mentally. I can't nap unless I'm super sick. I'm always on, thinking, grinding, and living out scenarios in my mind.
Sleep is tough; I take enough pain and PM pills to drug an elephant. And still, I wake up at 3 am, mind racing, thinking, processing.
It doesn't stop with me, either. I look at my daughter and can see some of the same signs in her- every nap is a fight and only for fits and starts at a time. Her eyes give her intelligence away, too. She's going to be smart. But in which way?
When I look at my grandfather, who never attended his kids' events in lieu of his hobbies, with impeccable skills and memory like mine, I see me.
He has been building a very specific year of a model of toy train in his attic by hand that no one will ever see. His sketches and intent focus on this project's minutiae would floor you.
And then there is me. Trying to figure out what this all means.
This is a bit of a puzzle, honestly. Being neurodivergent doesn't provide a set of instructions or a step-by-step guide. I have to feel out each piece as if blind sometimes. And it's lonely.
Through my creative work, for example, I've written hundreds of articles and 19 books and have 10 websites. Who do I talk to about that? There is no benchmark or even a similar person in my field to relate with.
What drives me is an internal force I can't quite explain. Pulling, guiding, driving me onward. We're in uncharted territory, headed toward deeper waters as my expertise and ambition expand. I see, do, and experience things so differently that I have no peers left.
Social me
As far as I can remember, my peers' social skills, habits, and preferences have been a mystery. And also in a league of their own.
If you told me they were from a different planet, it would make more sense sometimes.
I see people whose lives revolve around religion or sports, and I can't even begin to understand their perspective (logically, it makes no sense).
Growing up, music and dancing have beyond my understanding.
To move your body in a way that wasn't based on logic seemed odd. I would study the movements and couldn't make sense of them. Still can't. I can't keep rhythm or a beat when I try.
Worse, seeing how people could just go up to each other and talk and socialize was/is terrifying. (Are you people mad just going up to each other? Talking about the weather?)
Further, knowing that I'm autistic became more obvious as I watched my younger brother, who is and was and magician at socializing.
He (gags-likes people) and works a room like an artist whose secrets are unspoken. The guy had a gravitational pull of charisma that's second nature. Despite trying to analyze him, I've given up. Somehow it works.
While I've ways preferred introspection and solitude and would fill my backpack to the legal limit of library books each day as a kid, he'd be off grab-assing with friends in a field somewhere.
I never understood the why or how, but it's gotten easier into adulthood with practice.
Going back to how my mind works, I can’t but help see and understand things differently. I frequently take contrarian opinions on what I believe and question/challenge what others say. As far as a social lubricant, this isn’t the slickest approach to have as your default.
Every now and then, I wonder what it’s like to be someone who believes and accepts what they are told, living in blissful ignorance, joining the herd.
So, as you can see, no one has it all, a hand full of aces.
In fact, part of this condition is accepting my mental strengths and working on my social weaknesses.
Only as I've progressed in my adult years have I understood this aspect better and identified my inherent blindspots. I'll never woo and capture people in my palm, and that's ok.
Socializing for me is less natural go-at-it-ness and more reading and studying psychological frameworks and learning how to use and apply them.
It's being fortunate with what I have, not what I lack and making the most of it.
What's next
For many people, acceptance is the first step in anything. For each person, we all have some limit to the number of pluses next to our minuses. No one person has it all.
The key is to accept who we are, to come to terms with it, and put in the effort to bridge gaps between the realities of who we are vs. who we want to be.
If you read the news today, autism is a terrible disability. But for me, it's a superpower. But we're all different and unique.
Whatever condition you face and whatever roll of the dice you are playing with, shape it to be the best one possible.
It's all anyone can do.
